Day Nine: Taking Care of Myself

Today I decided to devote my time to doing some self care. I've been neglecting my body for a long time and didn't realize it since I was lost in my own world. Since my massive weight gain I've clearly been spazzing out to the point that I hoped there was something wrong with my hormones just so I would know how to solve the issue. I even took a pregnancy test to see if that was the cause of the weight gain, but when it came out negative I started obssessing again. So I finally made an appointment with the gynecologist to get my hormone levels checked. However, all they could test was my thyroid, which most likely is not acting up. I'll be waiting for the results secretly hoping that its the answer to my weight gain.  I know that some of my weight gain has to do with the medications that I'm on, but I''m so crazed with my backwards thinking that I had the doctor looking at me half crazy. After telling her that I'd rather be suicidal and skinny, than sane and fat she just shook her head and told me that I needed to talk to my psychiatrist. I often forget how insane my thoughts are and what they must sound like to normal people. However there was something positive that came from this incident; I finally went to the doctor, and I am actually grateful to this weight gain for pushing me to take care of myself. I never would have thought I'd be happy about gaining weight. I learned that I can follow through in things that need to be done and I am important enough to take care of. I am even scheduling a sonogram for a cyst that I have that was supposed to get checked out last year.  I used to feel invincible in terms of anything being destructive to my body, but now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I put a lot of bad shit in there and now I have to continuously practice patience to let the damage be undone. It's extremely important to take care of your health.You only have one body and you have to be good to it before it breaks down on you.  I learned that patience is a virtue that I'm totally lacking,not that I didn't know before, but at the same time I'm making progress in looking out for myself. Surprisingly I feel great. I never thought that going to the gyno would be the highlight of my day.