Day Eight: Battling the Buldge

Rehab is like college you can't help gaining weight because they are always feeding you;mainly catering to the opiate addicts who need to get their weight up. Lately I've been fantasizing about how skinny I had gotten during my using days, its slightly driving me insane. I walk around the city constantly checking out other women's bodies. I found myself even comparing my body to childrens bodies, which is totally ridiculous. I used to only be obsessed with thighs, but now its the overall body. After gaining 30 pounds I feel like my body betrayed me. I don't feel like this is my body, at least its not the body I'm willing to settle for. I've been praying to my Higher Power for patience, but that goes up and down through the days. I've been working out like crazy mixing up pilates, yoga, running on the elliptical, and pole dancing and I haven't seen any results. I know these medications they have me on are making me hold weight. Its just extremely frustrating to not fit any clothes in your closet and I'm tempted to get off my meds. Being crazy and skinny, versus sane and uncomfortable in my body is looking better to me every day. I've resulted to wearing leggings all the time since I can't seem to pull up any of my pants further than my thighs, even when doing that "your gonna fit dammit dance", jumping up and down trying to get my jeans up. I'm also completely vain when it comes to buying new clothes, because I hate getting larger sizes because it makes me feel like I am settling to be in this weight, instead of the motivation I get from planning to fit back into my current clothes. So today I went on exercise overload; yoga and pilates back to back (about 3 hours of exercise) I was gonna run today too, but instead I will run tomorrow. I 've learned that my patience is clearly lacking and its just one of many things that I have to work on in myself. I want to lose weight and I want to lose it now, however my butt has gotten bigger and I definitely don't wanna lose that. Its the one positive thing that has come from my weight gain, even my hair stylist was like 'where did you get all the booty from'. I'm not mad at that I do love my ass. However after one guy in the program told me I had gained weight, that was the last straw for my patience. People I don't even know have seen the difference. That was a fatal blow to my self esteem, however the good thing was that I am noticeable to others. Its nice to be seen, but just not for gaining weight.  Today I will practice looking in the mirror and saying I accept where I'm at today. I'm just going to have to fake it till I make it. I'll be snapping that ruber band on my wrist every time I allow myself to dwell on the negative thoughts in my mind. However I'm still gonna check others bodies out, maybe they will motivate me instead of causing jealousy. Oh the insanity that goes on in my head, at least I'm not the only one, I hope.

                                           What I aspire to size wise but with more booty

                                          toned, sporty, and sexy my perfect combination