Day Sixty: Treat myself to a mani/pedi

I discovered a new nail shop that was doing manicure and pedicure for 21 bucks. I love opportunities like that since some places are in the $40 range. It was nice to do something for myself today. It was beautiful out and I did a lot of walking from midtown to downtown. I am so happy to see how cute my feet and hands look. I wish I had the skills to paint my own nails and look as good as they do when that nail shop does them. The girl Nicole who did my nails was extremely personable and did a great job. I learned that I deserve to be pampered every now and again, especially when there is a sale.

Day Fifty Nine: Back to Yoga

I've been missing yoga so much while my ankles have been hurt, I finally decided to give it a go and see how my ankles handled a class. I went to a vinyasa class and gave it my best shot. I still can't do certain poses, but what really killed me was how out of shape I am since missing class for a month and a half. I've decided that I can't afford to give up the serenity that I find in the class and no matter what my ankles are doing I'm going and will just have to modify. It was great to be back into that setting. I learned that yoga not only helps me stay in shape, but it also spiritually connects me with the rest of the universe. It's definitely is a form of meditation for me.

Day Fifty Eight: Native American Medicine Cards

Today I was feeling pretty down and out, my insecurities started creeping up on me again. I decided to do my Native American Animal Spirit cards and found out a growth of information about my  power animals. Everything seemed to be pointing towards my process of rebirth and following my dreams, learning how to pace myself, learning how to trust myself and others, and learning how to trust my gut feelings. I think that these healing cards will provide me with great information during my recovery. I learned what the cards represented and how in tune I am to Native American spirituality. I have been in search for a Higher Power for a long time and I feel like I'm starting to connect to this form of spirituality. I've learned that my form of God doesn't have to be found in some organized religion and that universe will suffice for me at this time in my life.

Day Fifty Seven: Joe's Crab Shack

I've been craving crab like a mofo lately, so I took a drive to Jersey and went to Joe's Crab Shack one of my favorite restaurants. I felt deserving of a little treat for myself. I went to BJ's and picked up some groceries and headed to Joe's. This was my first time being there clean and sober, and watching others drinks pass in my face was a little hard but I'm getting stronger in handling that everyday. I LOVE these little treats that I can give to myself. I learned that I am deserving of treating myself to something special every once in a while. I even ordered some food to go and killed it when I got home. Double crab for me, yay! Now I'm back on the diet train which has been really difficult but I'm still going to try my damnedest to make it work. I learned that its okay to give yourself a break every once in a while and there is no need to feel guilty about it.

Day Fifty Six: Impromtu BBQ

My friend Kisha decided to have a BBQ today. I realized how loved I am by my friends who were concerned about other people drinking around me, but I got through it. I bought myself a bottle of apple cider that way I could have something fizzy that would distract me. I did wish that I could have a drink, but I wasn't as angry as when I see people on the street drinking in side walk cafe's, which was my favorite summer pastime. I bought some fish and her husband grilled it up real good for me. I also got to see a few friends who I hadn't seen in a while, who were totally supportive of my new lifestyle. I learned what it means to be a friend from the actions of my friends. I learned how much they really do love me and how life would be without them around. Today I am truly grateful for the true friends that I have.

Day Fifty Five: Burnt Out

After spending some time with the kids this week I was totally burnt out. But I did keep to my schedule and made it to a meeting. This was an anniversary meeting and for the first time I wasn't angry. The speakers were all really good. I also rented a movie and spent some time on the couch, before heading to a clean club in Queens. My new lifestyle is starting to feel comfortable. I am learning to adjust my old ideas of having fun to a new way of having fun. I've had to drop some friends in the process, but now my Higher Power is putting new people in my life. I'm still craving drugs and alcohol at times, but the cravings are lessening. I learned that life can be okay without self medicating, even though I miss it sometimes. I have to remember the bad times as well as the good in order to continue on my journey.

Day Fifty Four: Date with my neice

After watching  her little brother yesterday I finally had my date with my 7 year old niece. We did makeup, had a dance party, and she got to stay up to 12:30. It's so funny how kids want to stay up late like they are missing out on something. I love this little chick-a-dee, but she also reminded me of how tiring kids can be sometimes. I love babies, but children are a whole nother department. She had so many ideas and could be a little demanding at times, but still very cute. I learned that I really don't have the patience that would be required to have a kid. Before I wanted 5 kids, now I'm not really sure that I could handle one, especially while being clean and sober. I learned that I'm a really cool auntie according to the kids. I learned that its okay not to have children since I can always babysit other peoples kids and then send them home on their way. That is enough for me right now.

Day Fifty Three: Calm and Cool

Today I realized that I lost my checkbook. I still have no idea where it is. I have seen some growth within myself through my reaction to this lost item. I usually would have had a full blown breakdown since I still can't find it, but instead I kept looking without frustration. I called the bank and took care of everything to protect myself, without one tear or full blown anger attack on myself. I am learning how one thing happening to me is not the end of the world. I learned that I am growing and becoming more able to handle life on life's terms. Hello adulthood. what a surprise you can be. Still haven't found my checkbook but I'm no longer stressing about it. Thank God for that, who knew I could be so sane.

Day Fifty Two: I love Voice Overs

Today I had to record a voice over and it just reminded me of how much I love being in the studio. Even though I haven't been feeling acting lately, doing voice overs is the one department that I truly love and want to continue with. Its so chill to go into a studio dressed however you want and to be in and out and get paid for it. I would love to do that for the rest of my life, but first I really want to make a demo tape so that I can get in on some cartoon jobs. I would really love to do that. I learned that just because I'm not feeling one aspect from acting there are several different venues to use my creativity. I learned that the world isn't over just because I'm not on stage and my passion for something I've always loved can be ignited in a different arena.

Day Fifty One: Love my Sister

Today was a rough day for me. After getting some criticism from my agent I had a total cry fest. I still have a hard time with criticism and wanting to be perfect, even though I know in my mind that there is no such thing as perfection. It really had me questioning what I'm doing with my life. Thank God for my sister, I really needed her today. She helped talk me down and helped me get some perspective on life. I really appreciate our relationship. I'm happy that I can always depend on her to be there when I need her and vice versa. Today I learned that it's okay to ask for help sometimes and to be open to lean on people. I am learning how to trust others even more, one day at a time.

Day Fifty: Auditions

Today was one of those days that I spent the whole day running around, back into the grove of going to auditions and having to tape an audition as well. Kisha came over to help me put my audition on tape. I've really just been trying to have fun with acting since I haven't really been feeling it so much. I don't know what I'm doing with myself sometimes. I really love voice overs and wish that I could just concentrate in that arena, there is something about being seen that really overwhelms me. I can't hide. I've learned that I have a hard time being in front of people and being really comfortable with myself, especially now that I'm carrying all this extra weight. I want to work out more and I definitely want to be able to fit back into my clothes by the end of summer. I have to slow down with my expectations. I've learned that its okay to be where I'm at.

Day Forty Nine: Take a Nap

I was extremely tired today, so much that I decided I needed a nap just like the have in kindergarten. I totally need to move to another country that celebrates siesta, I could definitely get into that. I was falling asleep in my meeting this morning even though I had slept for like 12 hours. Its nice to lay in my bed, my favorite place in the world, and catch some zzzz's. I feel totally refreshed when I wake up, usually from passing out on the couch. Sleeping has become my new best friend. I've learned that its great to refer to childhood pastimes because that's when people are especially good to you if you're lucky. I love being coddled. I've learned that taking a nap is important to my common well being. Overall nap time on the weekends are definitely going to become a repeat pattern.

Day Fourty Eight: Writer's World

I turned in another assignment for my writing class and now I think my ideas of what I originally wanted to write about are changing. Writing sober is such a challenge, other classmates talk of how they will have a drink or smoke a j before writing. I am super duper jealous. I know that I can write its just the battle with concentration, not having a timeline , and getting writer's block, that tend to be the problem. I have been writing since I was a young girl, coming up with stories in my head, sharing them with my sister who has always encouraged me to write more. I have learned that writing is extremely difficult and I have a newfound respect for memior writers and their courage to be brutally honest. I hope to follow in their footsteps. I'm starting to dream a little more each day.

Day Fourty Seven: Back to the Gym

I just joined the gym and it feels good to be back there. I have worked out at home, but there are just more options with machines at the gym. I feel totally out of shape since my ankles were injured, but I have to consistently remind myself that I injured my ankles through workout overdrive. I really need to remember how to take things slow. I mainly just did upper body and ab work, but I didn't get the endorphins that I usually get from a good round of cardio. I am happy to continue to push myself gently so that I can get my body back by summertime. I 've learned that it's good to get out of the house to workout, because I seem to push myself a little more in the gym environment. I've learned that the gym is no longer an enemy, but it can actually be a place of sanity. Not to mention there are so many hotties there, added bonus.

Day Forty Six: Helping Hand

Today was a great day, I got to see my boyfriend, whom I believe is the cutest two year old in the world, but I also got to help my friend put an audition on tape. I really enjoyed being on the other side of the camera, since all the pressure is off of you. It was great to also be able to pay it forward by giving another person a helping hand. Now I have to do an audition myself and I'm back in front of the camera. Even though my passiion for acting has been waning I've decided my new motto is to just have fun with it. The more fun I can have, the less nervous I become. I'm just going to do my best and see how it goes. I've learned to just be as free as I can be with myself and to trust myself more.

Day Fourty Five: Thank God for Therapy

My injured ankles are slowly starting to get better, I can actually walk like a normal human being now. I am so thankful for my physical therapist and the massage that she gives to my ankles even though I usually feel pain after therapy I know that I am being healed. I've learned to truly appreciate my body when it is healthy. I can't imagine living with a permanent injury. I am trying to get stronger in all areas of my life. I learned that I need to continue to make note of the small things therefore life won't seem so awful all the time.

Day Fourty Four: Healthy Body Healthy Mind

I woke up and made it to grocery store this morning. I love grocery shopping when it isn't so crowded. I got lots of great fruit and protien so I can continue on my diet. This diet is irking me,it is so strict and it makes me want to cheat. The other day I ate about 4 big bags of cinnamin sugar pita chips. I am such a snack binger. They say when you give up one addiction others seem to pop up and for me food is a big issue. I love being skinny and after gaining all my rehab weight and injuring my ankles I haven't been able to keep up with my regular workout routine. I'm trying this fast metabolism diet which says you can lose 20 pounds in 28 days, since I've been cheating I have to start the process over, but with all my new groceries I can definitely stick to it if I continue cooking for myself. Today I learned that I do have determination to get back on my healthy grind. I also learned that sticking with my diet is not the end of the world. Wish me luck in letting go of these pounds, time to get ready for summer.

Day Fourty Three: New Friends

Today I went with my new outpatient friend J to an AA meeting. It feels so great to have friends with people who are working the same program as me. I can be honest in my feelings and know that there are others out there who are struggling with some of the same issues that I am. I love this new girl, she's funny and totally gets me and we help each other out through the struggles of being in recovery. I have a harder time connecting with women so we went to a women's meeting which was good. I still connect better with NA but this was a good opportunity to have a girl's date. I learned that I can find women friends and feel comfortable about who I am around them. Even though I went to an all girls high school it seems so much harder as an adult, because sometimes I feel like women throw shade at me. That feeling is probably in my head, or maybe it is a reality. Gaining this new friend makes me feel better about trying to connect with other women. I learned that if I am open minded I can continue to build bonds with other women.

Day Fourty Two: Back to Yoga

I finally went to a yoga class, despite the pain in my ankles. It was a little brutal but I pushed through it. I've been missing yoga so much since I injured myself.  I miss the endorphins and the meditation. I was having a wreck of a day since I forgot to take my meds, never doing that again, I was totally unbalanced. I wanted to punch everybody, and was extremely high strung, every little thing was bothering me. Yoga was nice but it was hard to keep up, but I'm happy that I went. I learned that I'm not quite ready to go back, but I gave it a hard try. I learned that I need to slow down and that I have to continue on my journey for patience. I am learning that its okay to be wherever I'm at and to accept things for what they are. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to continue going to yoga sometime soon.

Day Fourty One: Laundry Day

I've been avoiding doing my laundry for about a month, but since I'm on this cleaning streak I finally was sick of looking at it. I had forgotten about the clothes that I had since so many of my favorite outfits weren't dirty. I'm happy I finally got it out of the way. The one thing that confuses me is whether or not its bad etiquette to take others clothes out of the machine when the cycle is over. I do it anyway since I need to get my stuff done without waiting all night for the previous person to show up. This is a lesson in patience for me. Since I am on my clean streak I also made a clean dinner for myself, sauteed kale and pears, who knew the combination would be so good. I'm practicing clean living all the way. I learned that once you make one healthy choice other healthy choices tend to follow. I'm just happy all my clothes are clean once again so I have more choices. I also learned that I need to do laundry at least every two weeks so the pile doesn't get too loaded. I'm really starting to enjoy my clean living lifestyle.

Day Forty: Cleaning Again

I can't stand the fact that my apartment gets so messy so quickly, the sad part is that it is all my mess. I decided to finally succumb to the cleaning gods and just get it done. I cleaned my bedroom and living room, putting away my film audition equipment, hanging up my clothes, vacuuming the crumbs from my late night snacking in bed. Surprisingly I'm still eating in my sleep, its so crazy to wake up with a bag of empty pita chips next to you wondering how they got there. It is nice to have my space sparkling and new, it makes me feel rested and happy. I hope that I can keep it up, usually give me 2 days and I start trashing it again. I learned that even though I am a clutter bug I really like my space to be clean. I learned that I can once again give myself a new outlook on things just by cleaning. I've learned that if I just do it and not procrastinate it doesn't take as long to clean up. Who would have thought cleaning would take me so far in my journey.

Day Thirty Nine: Dialogue

I had an assignment in my writing class to write a story just using dialogue, which started off as a challenge but later became a blast from the past. I totally miss one of my good friends who I've had so many life adventures with. The story involved a drunken night and the calamities that ensued afterwards. I love writing, even though I tend to get massive writer's block. I never knew it would be so difficult to try to write sober. I find myself being jealous of people who can contain themselves. I wish I were them. But on the flip side I now know what I am talking about instead of just having massive versions of streams of consciousness. Regardless I learned that I could complete an assignment sober, it just takes more time. I learned that writing has become my new best friend and I hope to continue on this journey and hope my experiences can relate to others.

Day Thirty Eight: A Date

The beast is back, in terms of acting. I had a really good rehearsal with my scene partner and had my first official date of 2013. I know I'm not supposed to be dating yet, but in the wake of springtime my hormones are raging. I'm going to do things differently this time around. We went to the gym, so many hotties I'm definitely going back, and had dinner. I've never been a dater before so I ended up googling how to get to know people. Most of my relationships have involved sleeping with someone and then getting to know them. This time around I wanted to get to know them first and sleep with them later. I learned that I don't know how to turn off my raging hormones, but this is a great challenge for me. I can do this if I continue to take baby steps. The date was fun and now I have a new admirer, at least I think I do. I learned that I'm an interesting girl to get to know, with tons of life experience and some baggage in the trunk, but I can be tons of fun when I let my personality shine.

Day Thirty Seven: New Friends

I've met a new friend in outpatient and it feels great. Friendship comes easily for me when I instantly have something in common with another person, and its definitely nice to have someone understand what its like to be in recovery. Recovery is a constant battle for me everyday since I'm still in love with drugs and the feelings it allows me to cover up. Vulnerability is my biggest issue, but as I allow myself to get to know people its a becoming a somewhat easier process to let them in. I wish I wasn't such a scared little girl, but I've learned by exposing myself I'm becoming more of a woman. I am woman hear me roar will be my new anthem. Watch out world because here I come.

Day Thirty Six: Over Achiever

I've been kind of out of the acting game for a while and have been questioning my dedication. I feel extremely rusty in class and I've been wondering if I really am good. It's nice to have the support of my friends but I still need to find support in myself. Regardless I just took on another acting assignment because the teacher needed people to double up. I volunteered hoping this opportunity would renew my faith in acting. I see how I continue to strive for perfection, even though I know there is no such thing as perfect. I learned that maybe I am more dedicated than I give myself credit for. I learned that its OK to feel rusty and that I have to continue to believe in myself. I hate those days where I can't seem to get my self esteem back, but the great thing is that it's still one day at a time.

Day Thirty Five: Dressing Up

Today I wore these black and white leopard print leggings that must have some magical powers because all these men were making comments at me all throughout the day. I'm starting to feel good about my body again since it appears that I'm losing some weight. I think my confidence is starting to show through and my spirit is feeling light and free lately. It does feel nice to have admirers just as long as they don't touch me. I hate when guys try to touch you for no reason whatsoever. It's like get out of my face. I do like feeling pretty when I dress up for myself. I learned that my inner energy affects my outer self. I am going to continue to be aggressive in my search for myself and the inner beauty that resides inside of me.

Day Thirty Four: My erotic creature

I've been taking my pole dancing classes and today I really experienced the erotic creature that lives inside of me. My erotic creature appears innocent but is really naughty underneath. It is so great to get wrapped up in the movement and to close my eyes and see where my body takes me. I embrace my curves in the class and love to touch my body and accept it for where its at now. I've started to lose some weight on the fast metabolism diet which of course makes me happy when I look in the mirror in the morning. This diet has me dying though with all the rules; no sugar, no caffeine, no corn, no wheat, no alchohol, and the list goes on. I am going to be able to start exercising again hopefully, I miss my regular workout routine, not only does it keep me in shape but also grounded in my mind. I've learned to embrace my curves and to let that fire inside me ignite. I feel like superwoman today.

Day Thirty Three:New Associations

I've really learned that my old lifestyle and my way of seeing things gets me in trouble. But through this process I'm starting to make new friends that are on the same path as me. Recovery feels good on me. I can laugh, sort through my emotions without spazzing out, and learn more about myself. I went to a meeting and another sober party with a girl from my out patient program. Its nice to feel like I'm making new friends. It is still very difficult for me to open up completely, but I'm well on my way. Its nice to feel like I'm thriving in the city not just surviving. I am gaining new perspective one day at a time. I feel as though I am growing through this process. I've learned to be patient with myself through this process and wait for the good times to come along. I'm starting to see the miracle.

Day Thirty Two: Back on the Grind

I have not been feeling acting lately, but a job opportunity came through from my agents. Its so bad to dread having to audition. I don't know why I'm so over it. Maybe I don't want to connect with my emotions. Acting is such an intimate and difficult path at times. My friend Mackenzie came over at 2am and helped me put my audition on tape. I really felt out of the game. I just returned to my acting class on Tuesday and I was also feeling out of place. Especially with all my friends being so skinny, I'm so jealous since I used to look like that too. Oh the curse of the rehab weight and the weight I'm holding on to from my medications. I did feel like I connected during my audition so hopefully it will get some good response. Even though I'm hating auditioning I do feel like my skills haven't gotten too rusty. I learned that sometimes you just have to push yourself even when the passion is gone, in hopes that that passion will return. I learned that its okay not to be super excited about everything. I also learned that I am a good actress and I am a voice in this world. Wish me luck as I continue on my journey.

Day Thirty One: Writers Block

I'm taking a Memoir Writing class, since I totally missed half of the classes the last time I took it. I really love the teacher and the fact that I'm writing again. I sat down on this beautiful day and decided to focus on my assignments. I love the fact that writing allows you to be seen, but not seen at the same time. I feel like you can crawl into your writing cave and still be successful. Today I worked on a chapter about this guy I used to go out with and working on my big chapter assignment that had to do with me living in Wonderland (ie. Alice and Wonderland). Writing is such a meditative thing for me except when I get blocked. I didn't know where I wanted to take the piece and what I wanted to be the theme of the book. I learned that sometimes you need to take a break and step back until the mood strikes you again. This is my first time being sober and trying to find my voice at the same time. I know I can do it,but its a totally weird feeling to be present and to share your vulnerability. I'm up for the challenge.

Day Thirty: New Shoes

I've been wearing all my shoes until they have fallen apart, literally, usually while I'm walking and a lot of times when its raining. I just can't seem to let go, a common theme that has followed me through my life. I had a really good day today. I went to a meeting to continue in my quest  towards sobriety, went to physical therapy for my ankles, and I decided to treat myself to a little treat. Instead of using my money to buy drugs which I would have done in the past, I bought myself a pair of shoes.Sometimes I forget how much money I've thrown into poisoning my body just to stay away from my emotions. Now I'm learning to deal with my emotions on a daily basis through counseling and other therapies. For all the hard work I've been putting into my growth I decided I deserved a little treat. I learned that sometimes you need to treat yourself to something  nice so that life doesn't become stagnant. I also learned that I'm worth it and I don't need to apologize for treating myself to something nice.

super cute and sweet