Day One: No Men, No Alchohol, No Drugs..... No Life?

The idea of dating myself  was a foreign concept. I have only been on one typical date (as in the guy asked me out and  took me out) in my entire life. Yes I've gone out in relationships but not on official dates.  After detoxing and spending some time in the rooms of rehab my counselor suggested that it would be beneficial for me to spend some time with myself. Spend time with me,ughhh why. I was still in the process of hating myself even though I still have no idea who I am. So I guess that's the point of this project, basically getting to know me.
I've always identified myself with the man I was  currently with, molding myself into the person that they wanted in their face, but totally trying to find myself when they weren't around. The problems always seemed to occur whenever I let myself out of the box of conformity. Guess that's why I was a little bitter and a little crazy.  Give me a tall, hot, man with problems and I'm there.
 After a painful divorce from the man I thought I would be with forever my life kinda spiraled out of control. I was suicidal on the daily, self medicating myself with drugs, alcohol, and sex with strangers; giving myself away freely. I didn't know how to set boundaries, couldn't say no to anyone because I didn't want anyone else to feel rejected since I had been currently living in that state of pain, and on the up side wanting to kill everyone that got under me skin. Oh that rage, if only I could learn how to control it. THAT DAMN RAGE led me to being arrested. I had said to myself a long time ago that I could do anything except prison. I just don't do prison. However surprisingly when it did happen I was the happiest prisoner on the block. The officers and myself were surprised at how happy I was. I danced around, talked to my imaginary friends, and found solace in the peace and quiet that finally helped me stay out of my head. Who was I and who was I becoming? This question still plagues my everyday thoughts.
So after many years of counseling I finally listened and took a suggestion, Get to know me. Married through my twenties when all my friends were discovering themselves I was cooking dinner, doing laundry, trying to be a housewife. I felt trapped, my inner artist wanted to explore the world, move to a different county, run away from life, just run. I am a bonafide escapist. But how could I ever have an adult relationship if I didn't know how to act like an adult. So now its time to put my big girl panties on and enter the adult world, wish me luck. They say (whoever they is) you should treat yourself how you want others to treat you and today I want to be pampered. So I treated myself to a long soak in the bathtub.


Bubble Bath

I drew myself a bath, I'll always remember that saying from the musical Annie, with lots of bubbles, extra hot so my skin feels like its scalding off the dead layers. I lit some candles and put on some Jill Scott. Its so relaxing to lay back and forget about the day, letting my hair down, and just taking some me time.I definitely need more me time if I'm gonna tackle the beast that is New York City on the daily. I learned that I love how soft my skin is when I oil it up before I lotion it down. My muscles feel relaxed and I can catch up on beauty sleep. I would love a man in that bathtub with me, but that ain't happening tonight.  Pampering Myself. Check! Today I learn that a good bubble bath isn't just for the kids, but also soothes the kid inside my heart.