Day Twenty Nine: Return to the Old

Today I started my acting class again. Like I've said before I haven't been really feeling acting lately since I'm so enthralled with writing. I think I like writing more since it keeps me behind the scenes. I can also feel free just to be myself and not worry so much about the judgement and rejection that comes along with auditioning. It doesn't hurt that I also feel more confident as a writer. However on the flip side I did get to connect with my friends from class. It was a little weird to be back, I felt like a new person, since I'm newly sober. It was great to see my former classmates and how much they have progressed. I hope that I get my passion back, but right now I'm feeling rather lukewarm about it all. I've learned that coming home in a sense can be a very scary thing especially when you are still trying to find yourself. I also learned that I am truly grateful for my friendships that this class provides me. I also learned that I can actually be connected and listen when I'm sober. Overall a scary but a productive experience.

cool as ever Migina

 

Cutie pie Christina

 

Silly pants Shayna

 

I love these girls with all my heart

Day Twenty Eight: Healthy Meal

I finally made it to the grocery store. My cabinets were bare and I was ordering out everyday. I love the convenience of getting delivery, but the cost is eating into my wallet. I'm starting this new diet so I know I have to cook more for myself so I know whats in the food. I went shopping during the afternoon so it wouldn't be too crowded. I came home, unloaded my stash of veggies, pita chips, and popcorners and cooked dinner for myself. I made smoky collard greens, black eyed peas, and sweet polenta. It was mighty tasty if I say so myself. I forgot how much I like my cooking, its the cleaning up afterwards that I can't stand, I learned that I still have my cooking gene and I love my genius in the kitchen. Yummy Yummy for my tummy. Today is a good day.

Day Twenty Seven: Pampering Me

Now that my house is clean I decided it was time to put an extra umph in my beauty routine. I washed my hair in the kitchen sink just like I used to do as a little girl. Now it feels all soft and clean and I feel like a new woman. I also shaved my legs just becuase. Usually I only shave if I'm seeing someone but today I did it for me. I also did a cool corn husk facial mask from the body shop. My skin feels pampered and I feel more relaxed. All those actions motivated me to cook a healthy dinner; polenta, greens, and blackeyed peas, so yummy. Now its time to catch up on some Sunday night tv, ie. Revenge one of my favorite series. I actually got the dishes done as well. Yay for me, because I HATE doing dishes, it reminds me of growing up handwashing dishes even though we had a dishwasher. I definitely need to pamper myself more often, expecially now that I can't exercise, which used to be my pampering routine. I learned that looking pretty for myself is so much better than trying to do it for others. XOXO for me.

Day Twenty Six: Clean House

My apartment looked like a tornado had run through it. Clothes everywhere, food cartons on the floor, dishes piling in the sink, laundry that needs to be done. I hate cleaning up, but I love when my apartment is clean. It feels like a new space. I decided to bite the bullet and start with the living room. I dusted and vacuumed, put all my clothes away, organized my mail and papers. I burned some incense and listened to my ipod turned up real loud to get me in the mood. It actually went faster than I thought. The cats had left hair all over the apartment and I got it all out. I also got a chance to grab all the shirts that I had set aside for donations. Now my place is clean and serene. I learned that if you just put one foot in front of the other the motivation to get things done will just come. I learned that you should always show up to complete the task and it won't be as bad as I picture it in my mind.

Day Twenty Five: Welcome to the Jungle

Today was my last pole dancing class for the session and the assignment was wild kingdom. You were supposed to choose an animal that you thought your erotic creature represented.Surprisingly I decided that I was going to be a peacock, usually I feel more like a snake, but living in my body now I feel more strong and bold and felt like strutting my stuff. I wore this big poofy skirt and a lacy bra and let my feathers fly. We got to interact with each other in the class and it was like a writhing jungle of animals. I forgot where I was and got lost in the interaction with the other girls. It was a reminder of how much I love the land of make believe and how much you can learn just from uncontrolled movement. My teacher had me stalking another student through a competition of getting the person in the lap dance chair to pay attention to either one of us. It was so much fun, I left floating on a cloud of happiness. I learned that free movement is essential to my sanity. I really need to let go in so many areas of my life, but at least I can start with my inner goddess. Watch out world cause this peacock is ready to show her feathers and fly.

Day Twenty Four: Gearing up for Acting

I haven't really been feeling like acting lately. I feel totally disconnected from my previous dream of being an actress. I decided,with a huge suggestion from my psychiatrist, to return to class. I used to love acting class, but lately I've been feeling writing more than anything. I signed up for class and read two plays. I haven't worked on a character in forever and I'm definitely feeling rusty. I did enjoy one of the plays, the other I could take it or leave it. The assignment reminded me of all the work that it takes to act. I feel like others outside the industry don't understand how much time, dedication, and work that it takes to be so vulnerable and to constantly be rejected. Hopefully returning to class will be a cathartic experience. I'm hoping that my love for my craft will return, but I won't know until class resumes this Tuesday. Wishing myself luck, or better yet patience for myself to let the nuts and bolts readjust. I'm learning to just treat each experience as a new one and its okay to not feel like acting. I have to give myself a break and don't beat myself up too much for not being that enthusiastic. Just remember that each life experience can be a learning experience even if I learn that I'm not so into it.

Day Twenty Three: Releasing the Past

Today was a really hard day for me. I haven't been feeling very strong in my early recovery, temptation is all around me. I watch TV and people are drinking and doing drugs, I walk outside I smell marijuana everywhere. I am clearly being tested on a whole new level. But on the upswing I was able to get rid of one my former connects numbers on my own. Its been really hard for me to let go of my connections, there is still that part of me that wants to have a backup plan, kinda like having a dick in a glass jar on the shelf just in case times get a little rough. However, I did it and my hands weren't shaking this time around. I can't move forward without leaving my past behind me. Today was a step in that direction. I learned its not the end of the world to not have a backup plan. I just need to continue to stay in the here and now, and continue to take one second at a time, even though I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. I will continue to work hard to keep my sobriety even though I don't always feel peachy keen. I learned that I am only as sick as my secrets and as I  continue to expose myself I get healthier. Vulnerability is the key to open the door to my inner happiness.

Day Twenty Two: Spa for One

Today I have been sober for 30 days. I didn't think I would ever get here. So to celebrate I treated myself to a couple hours at Spa Castle, which is this great Korean Spa in Queens. They have all these different saunas, soaking baths, and a pool with different jets that massage different parts of your body. I needed a treatment for my ankles because walking has been so painful. I wish I had a wheelchair. Spa castle was a dream, since I went in the afternoon there were not many people there. I ate, laid in the saunas, and used the jets all over my ankles. I felt a little bit of relief, but I'm still hobbling around. I definitely feel more relaxed and connected with my higher self. I learned to take a moment and just breathe like my tattoo reminds me on the daily. I am deserving of being pampered and I can love myself everyday by treating myself how I would like others to treat me. I'm a girl on fire today.

Day Twenty One: Breakfast for One

I used to feel very self conscious about eating by myself without something to be working on at the same time. Nowadays I really don't give two shits, if I'm hungry I'm going to eat. Today was a cheat day for me. I've been trying to stay Vegan this past month but now I'm giving my body anything it wants. When the cravings come I think it's my body's way of saying I'm lacking something and everything can be good for you if you use in moderation. Regardless, today I was craving a Belgian waffle and that's exactly what I got for myself. I was very proud of myself for sitting at the bar and not being tempted. I learned that good food and good fun can take you through one day at a time at little easier. I learned I like eating by myself and I want to continue to be able to grow through this process.

Day Twenty: Spring Cleaning

I could literally open up a small clothing store with all the clothes I have in my closet. Since I've gained weight I'm having a hard time with letting go because I want to keep my clothes that I used to wear so that I have a goal to look forward to. I finally cleaned out my jewelry and shirt drawers. Where did I get all this shit from? Even with taking out some shirts I still have shirt overload. My dresser drawer is a dangerous place. I still really want to lose weight but I'm being tested with the tendinitis in my ankles, I can't workout and it just hurts to move. I think this is a lesson in patience for me. I 've learned that I can let go and be comfortable with where  I'm at in the moment, but I'm holding on to my old clothing because I'm going to get there eventually.

Day Nineteen: Its 420 Aggghhhhh

420 used to be my favorite holiday, right up there with Halloween, but now in my newly sober existence I can't even celebrate. For those of you who don't know, 420 is the international holiday to get blazed. Getting blazed was an everyday kind of celebration for me in the past. So instead of chilling all day I started my memoir writing class instead. I was scared to go back to class, since I spent the whole time high last time, and I was afraid my creative juices would not flow without the use of drugs. However, when I was sitting in the class I found myself writing freely. I'm so happy that now I can celebrate this day as a writer and not just a drug addict. I learned that fear can be a great motivator. I learned that I could control my impulses even during this amazingly awesome holiday. Now I can say goodbye 420 and hello productive life.

Day Eighteen: Exercise Overload

There are always consequences in life. I finally dropped a pants size (Yay for me) through my diet and exercising. I think the shot of apple cider vinegar that I take in the morning is really working and so is the 3 hours of exercise. However because of all that work I started having an immense amount of pain in my ankles. The pain started on Monday and increased on a daily basis, to the point where I could barely walk. I thought I could pop Aleve and eventually the pain would subside, however that was not the case. I FINALLY went to the doctor on Friday and found out that I have tendinitis in both ankles. I have to stay off my feet, so no exercising for me, and go to physical therapy. I thought I could live with the pain but unfortunately this was not the case. I learned that I need to go to the doctor immediately and not put myself through excruciating pain because I think I'm a warrior. Self care is still a hard concept for me to wrap my fingers around. However through this experience I learned that pain is your body's way of telling you that something is wrong. From now on I will listen to my body.

Day Seventeen: I'm a financial genius

I admittedly am not good when it comes to numbers. I always relied on my husband to manage our financials since he was in banking, but now that I'm divorced I had to get my own finances together. Especially since I've had to pay lawyer fees and doctor's bills. Its hard to come off of one addiction without slipping into another, and that addiction for me is shopping at Forever 21 online ordering clothes that I wish I could fit into. However after my tax bill came in I had to get with a new program, dropping a couple G's will do that to you. So I made an excel spreadsheet of my monthly income and all the bills I have on a monthly basis and was able to calculate how much I had left to spend for the month. I can't believe I actually did something responsible. I had been avoiding doing this fairly simple task for months, but now I actually know the reality of my situation and surprisingly it makes me feel better. I'm going to see how well this works for me over the next couple months, now I can add no shopping to my lists of No's. One more thing taken away from me in my quest for sanity and sobriety, but hey at least I've still got my nicotine. I learned that I can make a budget without help from others, that I'm not as financially inclined as I once believed, and that above all once you put your mind to it you can accomplish anything.

Day Sixteen: Angel Therapy

I've been seeing my Angel Therapist Vanessa for the past three years and every time I have a reading I leave with so much clarity. We use crystals, altars, tarot cards, and her talent to get in touch with my guardian angels. During this angel therapy session we connected to my future and focusing on my writing and how much I should continue to pursue it. She told me to connect with writer's groups and  to create my own writing persona. I loved this idea, allowing myself to create a character and staying connected to my creativity in all my artistic endeavors. We of course addressed the boy issues that I have and now is the time for me to continue to focus on me.The guy that I like is too emotionally fucked up to deal with and has too much pain and trauma in his past to try to actually deal with love. I also learned about floral essences that I could use in place of drugs and help keep me strong in my quest of sobriety. Today was a totally positive based energy session. I know some people don't believe in energy work or psychics but they have always worked for me, kinda like a life coach.  I think its a cool idea to at least try something once and see how it works for you. I got a lot of life guidance in my session.  I find this as a way to connect to my Higher Power. I feel so much more grounded and secure in my life decisions, now is the time for me to move forward into all things wonderful.

Day Fifteen: Pole in the Apartment

Being inspired by my pole dancing class, I couldn't get enough of swinging around the pole. I had a pole from a dance class I used to teach and installed it in my apartment. I can't get enough, even though I hurt my foot in my pole dancing class by swinging into a chair, I love coming home and swinging around the pole. I'm always tempted when riding the subway to swing around the poles, so now I have one that I can swing around whenever I feel like it. I can take it down and put it up anytime I want so that I can have company come over without a stripper pole in their face. My moves aren't quite where they used to be, but now I can practice on a daily. I've learned that perfection is nonexistent, but I can continuously practice to make myself better in all areas of my life. Lesson learned by swinging around the pole.

Day Fourteen: Shayna Date

Today was just the worst, all day long I've just wanted to get wasted. I just wanted to get wasted and pass out. Maybe it has something to do with my taxes being due and having to drop a couple of g's to the IRS. I really just want to say fuck that shit and keep it pushing. But since I'm an adult there is no way to do that without consequences. I hate meeting up with my friends when I'm in a bad mood. I feel like such a burden and a total Debbie Downer. The good thing was that spending a little time with Shayna made me forget about my problems for awhile and it was nice to catch up. She's trying to convince me to come back to acting class and I don't know if I can do it. I haven't really felt like acting lately. I'm kinda over it at this point. Regardless Shayna was a breath of fresh air as always. Its nice to feel supported sometimes. She sat with me and we talked and she told me I was looking like my old self again. Granted I was a hot mess when I was self medicating. Either way I'm happy that I got to see her today and eat some good food in the process. Her optimism about my recovery is helpful to see. I learned that I need to do better when it comes to reaching out to my friends, because I am my own worst enemy. I get lost in Lela land for awhile and totally start isolating. I will do a better job at being connected, because its the little moments of joy that I can experience with my friends that help me get through the rough patches. Thanks Shayna for being a beam that I can lean on

.

                                                                        me and shayna

Day Thirteen: The Kids Wore Me Out

Whew! I thought I had energy until I went to my best friend's son's birthday party. The kids were jumping on me, chasing me, playing sword fight, and wearing me out. I love being able to just relate to the kids on their level. Its cool to just jump in there and cater to their imaginations. I've noticed that I am one of the few adults that run around and scream with them. I love them so much, they brighten up my day every time I get to hang with them. We do nails. play fashion show, have dance parties, and stay up late (9:00 pm) whenever I babysit them. But when they are fueled on sugar (ala cupcakes) its a whole nother level of energy it takes. Today the oldest told me she was going to run away to my house, the middle one told me she wanted to have our date this Friday and for the date she wanted to get her nails done,wear makeup, go out to dinner, and get ice cream (wow look out boys), and the little one said 'yes' when I asked him if he was my boyfriend. I love that even though I don't have kids it's nice to feel part of a family. I am truly grateful to have them in my lives. I learned that even though I don't have a family of my own (i.e. a husband and kids) I have a makeshift family right in my backyard. I learned that its nice to let my hair down and just be one of the kids, however being one of the kids totally wore me out. Its definitely time for me to crash and reboot before I go back into the adult world.

                                                                       the little one

                                                                       the middle one

                                                                      the oldest one
              (btw I'm too through with her pose, I definitely know I taught her that at  some point)

                                                      Me after a afternoon with the kids

Day Twelve:Magic Hair

I need a change up to my look every now and again and this time I wanted to change my hair style. My favorite stylist came to town this weekend and weaved me up. I wanted to do something big and curly with some blond in it. Aisha (my stylist) is amazing when it comes to hair, I'm never disappointed and I can just give her an idea and she runs with it. I tried to convince myself that I just wanted something different because I was tired of looking at my face, but in reality I was just tired of doing my own hair and wanted something easier to deal with. I've been changing my look up since high school whether I wanted it long and straight, big and teased, super duper curly, wavy and beachy, or in a high drama filled ponytail I've always been able to achieve it through magic hair. If you haven't discovered magic hair yet, go to your local beauty supply and don't be scared to experiment. Wigs are a great option if you don't want to commit to anything too
permanent, extensions are currently all the rage no matter what race you are, and color can change your whole attitude. I've learned that you can create whoever you want to be in the moment with the aid of some magic hair. I've learned to embrace my own natural look but don't have to feel married to it either. At the end of the day I'm a woman and the great thing about that is I have the right to change my mind. And today I was inspired by Tina Turner and I love it.

Me before (all natural)

 

Me after (threw some magic hair on it)

Day Eleven: Change of Scenery

I love my apartment, it feels like my sanctuary, but I totally needed to change the energy and give it a new pop. Since I definitely knew I wasn't going to paint it again I thought an easy way to change the room was by changing the comforter and cleaning off my nightstands.  I got the comforter from my favorite store ever, Target. Target is like a drug, one thing from there is too many, yet a thousand things from there is never enough. I can get lost in Target, but that's Target in the suburbs not the one in downtown Brooklyn that never seems to have anything on the shelves. Regardless I can wander around that store for hours buying things I wasn't even thinking about. A trip to go pick up two things can turn into a $200 bill so easily. Anyway the new bed set totally brightened up my mood and my room. I believe that when you need a change just pick one thing to change the energy of the environment and you've got yourself a whole new space. Also cleaning up never hurts either, even though I hate cleaning especially doing the dishes, but I digress; I learned that you can make everything seem like new again with one change, that goes along with anything in life. I have been working on changing my way of thinking and now I see the world a little differently. I never said changing my thinking was easy, but I am doing better with listening to my concerns  and feelings when it comes to different situations. Now I can't wait to crawl under my new comforter and enjoy sweet dreams.

                                          messy bedroom before (it was a busy week yall)

                                                                   A whole new world

Day Ten: I did it, I did it

After many years of contemplation I finally buckled down and got my tattoo. I was scared that it would hurt a lot, but surprisingly it wasn't that bad. It just kinda felt like somebody scraping your skin. I was the same way when it came to getting my first bikini wax, terrified of the pain, but when it happened I was like 'oh that's it'. Maybe childbirth, my biggest fear, won't be so bad either. Luckily I won't be feeling that any time soon since you have to have sex to make a baby and unfortunately nothing is going on in that area for me. However I am so happy that I did it. I love looking at it and the guy who did it was really great and helpful. I totally recommend the shop,White Rabbit Tattoo.  I knew I wanted breathe on my wrist, since I have to remind myself to do that on a daily. Before I open my mouth and let my feelings consume me or say something nasty I need to breathe. I finally feel like I'm letting my true self emerge on a daily basis. I'm happy that I gathered up my courage to face my fear of the pain and came up with a result that will last me a lifetime. I learned that I can follow my intuition and things will work themselves out if I continue to stop stressing. I know I can go far in life if I just continue to face my fears, stay in the moment, and above all just breathe.

Day Nine: Taking Care of Myself

Today I decided to devote my time to doing some self care. I've been neglecting my body for a long time and didn't realize it since I was lost in my own world. Since my massive weight gain I've clearly been spazzing out to the point that I hoped there was something wrong with my hormones just so I would know how to solve the issue. I even took a pregnancy test to see if that was the cause of the weight gain, but when it came out negative I started obssessing again. So I finally made an appointment with the gynecologist to get my hormone levels checked. However, all they could test was my thyroid, which most likely is not acting up. I'll be waiting for the results secretly hoping that its the answer to my weight gain.  I know that some of my weight gain has to do with the medications that I'm on, but I''m so crazed with my backwards thinking that I had the doctor looking at me half crazy. After telling her that I'd rather be suicidal and skinny, than sane and fat she just shook her head and told me that I needed to talk to my psychiatrist. I often forget how insane my thoughts are and what they must sound like to normal people. However there was something positive that came from this incident; I finally went to the doctor, and I am actually grateful to this weight gain for pushing me to take care of myself. I never would have thought I'd be happy about gaining weight. I learned that I can follow through in things that need to be done and I am important enough to take care of. I am even scheduling a sonogram for a cyst that I have that was supposed to get checked out last year.  I used to feel invincible in terms of anything being destructive to my body, but now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I put a lot of bad shit in there and now I have to continuously practice patience to let the damage be undone. It's extremely important to take care of your health.You only have one body and you have to be good to it before it breaks down on you.  I learned that patience is a virtue that I'm totally lacking,not that I didn't know before, but at the same time I'm making progress in looking out for myself. Surprisingly I feel great. I never thought that going to the gyno would be the highlight of my day.

Day Eight: Battling the Buldge

Rehab is like college you can't help gaining weight because they are always feeding you;mainly catering to the opiate addicts who need to get their weight up. Lately I've been fantasizing about how skinny I had gotten during my using days, its slightly driving me insane. I walk around the city constantly checking out other women's bodies. I found myself even comparing my body to childrens bodies, which is totally ridiculous. I used to only be obsessed with thighs, but now its the overall body. After gaining 30 pounds I feel like my body betrayed me. I don't feel like this is my body, at least its not the body I'm willing to settle for. I've been praying to my Higher Power for patience, but that goes up and down through the days. I've been working out like crazy mixing up pilates, yoga, running on the elliptical, and pole dancing and I haven't seen any results. I know these medications they have me on are making me hold weight. Its just extremely frustrating to not fit any clothes in your closet and I'm tempted to get off my meds. Being crazy and skinny, versus sane and uncomfortable in my body is looking better to me every day. I've resulted to wearing leggings all the time since I can't seem to pull up any of my pants further than my thighs, even when doing that "your gonna fit dammit dance", jumping up and down trying to get my jeans up. I'm also completely vain when it comes to buying new clothes, because I hate getting larger sizes because it makes me feel like I am settling to be in this weight, instead of the motivation I get from planning to fit back into my current clothes. So today I went on exercise overload; yoga and pilates back to back (about 3 hours of exercise) I was gonna run today too, but instead I will run tomorrow. I 've learned that my patience is clearly lacking and its just one of many things that I have to work on in myself. I want to lose weight and I want to lose it now, however my butt has gotten bigger and I definitely don't wanna lose that. Its the one positive thing that has come from my weight gain, even my hair stylist was like 'where did you get all the booty from'. I'm not mad at that I do love my ass. However after one guy in the program told me I had gained weight, that was the last straw for my patience. People I don't even know have seen the difference. That was a fatal blow to my self esteem, however the good thing was that I am noticeable to others. Its nice to be seen, but just not for gaining weight.  Today I will practice looking in the mirror and saying I accept where I'm at today. I'm just going to have to fake it till I make it. I'll be snapping that ruber band on my wrist every time I allow myself to dwell on the negative thoughts in my mind. However I'm still gonna check others bodies out, maybe they will motivate me instead of causing jealousy. Oh the insanity that goes on in my head, at least I'm not the only one, I hope.

                                           What I aspire to size wise but with more booty

                                          toned, sporty, and sexy my perfect combination

Day Seven: Prepping for my tattoo

I remember when I was in high school wanting a tattoo, but it was a no go with my parents. So instead I would apply temporary tattoos that you could get from Hot Topic and bubble gum wrappers (remember fruit stripe bubble gum) all over my body since I couldn't get a real one. My mother was very clear with me on her thoughts about the subject, so I never committed to an image that I would want to be branded with for the rest of my life. The rules regarding getting a tattoo are still the same, never get somebody's name tattooed on your body unless they're your kids. The minute you tattoo that name on you the demise of your relationship is sure to follow. Even though I've been dreaming about getting a tattoo for a while now, I'm not quite ready to take that leap so I settled for a Henna tattoo.I had gotten my first Henna tattoo in high school, a nice sunburst tramp stamp for the prom since my dress allowed me to have my back all the way out. I thought I was so cute. I wanted to tap into that inner spirit of freedom mixed with a little sense of rebellion that I felt back then.. So today I found a random threading shop on 31st and 6th, picked an image from a book, and the lady started working on me. Henna has been used in many cultures to decorate the hands and feet of women and men getting married. Although I'm not getting married anytime soon, it doesn't hurt to get yourself done up like a bride. I do love the tattoo I got because I know it takes great skills to make all those designs, but next time around I will use a darker ink. Thank God its only temporary I don't think I could commit to this color forever. I learned that embracing other cultures makes me feel a little mysterious, like you can't tell where I'm exactly from. I got a lot of great compliments and people expressing wanting to do it for themselves, and why not,it looks great and it doesn't last forever and everyone knows a woman has the right to change her mind. I learned that I'm still not ready for the real thing but I can celebrate the artistry of another culture anytime I want.

 

 

Day Six: Mani Pedi Time

After a hard night of pounding the dance floor my feet needed some pampering. I've been a little on the broke side lately and have resorted to self done mani/pedi's. It just doesn't look the same even after I used the at home spa bath. I've always wondered what they did in the nail shop and why I can't get my nails to look remotely close to that at home. So today I decided to treat myself to an eyebrow wax and mani/pedi. I feel like Katniss from The Hunger Games, all scrubbed down.  Oh the price we pay for outward beauty; men have no idea of the pain we put ourselves through, getting hair yanked from every part of our body. I totally enjoyed luxuriating in having my feet rubbed and how good the results turned out. I learned that I do like getting beautified and that every girl deserves a good foot rub. I came out the salon with a glow that I wouldn't give up for the world. Another great day to be alive.

Day Five: Sober Dances, Who Knew

I've been dying to get out and on the dance floor, however going to the club is a complete trigger for me. The lights, the loud music, the late nights all remind me of the time when I was riding the white horse, partying till 5 am completely awake and lost in myself. So when I found out about a sober dance I was more than intrigued. How does this work? How do you party and let yourself go without the use of alcohol and drugs? I didn't know if I could have a good time at a party being sober. The last time I remember going to a completely  sober dance was in junior high school, when we used to dance side to side with our legs intertwined in one anothers doing the butterfly and the tootsie roll. We were just a bunch of 6th graders trying to get our freak on. From  those days I became a party girl, hitting the NYC clubs when I was 17. I was already partying it up before I came to the big city. I still can't get enough of good music, hot guys who can move, and sweating my cares away on the dance floor. The sober party was held in a church. The last time I went to a party in a church it got shot up (oh the many memories of partying in the bay area), but this was really cool. There was a diverse group of people at this party and the music was pumping. It was supposed to be a Motown party, but I don't remember hearing any Motown music unless it was spun into a house dance mix. I grabbed a bottle of water and let myself go. The friend who had invited me told me I was like the energizer bunny. I learned that you can still have fun when you're sober, especially when you're around other sober people. I learned that I can still get my groove on and be myself without judgement. But most importantly I can explore new territories with an open mind. I woke up this morning and actually felt good, no hangover, no withdrawal, who knew that answer to my lonely weekends would be solved in a church basement.

Day Four: The Power of Music and the Pole

After stabbing myself in the hand last night I was ready to cancel my date, but I got my lazy behind up and then headed out to this pole dancing class. I'm so happy that I gave myself the opportunity to learn how to use my sensuality through music and ultimately learn to accept my body where it is at right now. The teacher gave us an assignment to bring in pictures of women that we admired. I found this great picture of Lisa Bonet. I love the natural and simplistic beauty of this shot.

I like the vulnerability and ownership that she has of herself in this image, with just a little touch of sauciness.It makes me think that you won't get over on her.  Many people have told me that vulnerability is beautiful, I haven't quite reached that point of pure belief yet. My fear of being hurt again has definitely kept my walls up. But when I danced to Rihanna's Rock Star all my fears were lifted and I could just enjoy the moment. My body led me to a place of confidence, I owned my curves, and had a pep in my step after the class. So many people told me how beautiful I looked for the rest of the day. I was just living in the moment in the body that is mine now, even though I'm still trying to lose weight I felt better about myself. The power that came from just slowing down is one that can't be expressed in words. I highly recommend that any woman who can find a supportive environment to express themselves should take a class of any sort and ride that wave of happiness and confidence. I learned that I am beautiful just the way that I am and that vulnerability can open your eyes to a whole new world that sits in front of you. So much fun, I'm definitely going to continue on my journey.

Day 3: Happy Birthday Boyfriend

I can't see men, but that doesn't exclude my happy birthday boyfriend. Went to lunch with my favorite two year old today. Kids are a great distraction, especially when its other peoples kids (they can go home). A smile from him totally brightened my day. It's funny how one hour with a baby can totally make you forget about all the shit that's involved in living. I used to want five kids and now I can't even see myself with one, but the minute I saw his dirty little face the mommy gene kicked in.  There I was using spit to wipe his nose off. I learned that even though I may be all screwed up in the head I can still find positivity in the smallest things. Thank you for this gift little one.

Day Two:Finding my Inner Child

Its only been two days and I'm already sick of dating myself. I'm a mess. I realized that in order to continue to grow, I must go back to the beginning. Let my inner child out. I need to continue to allow myself the opportunity to explore. When I was little I was always creating something, putting on a show, dancing around the house, modeling fashions in the hallway. My imagination was alive and so were all my imaginary friends. I could create whole worlds in my head. I don't know what happened to that spirit that was inside me but I haven't seen it in a long time. I don't know if NYC has made me jaded, but the little girl I remember always followed her heart and loved to share her energy with everyone. I loved painting as a child and so I bought some canvas and started painting some pictures. I may not know what I'm doing but this date has allowed me to unleash the inner artist that still lives in me. It was nice to get messy and just let the brushes do what they wanted.  I learned there is no such thing as perfection and letting yourself create with no judgements can be very relaxing. I think I might try this again.

My paintings

Day One: No Men, No Alchohol, No Drugs..... No Life?

The idea of dating myself  was a foreign concept. I have only been on one typical date (as in the guy asked me out and  took me out) in my entire life. Yes I've gone out in relationships but not on official dates.  After detoxing and spending some time in the rooms of rehab my counselor suggested that it would be beneficial for me to spend some time with myself. Spend time with me,ughhh why. I was still in the process of hating myself even though I still have no idea who I am. So I guess that's the point of this project, basically getting to know me.
I've always identified myself with the man I was  currently with, molding myself into the person that they wanted in their face, but totally trying to find myself when they weren't around. The problems always seemed to occur whenever I let myself out of the box of conformity. Guess that's why I was a little bitter and a little crazy.  Give me a tall, hot, man with problems and I'm there.
 After a painful divorce from the man I thought I would be with forever my life kinda spiraled out of control. I was suicidal on the daily, self medicating myself with drugs, alcohol, and sex with strangers; giving myself away freely. I didn't know how to set boundaries, couldn't say no to anyone because I didn't want anyone else to feel rejected since I had been currently living in that state of pain, and on the up side wanting to kill everyone that got under me skin. Oh that rage, if only I could learn how to control it. THAT DAMN RAGE led me to being arrested. I had said to myself a long time ago that I could do anything except prison. I just don't do prison. However surprisingly when it did happen I was the happiest prisoner on the block. The officers and myself were surprised at how happy I was. I danced around, talked to my imaginary friends, and found solace in the peace and quiet that finally helped me stay out of my head. Who was I and who was I becoming? This question still plagues my everyday thoughts.
So after many years of counseling I finally listened and took a suggestion, Get to know me. Married through my twenties when all my friends were discovering themselves I was cooking dinner, doing laundry, trying to be a housewife. I felt trapped, my inner artist wanted to explore the world, move to a different county, run away from life, just run. I am a bonafide escapist. But how could I ever have an adult relationship if I didn't know how to act like an adult. So now its time to put my big girl panties on and enter the adult world, wish me luck. They say (whoever they is) you should treat yourself how you want others to treat you and today I want to be pampered. So I treated myself to a long soak in the bathtub.


Bubble Bath

I drew myself a bath, I'll always remember that saying from the musical Annie, with lots of bubbles, extra hot so my skin feels like its scalding off the dead layers. I lit some candles and put on some Jill Scott. Its so relaxing to lay back and forget about the day, letting my hair down, and just taking some me time.I definitely need more me time if I'm gonna tackle the beast that is New York City on the daily. I learned that I love how soft my skin is when I oil it up before I lotion it down. My muscles feel relaxed and I can catch up on beauty sleep. I would love a man in that bathtub with me, but that ain't happening tonight.  Pampering Myself. Check! Today I learn that a good bubble bath isn't just for the kids, but also soothes the kid inside my heart.