Missing in Action

Its been a long time since I've written on my blog. I've been dating myself and learning a great deal about myself in the process. For one I continue to pick men that are just like my father, a habit that I definitely intend to work on breaking. I also learned that when I get in relationships that I succumb to silence, I become a Stepford Wife to an extent, I am so focused on becoming the woman that they want me to be, that I lose myself in the process. Well no more of that. My birthday passed a couple weeks ago and for my new year I have vowed to find my voice and to use it. No more being put down, no more negative self talk, no more. New year, new beginnings. I hope my journey proves to be productive

Day One Hundred and Eight Seven: Rehearsal

I return to acting class tomorrow night and I had my first rehearsal with my scene partner, which I think went pretty well. I didn't feel to out of it and I also was able to listen and answer and really be in the scene. I don't feel like I've lost any of my skills, but this will be a lot of work to add to my schedule, but I guess I'm ready for the challenge, only time can tell on that. I'm working with a young boy, surprise surprise, but I have a feeling that we will progress in our scene that usually is the way things work out when I'm working with boys. I tend to notice that boys have great progression when they are working with me, but I'm not trying to big up myself or anything its just something that I tend to notice. I am learning that I am ready to have fun in class, but definitely not interested in auditioning at this time. If I can just have a little fun I think class will be a good addition to my busy schedule.

Day One Hundred and Eighty Six: Brunch with the Crew

This has definitely been a going out weekend for me. After having a lovely evening with Kisha I got to meet up with my old crew from acting class for brunch, which was really nice. I had french toast which I've been dreaming of for about 3 weeks now. French toast and a mimosa would have been ideal, but I stuck to orange juice, boo on that, but it was so great to see everybody and let them know what has been going on in my life and catch up with them. I let them know that I am returning to class just for fun,and I have gone back to my old life of living one day at a time. One day at a time is so hard sometimes. It was good to talk and see everybody, I hope we can do it again real soon. I learned that I need to have more fun and I definitely have more fun when I'm seeing the people that I really enjoy being around.

Day One Hundred and Eighty Five; Girl Date

I've been dying to go on a Kisha date for about a month, but we were finally able to hook up this weekend and go to dinner at black swan, where my mac and cheese was tasty but kind of salty. I went to a friends one year celebration at AA beforehand so I was definitely ready to have some fun with my friend. We had a chance to catch up and vent about issues in our lives. I always need a good girl date every now and again otherwise I get myself into a tizzy about the stupid situations that tend to surround my life from time to time. I learned that I need to spend more time with my girlfriends. I also learned that I am making more friends in my life and I am happy about that as well.

Day One Hundred and Eighty Four: Return to Yoga

I've been missing a lot of yoga this week and I finally went to class tonight after a really long week at work. It was a really simple class which was probably what I needed. We even did ball work which I love to do because it works out the kinks in my hips and upper thighs. The class was a level 1/2 so we were moving a little slower but I still got good stretching in and I could definitely keep up without feeling overworked, which was nice. I learned that my body gets out of whack really quickly when I don't attend yoga consistently. I also learned that sometimes I need a relaxing class in my day as well.

Day One Hundred and Eighty Three: I did it

I did it, I got up at three this morning and ran on the elliptical machine. I did my morning meditation and ran and got ready for work and caught some extra z's in between but I did it. I finally did it, I can't believe I made it happen for myself since I've been so tired lately.  I just don't want to deviate too far from my running plan since this is the recommendation from the nutritionist. I will run again this weekend for sure but I have to get 2-3 weekdays in there as well. Its becoming really packed for me as of late. I learned that I need to map out my week now, versus just mapping out my day so that I can really plan out this workout schedule without having to wake up at the crack of down everyday and make that decision. I also learned that I need more sleep.

Day One Hundred and Eighty Two: Lazy Again

I have been so tired lately and I've just been wanting to kick back and relax a lot. I don't know if its the change of the seasons or what but I have not been as motivated as a I usually am. Maybe its time for me to evaluate my life and do better planning since I have such a busy schedule. I came home and laid on the couch while I pigged out on snacks. I didn't even have a proper dinner. Sometimes I just want to pig out and lay around. So I did that, but I will be sure to work it off tomorrow. I can't just eat what I want anymore, which makes me so sad. I can't wait until I can fit back into my old wardrobe. I learned that its okay to take some time to myself in the lazy department. Even though this is day two of laziness for me I won't let it become a trend.

Day One Hundred and Eighty One: Super Tired

I was worn out from these weeks of working, cleaning, and exercising. I still am waking up at 4:30 am trying to exercise before work, but that just doesn't seem to be working out for me. I find myself tired in the morning and today I was tired when I got home. So I took me some Benadryl for my bug bites and laid out in my bed and fell out, which was nice. I woke up at 9 and got some food and then I woke back up at 10, but I did feel rested when I got up at 4:30 this morning. I learned that I need to listen to my body when it is telling me that it is tired. I also need to give up some of my activities because I think I am over extending myself.

Day One Hundred and Eighty: Sister Chat

I talked to my sister today and it was really nice to have a long conversation with her. We have both been so busy that we haven't had time to chat in a while. We caught up on each other's lives and I told her about my boyfriend and she helped me make some decisions in addressing some issues. Of course we talked about TV shows and movies. I really enjoy having this time and I didn't realize how little we have been talking lately. I've learned that even though we haven't been talking as often it is great when we do get a chance to catch up. I also learned that we are still the same people we have always been.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Nine; Finding my Voice

Today I got my hair braided and it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to. I wanted my braids to be thicker and I kept telling her but at the end it wasn't what I wanted. Once again I didn't speak up and just left with the finished product because it had already been a long day and I just wanted to go home at that point. I also have been seeing this guy and I feel like we haven't been spending quality time together. I did speak my mind about this because I was ready to break up and was getting extremely angry about the situation. I told him that I wanted to spend more quality time together vs. just seeing each other. I was very proud of myself. I learned that I am beginning to stand up for myself and use my voice even if it's a little at a time. It does feel nice to let my feelings known to others.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Eight: AA meeting

I spoke at my first AA meeting tonight. I was really nervous because I still don't believe I'm an alcoholic at times, until I start daydreaming about early morning tequila, than I know other people don't drink that in the morning to get their day to a good start. I was able to focus and deliver a clear message so I felt pretty good about my share. I find that I have more and more in common with my outpatient group and I like that. I just wish that I wanted to stay clean. I'm still in that zone of wanting to use. I learned that I can focus and help people with my qualification. I also learned that life continues to be challenging in terms of not using.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Seven: Chill Out

Today I had a chill out day, I went to work and to my outpatient group, but after that I didn't feel like working out so I ditched out on doing yoga and running on the elliptical. My body really needed a break. I watched the 2 hour premiere of Grey's Anatomy instead. I ate some pasta and fish and passed out in my comfy bed. I am learning that its okay to take a day off from working out every once in a while and that the world isn't going to end just because I don't work out. I also am continuously learning that I am extremely hard on myself and that I need to give myself a break. At least I am recognizing these patterns so that suggests progress to me.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Six: Determined

I am seriously determined to lose this weight, but I am always craving sugar. I have began to manage my pita chip addiction so I'm not eating a whole bag a night, just 7-10 chips which is about one serving. I am following the diet that my nutritionist set up and following the exercise plan, but I'm am pissed because I forgot to wear my activity monitor which measures my movement when I was doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes. I am tired of being in the recovery program and I am trying to just get through it, practicing one day at a time. I am tired. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to even if it is not enjoyable for me. I've also been learning that I wish life were different.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Five: 6 months

Today I reached my 6 month of being clean. I thought I would feel differently, more excited. In the beginning I was really motivated to get me key tags but everything around me thus far has felt like blah. I'm in a totally depressive state of mind. Lately I haven't been craving drugs and alcohol, but I know that there is a piece of me that still wants to drink. I went to a new meeting last night  with a lot of newcomers, but that still didn't deter my thoughts of being over the program. I think I am just drained from all the changes I am making in my life. I will just continue to operate on the one day at a time plan. I also think I am still grieving my divorce. September is a really hard month for me since that was when everything went down between me and my ex. I learned that I am getting more annoyed by the program on a daily basis and I've lost my will to want to keep doing this. I also learned that even though I don't completely recognize how hard I'm working I am still reaching milestones. I am going to try to practice positive thinking today.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Four: Elliptical Hell

So I've started this new diet, as suggested by my nutritionist, I hope that it works. I have to make major changes like no salt, no shellfish, no coconut products. She also advised me to run on the elliptical machine 45 minutes a day 4-5 times a week, which is fine, but I ran today and it felt like forever. I just want to see some changes, even if they are a pound or two here and there. I will fit back into my clothes by the end of next year. Of course I wish that it was sooner but I have to realize that its going to take some time. That elliptical machine was kicking my ass. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to, but that 45 minutes was long. I also learned that I can follow this plan for a while and see how it works and not make it a lifetime commitment like I tend to do in my head.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Three: Productive

I was extremely productive this weekend. I cleaned my entire apartment, I even washed the dishes which I can't stand doing. I did my laundry, paid my bills, went to the grocery store, and cooked up a bunch of food for the week. But alas I still didn't have any fun. Life has become totally monotonous for me. I wish I had some money so that I could run away and live abroad for awhile. I need to figure out what is fun for me, since my old fun activities don't feel fun for me anymore. I learned that I need to definitely have more fun in my life, even though it is good to come home to a clean house it's not the only thing that's going to drive me in life.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Two; Overwhelmed

I went to see a nutritionist today and basically she told me I was going to have to change my entire diet, which is just another stressor for me since I'm going through so many life changes right now. I'm in a recovery program, I just started a new job in a new industry, and now I can't enjoy food the way that I would like to. I really used to love eating and now it just feels like something that I just do, because I have to do it. I'm not having any fun in my life right now. I had a massive crying attack after I left the appointment. I am just a little depressed now, but at least now I can recognize that feeling. I learned that all these changes are making me hate my life right now, but that its okay to feel that way because hopefully the feelings will pass.

Day One Hundred and Seventy One: Identifying

Today I went to support one of my people from my outpatient group by hearing her qualify. It was so interesting because I didn't know that we had so much in common. I even fellowshiped after the meeting, which I never do. I really felt at home with the people. I'm supposed to speak on Friday and of course I'm super nervous. I learned that looks can be deceiving and that many people go through similar situations as you and you can never tell by looking at the outside. I also learned that sharing our experiences brings people closer together.

Day One Hundred and Seventy: Finally Some Work

My first week at work is almost over and I finally got some busy work, through typing up documents for some of the lawyers, man it's hard to read their handwriting sometimes, but I was so happy to be given something to do because siting around all day makes the time go really slowly. I need more projects and the more they get comfortable with me the more stuff they will give me to do I hope. I just don't know how to deal with down time. On a brighter note my brother called me on his own accord just to check up and see how I was doing. Its so weird to think about him being my little brother when he's now 28 years old. It feels weird to be struggling in my life as his big sister I don't know if I set a good example of what to strive to. Overall it was nice to talk to him. I learned that I don't feel good about myself in terms of how others see me, but I know its all in my head. I also learned that I want more work to do, that I have to consistently stay busy, because boredom makes me want to drift off into la-la-land. If I'm not busy I want to take advantage of the lull time by making it more interesting usually through the use of illegal materials.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Nine: Scam

So I told my parents about the personal assistant job and my mom was convinced it was a scam and she didn't want me to act on it. She called me at 7 in the morning to tell me not to go through with the job and she had a bad feeling in her gut. I had no feeling, which continues to inform me on how I never see red flags. I think I wanted it to be a real offer because I'm struggling to save right now. I believed her after she sent me some information about internet scams and I told the guy I couldn't work for him. I felt really sad and bad, because I hate not being able to follow through with my word, which is something I'm consistently working on, is letting go of the guilt when I am making positive decisions for myself. I was really down the rest of the day since I felt like I was so naive and don't make good decisions. I learned that most of the time that I am still to hard on myself and I need to give myself a break from time to time. I also learned that its okay to believe my mother even though I think she gets nervous about everything, she usually does know what she's talking about

Day One Hundred and Sixty Eight: Another Job

So today I got an email from an individual that I had applied for a personal assistant position with. I am very excited to do this job since it will provide me with extra money that I can put directly into my savings. I really want to bring my credit card balances down, pay off my medical bills, and lawyer fees, and take the cats to the doctor which is long overdo. I need to focus on balancing my budget and planning for the next year. I'm trying to practice this concept of having faith that my Higher Power will provided for me and that if I continue to be productive good things will come my way, but I still struggle with that every now and again. Believing in something invisible is not a tangible idea for me for some reason. I learned that I am definitely more responsible these days, but I still have a little trouble with balancing my budget. I am learning how important it is for me to plan my weeks out, but hopefully everything will work itself out.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Seven; First Day

Today was my first day working at the law firm. Everyone is really nice and I think I can handle the job. Its so weird to be in a new environment and this is my first job in New York City where I've been clean. I did want to drink though after the first couple of hours. Time moves really slowly when you're not busy and I'm so used to being in jobs where I was constantly moving so this is really different for me. I am trying to stay open minded but that feeling of needing more money is starting to creep up on me. I know I should be taking things slowly, but I'm always thinking about the future. I learned that I need to take one day at a time and not be in any rush to get a second job already. I also learned that admin work is pretty boring unless you have a project that you are working on.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Six: Romeo and Juliet

Kisha received some tickets to see Romeo and Juliet and I got to tag along. I'm not really a big Shakespeare fan, but I know that show pretty well so it wasn't too hard to keep up. It was okay for me, but I don't believe in these over dramatic love stories. I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't get the feeling that you could meet someone and instantly fall head over heels in love with them to the point that you are willing to die for them. It's just too much. Kisha enjoyed the show she said it was one of the best adaptations that she has seen. I just hated the premise as per usual. I learned that I really hate love stories, which is probably why I hate romantic comedies. I also learned that I am really cynical when it comes to relationships and dealing with love, and that I've felt this way for a really long time, but my divorce clearly pushed me that way even more so.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Five: Kisha's Birthday

Today was Kisha's birthday party and she had a wine and chocolate tasting where she did all this research about which wines would bring out the essence of the chocolate. Of course I couldn't participate so I had sparkling water instead of wine, which didn't suck too bad. However they did have a Moscato there and I ended up smelling the bottle. Kisha only chose red wines, since she knew I was not a red wine drinker. There are times that I still think I can drink, but then I wonder if it will lead to other things. My counselors are convinced that it will and that I have no control. I just want to feel normal sometimes. We later went to a bar where they were playing Haitian music for the majority of the time. I couldn't take it anymore so I cut out early but Kisha was having a good time so that was the only thing that mattered. I learned that I am getting more comfortable in just drinking water, but I still feel like I'm missing out on all the fun. I also learned that I have deep seated issues with not feeling a part of the crowd.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Four: Friday the Thirteenth

I love Friday the Thirteenth. Every time  it rolls around people act like its such a bad luck kind of mood, but I totally embrace it. I found out that I got a personal assistant job on the side that I think I can balance with my 9-5.  I broke my plan to not attend any meetings this week, by going to my Friday morning home group, because I didn't want them to think that I was on the run. It was good to see people. but I'm still as confused as ever about my status. I just can't seem to except the fact that I have to surrender to the program. I learned that I hate rules and the same lesson that I've been learning through this process is that I am just rebellious. I really have a problem with authority and I've been that way for a very long time and I kind of don't want to change it.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Three: Clothes Shoping

Since I recently obtained a professional job I realize that I have no clothes in my closet, at least none that fit me. I hate clothes shopping now that I am at this larger size. I still have not gotten completely used to it yet, but regardless I'm coping the best way that I know how to. I lucked out because I have no extra money to spend but I have tons of Target gift cards and I found some great looking work clothes there. Who knew? But also another reason to watch myself because Target is the devil for me. I can't go in there without buying something. I learned that once again Target has come to my rescue. I also learned that I really have to watch my spending more since I need new clothes for the winter if I don't drop some of this weight.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Two: I Got the Job

I found out today that I got the job at the law firm and I didn't know how to feel about that. I really like the place and I will start on Monday. I can't believe that I'm going to be working so soon, but that's what I wanted. I'm a little nervous but I know I can do this job. It's a start and it will definitely give me a some experience in the administrative assistant world. I am happy that I found a job so now I can really start saving some money. I got another job offer and I am hoping that I can do both of them. That would really help with my saving. I learned that some of my wishes are coming true and I am learning that I can save some money and have a little cushion so that I feel that I can live the lifestyle that I want. Hopefully everything will work itself out in time.

Day One Hundred and Sixty One: Queens

I continued on my job interview process today. I had an interview all the way out in Queens and that commute was horrendous. There were a lot of people there and I felt like it was a waste of time. The work was for an insurance company and even though the pay was good it still didn't fit my style. I've decided that I want to work somewhere where I don't regret going to work everyday and corporate may not be the place for me. That commute was just another reason for me to hate Queens. After living there I never wanted to return to Queens again. I learned that it's okay for me to not want to work in a particular area and that it's okay for me to say no.

Day One Hundred and Sixty: Job Interview

I just started applying for jobs last week and I had my first interview at a law office. I really liked the people who worked there and this would be a great opportunity to get my feet wet in a new industry. I was really anxious about going, because I hadn't been on an interview in this industry before and I really am pulling away from acting so that I can survive in NYC.  I was so anxious to the point that I was crying before my interview. My mother helped me breathe before I had to go in and I got some confidence in selling myself. It wasn't as bad as I pictured it to be and I really got through it. I learned that my anxiety really has me over the edge and I don't know how to control it. I'm so used to getting away from my feelings that dealing with them is really scary. I learned that I can survive and push through and things will be not as bad as I think they are in my head.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Nine:Over Extended

Today I really pushed myself today. I went to the morning meeting and biked to the meeting, to my dance class, and to yoga. I really want to lose this weight so I'm trying my hardest to make sure that I exercise. I also want to ride my bike before winter comes, since I won't be able to bike anymore because I hate the cold. I know I am over extending my body, but I am really trying to push myself. I learned that I could do all these exercises and still cross that bridge. I also learned that I am sick of going to meetings and I've decided to take the next week off from them. I want to make sure that I'm really missing them and that I need them in my life. I'm still quite unsure of how I'm living my life at times

Day One Hundred and Fifty Eight: Pregnant Women Everywhere

I went to yoga today and another one of my yoga teachers is pregnant. That is the third teacher this year and it's really got me thinking about how I would have hoped to have been pregnant at this time in my life. It makes me feel sad because I never pictured having a baby with anyone but my ex husband and now that we are no longer together I have a hard time envisioning myself in another relationship. I know that everything happens for whatever reason its supposed to but I am still in fear that my opportunity to have a family is gone. I am still not done mourning the loss of my previous life, the support, security, and the faith that someone would love me until the day I died. Hopefully I will find that again. I learned that I miss my old life and the dreams that will no longer happen with him haunt me. I also learned that I am jealous when I see pregnant women with wedding rings because I am reminded that I don't have that anymore. However I'm still trying to have some faith that it will happen for me at some point, but that shit is really hard.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Seven: Me Time

Today I had no restraints so I got up early and biked into the city, had a great tasty waffle, got my nails done, went to yoga and pilates, and saw the movie Blue Jasmine which was really good. I am so happy that I do have this time off to discover myself and treat myself to things. I stay so busy even though I'm not working a steady job as of yet. I wish that I could get more voice over gigs. since that is what I really want to do with my life. If I could have my dreams come true I would be doing cartoon voice overs and writing. I hope that I can get to that place in my career and I think that I would truly be happy to get up and go to work, instead of going to work just to survive. I learned that my ideas about what I really want are starting to compose themselves in my thoughts. I also learned that I know what I want.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Six:Duped

Today I thought I would be interviewing for a job at a law office and it turned out to be a temp agency. I felt duped by the job posting. The people at the agency were telling me jobs were paying like $10 an hour and of course I really got upset. It made me feel like I should just go back to waiting tables since I knew I could make more money that way, even though its a dangerous environment for me to be in. I just want to have one job, not have to get two to support myself. I remember working 3 jobs at a time and how exhausted I was with life, because I had no time to enjoy it. I know the right job will come for me, so I just have to stay focused on what I want and not just saying yes to everything because it's an opportunity. I learned that the pay rate for office jobs may not be the best, but that I can say no to positions that don't satisfy me. I also learned to write out what I want and don't want in a position and that just like employers are interviewing me, I am interviewing them as well.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Five: My Ideal

I applied for my ideal job today and I am praying that I get an interview, followed by getting the job. Its a personal assistant job for an elderly gentlemen that includes normal house duties along with taking him on walks, helping him with exercise, and managing business affairs. I really want this job. I think I would be perfect at it. My counselor reminded me today that I am interviewing the people just like they are interviewing me. I still have issues with saying no to job situations. Once I say I'm going to do something I try to stick to it, even when I'm miserable in the situation. I learned that I don't have to stay in miserable situations and that I have choices. I just hope I find a job soon because I really could stand the extra money. I also learned what I want to do and what I don't want to do job wise.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Four: Early Riser

I got up at 5am and went to a 7:30 yoga class. It feels good to start my day off so early since I have more time free by the afternoon, to do whatever I want. I am starting the process of looking for a job, so I worked on my resume and applied for a bunch of executive assistant positions. I am nervous about finding a job, because one I want immediate gratification and two I'm entering a totally new industry that I know I am capable of , but at the same time I haven't worked in before. I just can't return to working in bars and restaurants because that is a dangerous environment for me. I was stressing about applying but once I got past the first job applying became easier. I learned that I can write bomb ass cover letters. I also learned that if I just do the legwork without getting stressed about it I can get my tasks accomplished.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Three: Exercise Overload

Today was a holiday and The West Indian Parade was down the block. I hate that parade since it blocks off all the streets that I need to take home. I decided to ride my bike to the city and do yoga and pilates on the Upper West Side. I made it even though it was raining pretty much the entire ride home, which was scary since my hands kept slipping on the handle bars. I'm getting really good with biking the city and know how to be more aggressive riding with the cars, especially the taxi cabs. I came home and took the rest of the day off and watched some movies. I didn't go to a meeting and I was so happy, sometimes I need a day off from the meetings. I learned that I could bike in the rain. I also learned that I am becoming an avid biker of New York City.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Two:Bad Ass in Boots

Today I went to my dance class and our assignment was Bad Ass in Boots and I wore my motorcycle boots and had an exceptional time. My erotic creature felt grounded and naughty. I have such a good time in my dance class, even though I still need to hit the gym. I was really antsy and the dance class wore me out. I still can't do the same amount of tricks that I used to be able to do, but I was able to finally do this move where you're upside down and pushing away from the pole using all your upper arm and core strength. I can't wait until I lose some weight so I can get bolder with my tricks. I learned that I can cure my antsyness with slowing down in dance class. I also learned that I could hold my weight up on the pole. Overall I'm still working hard to enjoy this part of my exercise routine.

Day One Hundred and Fifty One:Electric Zoo

Oh my God, electric zoo was amazing. I've wanted to go to this concert for 3 years and I finally made it thanks to a deal off of living social, because I could never afford the tickets before. I had such a good time and I was able to stay clean. I was a little wary about going to the concert because of the massive drug use, but I was able to stay and hear 3 dj's that I wanted to see specifically. I danced my ass off and sweated like a fat man on a 100 degree summer's day. Of course it was filled with half naked people and crazy costumes. I couldn't believe that I had such a great time even though I went by myself. I definitely want to go next year. I learned that I could stay clean and have a good time. I also learned than I'm stronger than I think that I am.

Day One Hundred and Fifty: Prospect Park Zoo

Today I got to spend some time with my boyfriend Isa, my little nephew. I haven't seen him in three weeks and it was like he didn't know who I was anymore. He's getting really big and I'm starting to notice how much I like babies versus kids. He is still a cutie pie though. We went to the prospect park zoo since he loves animals  It was really cute to watch him feed the goats and the sheep. The only thing I hated was that they had snakes there. We were looking at this lizard and all of a sudden this big ass boa constrictor just slithers in out of nowhere. Uggh I still hate snakes, I had to move because I couldn't handle it anymore. Those fuckers still make me tremble. Overall it was good to spend time with him. I learned that I love babies more, because I can't always deal with children. I also learned that kids grow up so fast, it's like one moment away and they come back so big. I also learned that I'm not ready to have kids yet.

Day One Hundred and Forty Nine: Weight Watchers

As I've written many times before this weight gain is killing me, especially my self esteem. I never thought I would ever be this heavy and it's driving me insane, since I work out so much and eat right and still am not seeing any results. I somehow keep gaining weight. I'm tired of buying new clothes. this weight gain has made me hate shopping. Through the suggestion of a couple of people around me I decided to try weight watchers and I really hope that it helps. I've already been keeping a food diary so this isn't much different. Its making me realize that I am not eating enough in the day. I learned that this program could possibly be helpful and I'm learning to be open minded to the idea of trying something different. Hopefully this will help.

Day One Hundred and Forty Eight: Spa Castle

I've been really down the last couple of days and spent all morning crying for some reason unknown to me, so I decided to take myself to the Spa Castle in Queens to get some relaxation time. I sat in the saunas and went into the pool with the massaging jets. It was nice and somewhat relaxing except for the kids who kept splashing in the pool. I want a kid free experience sometimes, more like most of the time. I learned that I need to treat myself a little better and start caring for myself the way that I care about other people. I also learned that just a piece of relaxation time a week is totally worth it.

Day One Hundred and Forty Seven:Clean House

Ughhh my house was so dirty I couldn't stand it anymore. I devoted 3 hours to deep cleaning the house.  I was down on my knees scrubbing the bathroom floor. The only room left to do is the kitchen, but I will tackle that tomorrow since I have all this cooking to do. I love when my house is clean, but it only takes a day or two before it starts getting cluttered again, usually because I am always on the go. I find serenity in having a clean space. I learned that I am a clutter bug, but I love a clean space. I also learned that I have so much shit in my space that I need to get rid of.

Day One Hundred and Forty Six: Afro Punk Festival

This weekend was the Afro-Punk festival and I decided to check it out today. It was okay, there were so many people there and at first it felt weird to be coming there alone, but I saw this good band and I lost myself for a minute and wasn't self conscious. Score!!!! They had two stages with a multiple number of groups. I wanted to see ?uestlove but I started getting tired and couldn't wait any longer so I bailed out. I ate some tasty food off some of the food trucks and walked around. New York is so funny because it is made up of so many different characters. I saw people with all kinds of hair colors, men in skirts, mid-drifts everywhere, it was a lot of hot messes. There was also the permanent smell of weed which had me jonesing as usual, but I took care of myself by leaving once it got to be too much. I learned that I am really starting to learn how to take care of myself in tempting situations. I also learned that I can really go to a big activity alone and get over my self conscious feelings.

Day One Hundred and Forty Five: Speaker Jam

Today I have 5 months clean in recovery. I still can't wait till I get 6 months so that I can get my key tag. Those key tags motivate me for some reason, but they say whatever keeps you coming. I went to my first speaker jam and it was okay. It was extremely crowded and one of the speakers I heard was crazy. I felt like all she was doing was talking about sex, but I totally get that, but it was a little too much for me. It gave me an idea of what the world convention would look like. I've learned that I'm finally getting accustomed to listening to speakers and that I'm starting to get more accustomed to being in the program. I learned that I'm definitely an addict and that I'm exactly where I need to be.

Day One Hundred and Forty Four: Manhattan Bridge

I finally conquered the Manhattan Bridge. I was able to bike the entire bridge without stopping. I think my stamina is finally starting to build up. That bridge is so long and its on a constant incline. I just have to mentally tell myself that I can do it while I'm biking. I really love love love biking, it has become my new form of meditation and I'm definitely getting more aggressive with my riding. I still hate the Brooklyn Bridge, even though it's the shortest, it's always super crowded. I learned that I can actually bike the bridge without stopping and I also learned that if I set my mind to it I can do anything.

Day One Hundred and Forty Three: Collage

I've been really miserable the past couple of weeks, even though I've been trying to do things for myself on a consistent basis. I really am missing my old life, it seemed like I was having more fun. Today I picked up Real Simple Magazine so I can make myself a motivation collage. I remember having a really good time doing art projects as a kid and hopefully this project will continue to keep me inspired. I 'm learning that I'm starting to get really depressed again. I also learned that hopefully having more fun in my life will help me find that upswing again.

Day One Hundred and Forty Two: Pimped Out

Today I pimped out my bike with Hello Kitty stickers. I'm so happy with the results. Anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I am when it comes to Hello Kitty. It's like if I see hello kitty stuff I can't help but buy it. It's hard for me to turn Hello Kitty items down, even if they are useless items. I bought some stickers at Target and glued them onto my bike today. I biked to the city today and did yoga and Pilate's, which made me realize that I am burning off all the food I've eaten since I've been doing this food and exercise calculator to help me lose this weight. I count this as my artist date since it involved my creativity with deciding how I wanted my bike to look. I learned that I really love biking now, even though I hate bridges. Today I took the Williamsburg bridge and I will probably never do that again, since it has 2 massive hills. Oh hell no! I also learned that I can accomplish my bike riding and exercise goals in the same day. I really learned that I have to eat more, so my body isn't holding on to my fat and therefore not allowing me to lose any weight.

Day One Hundred and Forty One:Resume

I'm getting myself together to start looking for a job. I worked on recreating my resume and it was all because of my therapist who helped me get it started. I hope that I will find a job that will support my needs and that I actually enjoy. I'm getting kind of anxious about entering a new field, its the fear of the unknown. I also took a big step in my dieting, by joining web md calorie tracker. I really hope that I can start to lose at least a pound, it would really help boost my self esteem. I'm learning all these new programs to help prepare me for a new job and I know that I'm a quick learner, but I still have some doubts about my abilities from time to time. I've learned that I really am afraid of change. I also learned that I can accomplish goals when I set my mind to it.

Day One Hundred and Forty: Gladys Knight Concert

I wanted to do something fun for myself, so when Kisha told me about the free concert at Wingate Field in Brooklyn I was so there. The concert was okay, but I was in a kind of distracted mood. I've been trying to get out and do some fun things, but I realize a lot of stuff isn't fun to me anymore. I went with a friend and it was okay, but sometimes I just like doing things by myself. I am trying to be more comfortable with just doing things by myself and I 've learned that I usually have a better time when I'm by myself, but I totally have to work on not isolating. I miss my old days with my best friends and all the fun we would have together. I learned that finding out what I like to do has become a disappointing process at times, but I'm going to keep on giving myself a chance. I learned that I also am a major isolator, but I'm still working on it.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Nine:Road Trip

I took a road trip to Jersey, so that I could hit up BJ's and Target. Even though we have Target in Brooklyn they never have anything on the shelves and I love Jersey Target since its so big. Target is my number one addiction though, I can't seem to control myself in that store. I'll walk in planning to get one item and then I'll wander around the store for hours and end up with a $200 bill. Its so crazy. I shouldn't be left there alone. I also had a glutinous trip food wise. I dined at Joe's Crab Shack, it is so good, and spun off to Sonic afterwards to get a cherry vanilla slush. Jersey always triggers old memories for me of married life. I still haven't completely gone through all the stages of grief that I associate with that relationship. I learned that Target is not a healthy place for me to go to alone. I also learned that I miss my old life. I'm trying very hard to move on and live in today and not the past. So far I'm doing a good job, but damn it is hard work.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Eight: Pamper Me

I had a pamper me day today. I rode my bike into the city. I am doing this very frequently now and some of the hills are starting to become a little easier to get up. I went to get a mani/pedi and a 90 minute massage. I need a massage like every week because of the tension in my shoulder. Even after a layer has been massaged out the amount of tightness in my neck and shoulders is still unbearable. I still am having problems with my right shoulder. I have really needed a day like this since I was feeling pretty down the last couple of days. I learned that my body is mad at me and I need to treat it a little better. I also learned that I need massage a least once a week. I also got a chance to talk with my sponsor and we had a good conversation. I'm getting better at reaching out, but I still like to keep to myself the majority of the time.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Seven: Movie Night

I went to see the movie The Butler, and boy was it long. I went by myself to a 7:15 showing where the audience was filled with couples. This was my first time feeling weird going to the movies by myself. I go to the movies by myself all the time, but there was something about going on a Friday night that made it different. The movie theater was packed and I was happy to see a black movie getting so much support from different races. I learned that I feel alone sometimes and that is a uncomfortable feeling for me to sit in. I also learned that I don't like crowded movies. I do enjoy going by myself because I can really enjoy the movie without talking with another person about what's going on.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Six: Power Point

I've been learning Microsoft office programs through Lynda.com so that I can be prepared when I start searching for a job next month. I finally finished learning Excel, the most boring program ever, I'm pretty sure I won't need to know half that information, but at least I learned it. Now I've moved on to Power Point. I feel like I'm being very proactive right now when it comes to my preparation for getting a job. Today I was a little down, I guess the after effects of it being my anniversary started to sink in today. I just feel like I never got any real closure on the situation, since the person that I considered my best friend no longer has any contact with me. I still wonder if he ever thinks of me. I sometimes still feel discarded like a piece of trash. I learned that being proactive is helping build up my self esteem. I also learned that I feel uncomfortable about the fact that I don't have any real closure and that I am fearful for the day that I run into my ex, specifically because of the fact that I haven't reached a point where I feel like all my questions can be answered.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Five: Getting Past the Pain

Today was my wedding anniversary, and it was my first one since becoming divorced. I didn't really have too many feelings about it, which surprised me. Last week I was in mourning over the end of the relationship but on the actual day I didn't feel too much. I made sure that I stayed super busy so that I didn't have much time to reminisce. I biked into the city, went to physical therapy, yoga, and counseling. I was beat by the time I got home. I did a good job of taking care of myself. I learned that I am starting to move on and that its getting a little easier day by day. I still go through stages of grief, but I'm definitely in a much healthier place.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Four: Migina and Christina time

I went with Migina and Christina to look at wedding dresses for Migina. I can't believe she's getting married so soon, I'm so happy for her. It was so great to see them and catch up, I totally need to hang out with them more. They are both still in class and it sounds like everything has been going well. We went to Westville for lunch, oh god I love that place, and had some good chat time. I am feeling in a much better place with my life and I think that they can tell. I learned that even though I don't miss acting class I really miss my acting friends. I also learned that looking at wedding dresses doesn't make me depressed and that I am really entering the stages of moving forward in my new role as a divorce'.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Three: Biker Chic

I'm still in love with my bike. Today I had quite an adventure. I biked from Brooklyn to Manhattan, went to my therapist appointment, than to the home depot, uptown to yoga, and further uptown to a meeting. I biked all day long. However the greatest part of my trip was biking down the Westside bike path. I had views of NJ, and I didn't even realize there was a park over there. I saw sculptures and basketball and tennis courts. If I didn't have a bike I wouldn't have known that this place existed. I learned that through my bike riding I am experiencing new parts of the city. I also learned that I could bike the city without being scared. Although I do continuously lookout for parked cars, so I don't slam into someone's door. I need to get a new basket for my bike since the current one is falling apart. I also make it up the hill on Washington without having to stop.Overall I enjoyed the day.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Two:Lama Marut

Tonight I went to a spiritual speaking event given by Lama Marut, basically talking about how to live in reality through radical acceptance. It was very similar to what I'm learning in my NA program. He talked about two mantras to live by. Of course I've already forgotten them, but summed up one was talking about it is in this moment. Life is what it is in this moment. What I got from it was living in a state of continued gratitude and accepting that life is what it is. More so about having expectations and wanting what we want now, and not wanting what we have is what causes discontentment in life. It wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but the message made me appreciate my program so much more. It told me that what I'm working on through my spiritual principles are very similar to the principals of eastern religion, however I like my program more. I learned that I am starting to become more connected to the principals that are practiced in NA. I also learned that these are very simple concepts that are hard for complicated people to grasp. Today I learned that I am grateful for NA.

Day One Hundred and Thirty One:Summer Streets New York

I've been trying to take advantage of all the free stuff that the city has to offer lately. So today I hit up some exercise classes that were being given by crunch as part of the summer streets festivals. I biked into the city and took yoga, strength training, and a Caribbean dance class before I was ready to fall out. Then I biked it back to Brooklyn. The festival had all kinds of things like a zipline and spin classes and it was all free. However on the flip side my thighs (Thelma and Louise) are totally out of control. They are now rubbing together to the point where I'm getting rug burn from my thighs and now I have these open sores from chaffing. I'm totally unhappy about this. Hopefully when I see the nutritionist this weight problem can be solved. I learned that I really do love being active even if I have to do it by myself. I learned I still can't take the hills in Brooklyn quite yet without stopping for a water break. I also learned that I'm trying to practice patience to the best of my ability when it comes to my weight.

Day One Hundred and Thirty: Concert in Prospect Park

This week I have been trying to do more things by myself so I can get to know myself better. I went to a concert in prospect park last night and I met some really nice people who were sitting next to me. It was nice to come alone and then feel included. It rained during some of the concert, but I was able to sit there calmly and enjoy the event. The first performer was kind of annoying, but I sat through it while the people around me were also annoyed as well. We shared many laughs. Then Shaggy came out and everyone was happy. However someone was smoking some of the best weed I had smelled in a long time and of course there were plenty of people drinking. After a while I had to cut out, because of the overwhelming smell of the alcohol, and I didn't want to walk through the park by myself too late. I learned that I can remove myself from toxic situations. I also learned that I shouldn't stop doing things that I want to do just because I have to go at it alone. I am learning to become more comfortable with going out alone without knowing someone is waiting for me at home.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Nine:Dancing in the City

Tonight I went out with my friend Mackenzie to a party at Apothece in the city. It was great to get out on the town and go dancing, but I wasn't ready for this place yet. The music was chill and I met a guy who was acting like a stalker on the dance floor, but I still had a good time. However this place specialized in making specialty drinks and that was hard for me to deal with. This was my first time going to a bar without another recovering addict. I learned that I'm not ready to go to bars by myself where everyone is drinking around me. It was also my first time having to tell people that I don't drink and I don't smoke. Smelling all that good kush was a reminder of how much I miss it sometimes. I learned that I jumped into a dangerous zone too early, but I am happy that I did learn that about myself.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Eight: Anger in Check

I have a horrible problem with my anger. It only takes the littlest thing to piss me off. However today there was an incident where I practiced control. I went to yoga class today and was running a little behind. There was another student, a male of course, who was also running behind. When I walked over to the door to open it, he said wait. Immediately I became upset because he was telling me what to do. I wanted to clock him so bad. I began to open the door and he was like just wait. Now I really wanted to clock him, but instead I said please don't tell me what to do it's rude. He shook his head but he shut up. I realized that I really hate when men try to tell me what to do. Especially because he wasn't a teacher just another person practicing yoga. I had to say the serenity prayer like 4 times. It took me about 30 minutes to let it go, which is a success for me since I can hold on to my anger all day. I learned that I can control myself in situations that make me want to get violent. I also learned that I really don't like being told what to do.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Seven:Taking Care of Myself

Since this massive weight gain I've been trying to determine where the problem lies. I think it comes from my night eating and my medication. I finally made a doctor's appointment to get a physical done. I had gained more weight according to the scale and my blood pressure was high, most likely from smoking cigarettes. They ended up giving me an EKG, and doing blood work. Hopefully we can find out what that's all about. I even did my routine STD testing, which makes me happy that I'm taking care of myself by going to see the doctor. I asked about diet pills, but of course I have to talk to my pysch doctor to see how my medications will interact. He was also cautious about giving them to me because they are a stimulant. I learned that I can finally follow through with taking care of myself. I also learned that I need to meet with a nutritionist to help me with my eating.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Six: Biking to the City

I bought my helmet and my bike lock and I biked from Brooklyn to my morning meeting in Manhattan today. It was my first time going across the Brooklyn Bridge without a car. That bridge was no joke but I made it without stopping. I can't believe that I was biking the city with cars. I did feel good about my journey, even though when I parked my bike I was scared someone would try to steal my basket so I took it with me everywhere I went.  I will definitely bike to the city another time this week, it is great exercise and its nice to experience the world through a different perspective. I learned that I can bike with traffic. I also learned that I do have the stamina to keep up with other bikers, even though its harder on the cruiser since there are no gears to help me with the hills. Overall today was a good day even though I was wiped out and crashed on the couch when I got home.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Five: Dancing by Myself

I've been down these past couple of days. I wanted to do something to lift my spirits. I decided to go to Coney Island and dance on the boardwalk. Being alone always tends to kick up feelings dealing with not being comfortable with myself quite yet. But I decided to go despite my reservations. I danced and met some people to dance with and had an alright time, at least it got my mind of things for a couple of hours. I learned that going places by myself doesn't always have to be a sad ordeal. I will do more activities by myself so that I can continue to find comfort in being alone. I learned that I can do some things by myself without them depressing me, I also learned that its okay to be alone and hopefully I won't look at it as being the end of the world.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Four: Night at the Musuem

It was Target 1st Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum. It was my first time going and I had an okay time. I still don't like museums, walking around looking at art work just doesn't do anything for me. I always am confused on what is determined to be art, like this big plastic rat that they had on display. I totally didn't get it. The theme was Afro-Caribbean music, so there were a couple different bands playing and people were dancing. I was happy that I went, but I don't know if its totally my scene, but I did spy a cute boy there. I learned that I still don't like museums and that's probably never going to change. I also learned that I still appear attractive to men despite this massive weight gain.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Three: Push Yourself

I was down today. A lot of feelings have been kicked up for my this week and I am just learning how to identify them. I didn't want to do much of anything but I decided to ride the park again this morning and push myself to go to yoga and Pilate's even though all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I made it to the classes and even though I was falling asleep in yoga I was able to get though it and I felt better physically afterwards. I have noticed that I get down before I have speaking engagements, I'm always hoping that I do a good job and pass on a message of hope. I learned that I get anxious about putting myself out there and I also learned that I can go to my classes if I just make my feet move.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Two: Oh hills

Today I decided to bike Prospect Park, oh man, there is a killer hill and my bike only goes one speed. I was dying trying to push myself up that never ending hill, which I must admit I walked up the last part. I am so happy that I actually got up this morning and started my day the way I had planned. I am so happy to be able to bike that park and get some exercise and some fresh air all at the same time. My thighs are just not quite ready for the hill yet, but I will definitely continue to build up my strength. I learned that the park is no joke and it definitely feels like a hardcore workout. I also learned that I want to work up to biking the park twice in the morning.

Day One Hundred and Twenty One: Aquasize

This was my last day in the Poconos and I took an aqua aerobics class. It was the cutest thing ever, it was me and a bunch of older ladies. The instructor was 82 years old and so funny and cute. I really loved this experience. It reminded me of what it must be like to live in a retirement community in Florida. The workout also surprised me because when I got out of the pool my thighs were burning. I learned that I've found another workout that could work for me. I also learned that I love older women, they bring me joy through watching their conversations and seeing their outlook on life.

Day One Hundred and Twenty: I'm a writer

I finally read the first chapter of The Artists Way. I've had the book for years but never have been able to follow through with doing the assignments. I've been doing my morning pages but that's it. I went on the artist date with myself and played some computer games. I also looked at the part of pretending you are another person and I chose to be a writer for this week. I was able to revise an entire chapter for my memoir and I think it came out good. I learned that I can get a lot of work done with my writing once I set my mind to it. I also learned that revising doesn't have to be as bad as my mind thinks it is.

Day One Hundred and Nineteen: Road Trip

Kisha invited me to a retreat from the city in the Poconos. This was my first time going alone on a trip and it brought up lots of memories for me. Driving through Jersey still makes me sad, because I remember being married and the times we spent together. I realized I've never gone anywhere by myself in terms of driving. I got lost on the way and was getting really anxious. Although I was grateful to have a place to escape to, I realized that I need to be around noise consistently. I learned that its hard for me to function in peace and quiet. I also learned that I still miss being married and having the consistent support of another person by my side. I learned that I can travel by myself, its just something that I still have to get accustomed to.

Day One Hundred and Eighteen: My New Bike

Since I got a chance to reconnect at brunch I learned that my friend was selling her bike. It's a cruiser, just what I've always wanted. I am excited to start biking the park. It is a great way for me to exercise without doing damage to my ankles. I tried to fit the bike in my car today, however it wouldn't fit so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow and bike it home. I am going to have such good times on the bike. I learned that everything happens for a reason (i.e brunch led to my bike). I can't wait to decorate it with Hello Kitty stickers. The bike is so perfect it even has a basket. I learned that good things come to those who wait. I also learned that its the simplest things in life that can brighten your day.

Day One Hundred and Seventeen: Tribeca Renuion

I was so nervous about going to this brunch with my old coworkers, because I felt that I am in such a weird place in my life and I don't feel comfortable in my body still. However when I got there it was so great to see everyone and catch up. I really connected with my friends again and it was nice to just relax and share where I'm at with my life and for my friends to have no judgments against me. I am so happy that we are going to connect more in the future. We are all growing up and growing at the same time. I am so thrilled that everyone is in a happy place in their lives, even if I'm not. I learned that it is good to face your fears, because you never know what the results may be. I also learned that I really need to do a better job with connecting with positive people in my life. I hope that we continue to connect on a more consistent basis.

Day One Hundred and Sixteen: Pole Camp

Holy Shit I had a workout today. I started Pole Camp today, which is kind of like boot camp in terms of pole dancing. We learned all kinds of new combinations and my body is tired. I sometimes forget how much upper body strength is needed for pole dancing. It is much harder now that I am trying to pick up so much weight. My body is definitely heavier. It makes me miss my old body so much and how much freer I felt on the pole before I gained all this weight. Either way I still had a lot of fun. I learned that I have to work harder if I want the pole to come easier to me. I also learned that I am very envious of other women's bodies at this day and time and I am constantly comparing myself to others.

Day One Hundred and Fifteen: Taking Suggestions

I've been having a really rough week and I've really wanted to return to my old way of living. I am missing the fun times that I used to have in the summer time. I talked to others in recovery and they gave me some assignments, which I did even though they were making me even more angry. I always feel bad about being angry, but I am learning that its okay to be angry sometimes, it all depends on how you deal with your anger. I am learning to identify my emotions and accept them for what they are. I also am learning that I don't have to apologize for being angry. I can see some small level of growth in myself and dealing with the reality of living.

Day One Hundred and Fourteen: Frozen Yogurt

I don't know what's going on with me but I've been craving frozen yogurt like crazy. Everyday I've been walking past yogurt places and not being able to say no, especially since they have cookies and cream flavored yogurt. I know this cannot be healthy, but I feel like I deserve a treat every now and again. I just hope it doesn't become a daily ritual. I went to a new meeting today and I really liked it. I've been checking out new meetings to shake it up a bit and so far they have all been good. I learned that I need variety in my life when it comes to going to meetings and I also learned that frozen yogurt is my new nemesis. Oh it tastes so good, but I will pay for it in the morning when I hop on that scale.

Day One Hundred and Thirteen: Catching up

I finally got to spend some time with my friend Keyanna and have a girl chat. I really need girl chat at least once a week. I miss the old days when we used to have a weekly Monday night date to catch up, but life goes on and I'm not trying to live in the past. I am really lucky to have friends in my life even if it's only a few. I'd rather have a few good friends than a bunch of associates. I had a good time with her and I hope that we can do it more often. I learned that I truly value the friendships that I do have and I am really lucky to call my friends my actual friends.

Day One Hundred and Twelve: 3 times hopefully a charm

I did three workouts today, I ran in the morning and went to yoga and pilates this afternoon. I was whipped by the time I made it to pilates, but I'm trying to be on my grind when it comes to losing this weight. I also took care of myself by setting up a doctor's appointment to make sure everything is functioning properly. I know that I've probably done some damage to my body from the use of drugs, but I have been putting off getting checked out for such a long time that I want to start being responsible for myself. I learned that I can do a triple exercise routine and not do further damage to my foot. I also learned that I am becoming more productive in my life.

Day One Hundred and Eleven: Ha Ha Bitch

My erotic creature is on fire. Today our assignment in dance class was Hot Fire in the City and I was burning it up. I realized that my erotic creature is such a tease and she likes to take control on the dance floor. I was able to strip down to a swimsuit even though I can't stand my body right now. I am trying to accept myself for where I'm at but it is a constant battle. I am learning that through dance I can accept myself, even though it hasn't really come through in other areas of my life yet. I am also learning to try to be happy and adopt a more positive attitude.

Day One Hundred and Ten: Alone Time

Sometimes I forget how crucial some alone time can be. I had my niece and nephew this morning, and boy are they balls of energy. We went to the playground, followed by pizza, some games at the house and I dropped them off at her birthday party. I was totally spent afterwards. Sometimes I don't know how Kisha deals with that on a everyday basis, but at the same time I do play hard with them. I came home and took a nap and treated myself to some ice cream. I definitely need the night off. I learned that I can be by myself without isolating and feel good about that choice. I also learned that I have become more responsible when it comes to taking care of myself and giving my body what it needs.

Day One Hundred and Nine: Mani/Pedi with my Neice

Today I took Haven to get her first professional mani/pedi. It was hilarious because she was mesmerized by the entire process. It was our girl's night out, which finished up with pinkberry for desert. We watched this cheesy movie and had a dance party. However she had a hair appointment today and I had to come out her hair, that was a process and it made me grateful that I didn't have children yet. Its hard to deal with a 7 year old whose grown up in the city, she was like I want manicure/pedicure and a massage. Thank God I know how to say No. Massage, where did that come from? I learned that I feel sorry for the man who has to take her out, its going to be murder on his wallet. LOL. Regardless we still had a good time. I also learned once again that I am not ready for children.

Day One Hundred and Eight: Cute Boy

I had an audition today and ran into a good friend that I thought had moved to LA. He always is hitting on me in a nonchalant way that kind of makes me curious, but I took a vow that I would not date any actors, it's just too much emotionally draining sometimes. However I like the his persistence. Who knows, maybe I should give it a shot. I'm going to have to think on this one for awhile. I mean he is cute and its hard for me to resist a cute guy. I learned that maybe I am ready to get back in the dating scene, but I'm not really sure about having a serious relationship. I also learned that you never know why someone continues to appear in your life over and over again. Maybe this is a sign that I need to pay attention to. Only time will tell.

Day One Hundred and Seven: Milkshakes are Bad

I was craving a milkshake like crazy today. I couldn't deny myself even though I know that I'm lactose intolerant. Well that was a mistake I ended up throwing up that milkshake all over New York City. It was like I had morning sickness. I would cough and milkshake would come spewing out. Totally gross. However I learned a valuable lesson, I will not give in to those cravings anymore. I also learned that I need to listen to my body. Even though its summertime it looks like there will be no more milkshakes for me.

Day One Hundred and Six: New Look

I was getting tired of my weave and decided to take it out. I forgot how long of a process that can be sometimes and I feel like I accidently cut some of my hair off, but it's all good since I can't do anything to reverse it. I can't tell if my natural hair grew or not, but its so interesting to see what I look like with a new hair do. I learned that I love to switch up my look every now and again. It makes me feel mysterious that I can't be penned down to one look. It is very freeing to change it up. I learned that I want a new hairstyle so I'll probably be getting that done really soon.

Day One Hundred and Five: Movie Date

I love going to the movies by myself. I can sit back and watch the movie without wondering if the person I'm with is enjoying the show as well. I went to see the buzzed about Fruitvale Station, but I didn't really enjoy it. I found myself checking the time to see when the movie would be over. It was still nice to treat myself to something. I learned that I do like doing things by myself. I also learned its good to go on a movie date with myself at least once a month.

Day One Hundred and Four: Tie Me Up

Today was magical in terms of my dance class. I had my teacher tie me up to the pole today and it was invigorating. I learned so much about my erotic creature. I already knew she was a flirt but being bound showed me how much she loves taunting her playfulness towards the person she dances for. I really enjoy this class it makes me feel joyous and free. It was so nice to be able to move slowly but to not be able to fully escape the binding. At some point I just really let myself go. I learned that its definitely time for me to explore my erotic creature's facets more often. I also learned that I am one sexy little kitten and I like it.

Day One Hundred and Three: TRX workout

I took a TRX class today and it kicked my ass. I work out hard on my own, but when I go to a class I realize how much harder I work with the added pressure of the teacher barking at you. Awww man that class was rough but I made it through it and was able to take a two hour yoga class afterwards. I really like to push myself hoping that this weight will somehow come off. I am definitely going to add this class to my repertoire. I learned that its good to switch it up sometimes and that I can prosper when I put my mind to things. I learned that I need to continue to push myself in new ways on a weekly basis. Whatever it takes.

Day One Hundred and Two: 90 Day Panel

I shared on my first 90 day panel in my recovery program and it felt okay. It was nice to have two other people to share with me so that it took some of the pressure off. It felt a little easier this time around and I am glad I am able to do service. I am now being asked to do other panels and I feel good about that. I am starting to come into my own through this process. I can look at my life experiences and accept them for what they are and learn from them. I learned that I am just another human being whose story others can relate to and those are the ties that bind us. I learned that I am not alone in my experiences and there are others out there who want to help me grow and learn from their experiences as well.

Day: One Hundered and One: Two Auditions

I had my first on camera audition in a long time, and I was extremely intimidated because my body isn't at my best. I was self conscious about my body compared to the other girls whose bodies looked like my old body. I wish that I could see some results for all the work that I 've put in these past couple of months, but it seems like I'm stuck with this body for a little while. I'm trying to practice patience with myself, but that is still an uphill battle. I guess we will see what happens in terms of getting a call back. I learned that I am still not completely there with my self confidence in terms of my new shape. I learned that I have to start accepting this part of myself at some point. I also learned that its just one of those challenges that I'm going to have ups and downs with.

Day One Hundred: Dinner with Kisha

I really needed some girl time today and I got to have dinner with one of my best girlfriends. Its so nice to get out and be able to vent to a friend. She gave me some good advice. I really appreciate having such a good support system in my life. I am truly at a place where I can be present with other people and actually have a conversation without the use of drugs and alcohol to loosen me up. I am learning that I really need my friends more so now than when I was using, because I can't hole up in my bubble anymore. I'm also learning what it means to be a good friend at the same time.

Day Ninety Nine: Boat Cruise

Today I went on a boat cruise and it was very interesting, it was a party on the boat. The worst thing about it was once I was tired of partying I couldn't get off the boat. I did see a lot of interesting characters on the boat and I was able to be around drugs and alcohol and not have any deep cravings to participate. I learned that I can be in a non sober environment and not be tempted. Overall I had some fun when the music I like was being played, but the crowd was still a little bit too old for me. However, I am learning to try new things.

Day Ninety Eight: Creating Recipes

I went to the grocery store today and was annoyed to the fullest with this mother who was letting her children terrorize the store. I wanted to say something, but through this process of changing I've come to say to myself it's none of my business. But I wanted to kick those kids so badly. Regardless I was able to stay on budget with my groceries and was extremely proud of myself. I got home and made this kale, apple. cranberry, and pumpkin seed dish and it was very tasty. I'm trying to do a better job with spending my money and eating healthier. I was happy with my choices and I also made it to yoga today so that was a win win. I learned that one good choice leads to another one. I also learned that I miss being vegan because I felt so clean when I was. I'm still trying to lose this weight and anything I can do that's helpful to that challenge I will try.

Day Ninety Seven: Dancing on the Boardwalk

This week has been all about dancing for me. I am truly happy when I'm on the dance floor getting my groove on. I went to a dance party at Coney Island and it was really cool and fun. There were so many different types of people and everyone was having fun under the sun. The best part is that it was free and it occurs all summer long on the weekends. I will definitely hit that up again. I also hadn't been to Coney Island in many years and it was cool to just do something different with my day. I learned that I won't wear heels next time because my feet were killing me by the end. I also learned that I can feel sexy in my body, since so many guys came up to me and wanted to know who I was with and also told me how sexy I was. Maybe I don't look as bad as I think I do.

Day Ninety Six: Another Party

I went to another party tonight. It was okay. I'm getting sick of these sober dances. I want to go out to a real club. I tried once and I was able to be okay without the lure of alcohol beating down my throat. I danced the night away as usual. There is just something about dancing that can put me in a good mood. I hope that soon I'll be able to party more often with other people my age. I learned that miss going out like normal people. I also learned that I can be strong when it comes to making lemonade out of lemons. I will continue to try to work things out when it comes to my cravings.

Day Ninety Five: Qualification

Today I shared my experience, strength, and hope at a meeting. I was extremely nervous because I wondered what I was going to say. I hoped that I did a good job. I guess other people related to my story, but it was a big crowd and I was feeling insecure while they were listening since it felt like they were just staring at me. I hope I touched someone. I will have to do more of these qualifications in the future. I 'm happy that its over with though. I learned that I do have valuable information to share and that I need to help inspire others, because we can all touch at least one person.

Day Ninety Four: BBQ

Today is the 4th of July and this is my first one clean and sober. The fourth is a big trigger for me because it reminds me of being married and having a BBQ. My life is changing, I stopped by a friend's BBQ for a few and then attended a meeting. I realized I don't really like going to BBQ's that much, but it was great to see my friends and the kids. I really have a great relationship with those kids. No fireworks for me tonight, I'm not really a holiday celebration person. I learned that I can do things differently and I have to start new patterns for myself, because more holidays will be coming. I learned that I am learning self control and that the bitterness that I feel when I see other people enjoying life while drinking has started to lessen.

Day Ninety Three: Dance Party

I love to move my body. There is just something about letting loose on the dance floor that makes me feel happy inside. My friend Mackenzie and I went out to a lounge and danced it up. I was truly in heaven. The music was great and the crowd was cool and above all it was totally free. This was my first time since I've entered the program that I've been to a regular party. I did good. I didn't drink and it was okay. I just hope that I burned off some calories. I learned that I can start edging myself back into regular society when it comes to partying. I also learned that music is such a release for me. I'm just going to keep on rockin'.

Day Ninety Two: Writing TIme

I went to the library today to work on my memoir. I've decided to give myself at least 20 minutes a day to work on my memoir. I want to take the memoir class in the fall and I've got to get at least a couple of chapters under my belt. I was able to make some changes to the chapter and figure out what I want to focus on. I really do love writing and I have to push myself to continue on my own since I no longer have class. I need to get involved with a writers group so that I can continue to have my work looked at, so that I can work on my chapters. I learned that if I just make myself do some writing I can get a lot accomplished. I've also learned how to get past my writer's block by just trying to write on a consistent basis.

Day Ninety One: Nap Time

Today was a rough day for me, I was once again questioning the purpose of my life. I feel so numb sometimes and I don't know what the universe has in store for me. I miss my old life at times and wonder what this new one will bring me. I woke up extremely tired and my whole body was aching and I felt those pings of depression coming back at me. I realized I really needed a nap so I took one. I am remembering what a little bit of sleep can do for me. I still was depressed probably from the uncertainty of life. I really needed some time to myself so I blew off yoga and took a kindergarten nap. I learned that I have to listen to my body and not push myself so hard. I have also learned that there are going to be ups and downs in my mood, but I can survive them. I just need to take more naps since my sleep is inconsistent.

Day Ninety:Blindfold Dance

Today was my favorite time of the week, which is going to my pole dancing class. Its the one thing I do for myself which has nothing to do with recovery. The assignment was to dance blindfolded and it was such a freeing experience. I became totally unselfconscious about my movement and was able to just let go, to the point that it made my teacher emotional. We did the entire class blindfolded and I loved it, I may add that to my repertoire. I just want to dance some more so I've decided to dance for myself at least twice a week so that I can continue to embrace my body. I learned that being in the dark and just letting go can be extremely freeing. I also learned that I can be sexy with this new body that I have. Day by day I am getting more comfortable with myself.

Day Eighty Nine; End of my class

Today was the last day of my writing class and I'm sad that its over, but today she gave me a writing assignment to make an old paragraph more poetic and I was able to do that. I've decided I need to join a writing group so that I can focus on getting more work done. Otherwise I won't do anything. Yesterday I was dropped by my legit agency and I've never felt better. I felt like they didn't really get me and now I feel free, even though my main track is not focused on acting at this moment. I was rejected, but for the first time in life I was grateful for this rejection because for some reason I feel like my life will be better without them. Today feels like the end of an era, and the beginning of some great possibilities. I am happy with where I'm at in terms of what I want to continue to work on artistically. I learned that sometimes breaking up can be the best thing for you. I also learned that its not the end of the world to be dumped, it really can be looked at as a new door opening that might lead you down a path that you never would have seen before.

Day Eighty Eight: Missing my Friends

I've really been missing my friends lately, we haven't all chilled out in a really long time. I had a good cry fest with my mom last night and was telling her that all these changes I'm making and that are going on in my life are scaring me. Its nice to be completely honest about what I'm feeling from time to time. So today I gave myself a little dose of friend medicine and went to visit Kisha and Keyanna at the preschool. They were swamped with work, but it was great to even catch up for 10 minutes. We will definitely have a girls date at some  point this upcoming week. I miss the days of our monthly dates, when life felt so care free and I was still drinking and getting high. I have to stop romancing the good times of getting high if I want to continue to live clean. I've learned that I need some more girl time in my life and that I really have to work to continue these relationships. I am grateful for those I do have in my life.

Day Eighty Seven: Lazy Town

I gave myself permission to sleep in today, oh to wake up at 9 am versus 6 seems so nice. I wanted a lazy day to myself. I went to counseling and did my triple work out and treated myself to a iced green tea. I know its not that cool of a treat but I was definitely happy. After counseling I decided to get back on my meds, since she could see the difference in me as well. I came home and fell out after all that moving and shaking. I learned that I need to give myself more lazy days while I can before I re-enter the workforce. I deserve to have some time to myself. I learned that its okay to catch up on some extra rest and that if I were in Spain I would be having siesta. I learned that I need to continue to work on myself with the help of suggestions from others.

Day Eighty Six: Now I'm a Doctor

My weight gain has been driving me insane and I blame my psych medications. I decided that I was not going to take them anymore for the past three days. I just went cold turkey and out of my mind at the same time. I ended up having a full on meltdown on 23rd street where I was crying uncontrollably. I totally see the difference on and off my meds, but I still don't want to be on them even though with them I am much more balanced. I was so used to self medicating my mental illness that this new process of working with doctor approved meds feels foreign to me. I have declared myself a doctor since I'm fucking with my prescriptions. I have learned how really off my rocker I can get when I'm not on my medication. I learned that I really need to be on them during this time in my life. I hope that maybe someday I can get off them, but today just isn't that day.

Day Eighty Five: And it Begins

Now that my ankles are almost back to their regular usage I am back on my exercise plan. Today I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes, went to Pilate's, and then went to yoga. Three times a day I am back on the exercise since I've been eating like a pig late at night. I really have to push myself to keep exercising but reminding myself to be careful so that I don't re injure my ankles. I learned that I clearly have body dysmorphic disorder and I totally need help with working on that. No matter what I do I feel like I'm just getting fatter and fatter and its kicking up my depression. I hate to be so vain, but I don't feel like I'm living in my body. There are certain days where I'd rather be insane and skinny vs. happy and fat. I learned that I need to continue to push myself but I need help from outside sources and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

Day Eighty Four: Grocery Run

I really love going to the grocery store, probably because that means my refrigerator will be fully stocked after I make that run. Since my counseling appointment was put on hold, I decided to make due with the extra time and get some things accomplished. Walking through the aisles I always have cravings even when I'm not hungry. The grocery store is a trigger for my fatty gene, where I buy massive amounts of pita chips. I don't know how to stop buying those addictive little snack. I've been trying to be good about my eating but it just hasn't been happening since I keep sleep eating. I don't know what that is about. I learned that I'm always going to love food, but I need to really watch my munching.

Day Eighty Three: Sleepover

My beautiful happy birthday boyfriend and I had a sleepover, where all he did was sleep the whole night through, but when he woke up this morning he had a smile on his face. Of course I got a kick from him asking me for pizza for breakfast, he's such a trip, that's why I love him so much. We went to a meeting where he was romancing all the ladies, he is so irresistible. We went to the park and played hide and seek, and he pretended he was a magician taking a bird out of his hat. I could spend my life with this little boy. I get so much joy from the time we can spend together. I am truly grateful to have him and his sisters in my life. I learned that its the small things that really make me day. I don't want kids yet, but its nice to feel like I have them sometimes.

Day Eighty Two: I made it

I am 90 days clean and sober, I never thought I was going to get here. Its definitely been an uphill battle. I woke up and put on a dress and heels so that I could match my outsides with how my insides feel. I just never thought this day would come and now I don't know what to do with myself. I have learned so much about patience through this process of recovery. I definitely am not excited about the next chapter because it means more work, but I learned that if I put my mind to it I can accomplish some goals. I am positively beaming today and my joy is being felt by anyone I encounter.

Day Eighty One: Solstice in Times Square

Today I participated in the summer solstice in times square, where you can do yoga in the middle of times square. It was very interesting seeing all the people come out to do yoga, but it wasn't as serene as I like my yoga to be. The microphone system was acting up and there was construction going on behind us, but I still tried to concentrate. I've been wanting to do this for two years and today I was a little disappointed. I thought it would be cool, but it really wasn't. I would have rathered to go to my regular class in a quiet studio that probably would have been more of a workout, but I'm working on trying new things so I stayed throughout the class. I learned that having high expectations can sometimes lead to disappointment. I also learned that I could concentrate in the middle of times square, no easy feat. I guess I just would have preferred a different teacher, too much spirituality not enough movement for my personal taste, but its all good I won't always get me way. Lesson learned

Day Eighty: Chavelas

After attending a meeting last night my tummy was grumbling for one of my favorite restaurants Chavela's  in Brooklyn. They make such amazing sangria, even though I can't touch the stuff. I thought I could sit down in the restaurant, but so many people were drinking I think it would have been too much temptation. Just a couple of months ago I would have taken the risk, but now I really don't want to put myself in any sticky situations. Its funny how a little time clean can change my way of thinking. I am definitely feeling a little different in my outlook on life. I'm not completely gung ho, but I am recognizing my blessings. I learned that if I take a step back before making a decision I usually make better choices. I also learned to listen to my heart and not my head because that can be a very confusing place for me.

Day Seventy Nine: Pamper me day

I decided that I needed a pamper me day. I got a manicure, pedicure, and a bikini wax. I love stepping out of the salon and feeling so clean and pretty. It definitely made me feel better about my body, even though I'm still obsessed with my weight. There is this great place in Manhattan that gives you a deal of $21 for mani/pedi. The girl who does my nails is a real gem. It finally didn't rain and I looked extremely pretty in my mind. Sometimes a girl just needs some good treatment from others to help brighten her mood. I learned that I need to do more nice things for myself and that I'm lucky that I can take time to do that.

Day Seventy Eight: Budgeting

I had to put my big girl panties on today. My funds are getting low and I definitely have to budget better. I can't just go around placing my bank card down, I really have to balance my checkbook. However at the end of the day I have been doing a good job of paying my bills on time. I finally  opened my mail after three weeks of not looking at it, following my out of sight out of mind mantra just isn't working anymore. I was able to decide what I could afford and what needed to be put on hold at this time. Its funny because I learned about balancing my checkbook in the fourth grade, yet those skills have been under utilized. I learned that if I just stop procrastinating I can get on top of things. I also learned that bills aren't the enemy but just a way of living life on life's terms. I will be opening my mail from now on.

Day Seventy Seven: Battling Depression

I am still totally insecure about what others think of me. I know that I shouldn't give others so much power, but I just haven't reached that stage in my development yet. When I'm sharing in meetings I think people hate me, but I still share because I have to voice my feelings. I had a little tiff with my friend the day before and I could tell that it was still bothering me. It reminded me of how I feel like I can't do anything right and I suck when it comes to relationships. I haven't been able to call some of my friends because it's been so long and I feel embarrassed. I learned that self esteem takes time to develop but as long as I recognize when these thoughts occur and bring me down I can take a step back and question why I am taking things so personally. I am learning to recognize my behaviors that don't serve a purpose. Hey its definitely a step in the right direction.

Day Seventy Six: Dancing and Yoga

I finally feel like my flow of exercising is coming back. In pole dancing class I played with stripping off layers of clothing while I danced and it really did give me something. I am learning how to loosen up through this experience however I'm still self conscious about my body. My body feels heavy when I'm trying to climb the pole and go upside down. I'm still out of shape, but I'm working on it. After my dance class I went to yoga and I'm almost able to balance again. Exercising in this way doesn't feel like I'm doing too much. I have been watching myself, since exercise is just another addiction for me, since I can be so controlling about my weight. I've learned to embrace where I'm at even though I haven't seen any end results, but I know this can work itself out with time. I am learning how to be more patient.

Day Seventy Five: Private Lessons

I went to my writing class and only 3 of us were present, which was kind of cool since it allowed us to get individual help with our assignments. I was able to put a timeline together and put my memoir together through life lessons. I felt very successful with my vision and hopefully all of it will work out. Writing is harder than I thought, I consistently find myself having writer's block. I never felt that way when I was getting high, the words just seemed to spew out of my mind and on to the page. I learned that my higher power has been providing me with many lessons through this experience. I've also learned that I could possibly be a professional writer if I keep moving in this direction.

Day Seventy Four: Movie night

One of my friends from the program came over and we watched a movie. I miss just hanging out with my friends and doing simple things, like watching TV. The movie was okay, I think I fell asleep a little bit. I was talking and walking in my sleep again. Its so weird, this whole thing of sleep eating and walking. I talked to my therapist about this, but still haven't gained any insight. I learned that I can have simple nights and still have a good time. I also learned that its great to have friends who truly understand you.

Day Seventy Three: Date with Isa

I got to see my baby today. He was so good, he came with me to the doctor and we played the entire afternoon. I love spending time with him, it's like being a mom without having to go through the transformation of pregnancy. I love love love him. I even don't smoke a lot when I'm around him.  I have learned that spending time with a baby really brightens up my life. I have also learned how much I appreciate his mother for letting him play such a big part in my life.

Day Seventy Two: Doubling Up

Yay, it finally happened, I lost 5 pounds. I stopped doing that crazy diet and went back to being vegan and I think its working. Today I went to Pilate's and to yoga again and I finally think I can get my body back. I know it's not going to come off easy but just losing that little bit has got my engine going. Pilate's was hard as usual but I totally want to strengthen my core so I can get rid of my poochie belly. Yoga helps me mentally and physically and I can feel serene and lengthened afterwards. I learned that I can exercise without being high and still feel connected to the spiritual side of yoga. I learned that if I just keep working at it the pounds will start to come off. Once I stopped stressing about eating I think my body can now respond in a more positive light. I am happy today, hopefully I will be able to fit into my clothes again. I'm aiming for the end of the year this time instead of the end of the month. I finally have come to accept where I am.

Day Seventy One: Good Eats

Today I was back on the exercise train, I did yoga and then followed it up with Pilate's. My ankles are finally at a point where I can do some positions, but not all of them. I have to remember to pace myself so that I don't injure myself more so. I don't want to be cut off from exercising ever again. This weight gain has made me crazy. I went to the grocery store today and came home and cooked a couple of meals for the week and I cleaned up the kitchen. Today I had an awesome quinoa burger with a pineapple slice on it and I made sweet corn and okra for my starch and veggies. I love the grocery store because I always eat good for the first couple of days after I've come back. I learned that if I cook and clean while cooking it will all get done and I can relax afterward. I also learned that I do love cooking for others as long as its on my terms, as in no expectations. I will strive to getting back in the kitchen on a weekly basis.

Day Seventy: Voice over

I really love doing voice overs. I got a last minute call to come record a spot and I didn't even have to audition. Thanks to my higher power things are really falling in line with this process. I would love to get on a cartoon and do that for the rest of my life. I did find myself being a little self conscious because I always want to do what the client wants immediately, but I have to remember they picked me for some reason and that they already have faith in my ability otherwise they wouldn't have offered me the job. I think I've found my niche. I hope so at least. I learned that I am truly grateful for these opportunities and that I can still have a career in acting without having to do it from the front lines. I learned that I like to continue to be hidden and that it's  good for me to acknowledge where I'm at. I just have to put a demo tape together and continue to have faith that my dream may come true someday.

Day Sixty Nine: Sharing

I had to share at an NA meeting today and I felt totally uncomfortable. It's really hard to stand up in front of a group of people and tell them where you are at in your process. I found myself being very self conscious about what I was talking about, but after the meeting a lot of women came up to me and gave me their phone numbers. I just wish I could reach out more, but more and more each day I realize that I am a loner. I like to work things out on my own and asking others for help is hard for me. I am scared to get 90 days because that's when people start asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope. I sometimes think that my experience will not help anyone. However, through the process of sharing in front of the room I did find others that related to my struggles. I learned that its okay to be nervous about standing up in front of people and revealing my thoughts and that the comfort ability will hopefully come in time.

Day Sixty Eight: Doubts

Today I went to my writing class and had a piece reviewed. I get so scared that I am not a good writer or that my pieces won't relate to others. I read others work and get jealous and intimidated that I'm not good enough. Being good enough is one of those qualities that continues to beat up my self esteem. Through this process I've been feeling better about myself, but I continue to have doubts, which I think is pretty normal. I've learned that this is one of my character defects, this need to be the best or be perfect. I've been striving for perfection my entire life, even though I know there is no such thing as perfect. I've learned that I need to give myself a break and realize that life is just a learning process and I'm not always going to confident, but if I continue to work on myself the confidence in my gifts will come.

Day Sixty Seven: Revealing myself

I had a conversation with a friend who is in the program with me about my causes of depression. I was able to be completely honest about my life and let them know some of my deepest secrets about things that had happened to me. I didn't cry, but just talked about some major things that had happened in my life. What gave me hope was  that as I told them about certain things they fully listened to me without judgment and offered me a hug. I felt welcomed by this person. I learned that it can be life changing to share your secrets, especially when you get support. I learned that I don't have to keep my walls up all the time and that I am slowly learning to trust others. I hope to continue on this path in all my relationships.

Day Sixty Six: Lunch with Shayna

I always enjoy seeing Shayna, she always brightens my day. We had lunch at Westville, where I love their sweet potato fries, which are never greasy. We got to talk about what was going on in acting class and other things going on in our lives. I am really starting to feel like I'm getting more comfortable in my body and with my friends without the use of drugs. This current day felt a little easier dealing with others than previous days where trying to have a conversation was straining for me. I really am enjoying learning about myself and that I know I will always have support from my friends. I learned that I can live a life without drugs as long as I stay on my psychiatric medication. I also learned that I am grateful for the friends that have stuck by me during this trying time in my life.

Day Sixty Five: Yoga and the Gym

My quest to lose weight has gotten a leg up. My ankles are not completely better yet but they are doing well enough that I could go to the gym and to yoga class on the same day. I have to remember to not overdo it since that's what landed me in the injured zone in the first place. I haven't seen results as of yet but I will try to continue to workout five days a week, no doubles of yoga, and no stressing by weighing myself everyday. I really do suffer from body dysmorphia. I have to continue to do my affirmations where I accept myself where I'm at in this present moment. I have given myself to the end of the year versus the end of the month to fit back into my clothing. I learned that I have to pace myself when it comes to exercise because I can be a little anorexic in that department. I also learned that I can't put my weight over my recovery.

Day Sixty Four: Cornstarch Really

I'm dying from the heat rash that has encompassed my entire body. I love summertime weather but it does not love me. I am allergic to the sun, which really sucks when its so hot outside and I have to try to stay covered up. Today I was itching up a storm from the heat rash and the bug bites all over my body. I was informed today that cornstarch would help with the itching. So I slathered my body in cornstarch and I'm hoping that it works. I'm still going to have to take some Benadryl so I can get  some rest without being annoyed with the itching. Today I learned another home remedy with the cornstarch. Hopefully all this itching will subside soon.

Day Sixty Three: Oh Chavelas

Chavelas used to be one of my favorite places to eat and drink. I was craving their beans and rice and Camarones alla Mexicana. However I wasn't ready to eat there yet. The call of the bar was too strong. I would drink pitchers of Sangria all by myself in the past, but now having 70 days clean I have to be aware of which battles I pick. I decided I could have the food as long as I picked it up instead of eating in the restaurant. My memories served me correctly, the food was excellent and I didn't put my self at risk. I am learning that I can make positive choices especially when I choose to continue to listen to my best self. I am learning to recognize what thoughts are the next best choice for me.

Day Sixty Two: New Chapter

I finished another chapter in my memoir for writing class. I also developed the timeline for what stories I wanted to include. Now I have an outline for my writing. I never thought I would get to this point. I feel more organized in my thought process and I never knew that I would be able to do this clean and sober. I've been on a roll today. I really lucked out because only 3 of us showed up to class which allowed us to have more individual time with the teacher. I am learning to count my blessings. Each day has made me more grateful and I feel my self esteem improving. I am so happy that I am getting to this place in my life. I think I am finding out what I want out of life. I learned that if I continue to take one day at a time more will be revealed to me.

Day Sixty One: Baby Date

I always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I used to believe that my children would never look up to me because I hadn't been successful in certain areas of my life. But after spending time with my nephew I realized that I would be a good mother. We went to Central Park to the playground and the zoo. Zipping him around the city was so fun. I am so happy that we have such a great relationship. We came home and he played with the cats. I have such a good time when I'm around him. I have been in such a positive mood whenever he is around me, even my psychiatrist said we had a great relationship. I learned that no matter what you do your children will admire you, because you are there for them. I learned that maybe one day when I'm ready I'll have a baby and won't be so concerned about how they see me but the fact that I will always be there for them.