Day One Hundred and Fifty One:Electric Zoo

Oh my God, electric zoo was amazing. I've wanted to go to this concert for 3 years and I finally made it thanks to a deal off of living social, because I could never afford the tickets before. I had such a good time and I was able to stay clean. I was a little wary about going to the concert because of the massive drug use, but I was able to stay and hear 3 dj's that I wanted to see specifically. I danced my ass off and sweated like a fat man on a 100 degree summer's day. Of course it was filled with half naked people and crazy costumes. I couldn't believe that I had such a great time even though I went by myself. I definitely want to go next year. I learned that I could stay clean and have a good time. I also learned than I'm stronger than I think that I am.

Day One Hundred and Fifty: Prospect Park Zoo

Today I got to spend some time with my boyfriend Isa, my little nephew. I haven't seen him in three weeks and it was like he didn't know who I was anymore. He's getting really big and I'm starting to notice how much I like babies versus kids. He is still a cutie pie though. We went to the prospect park zoo since he loves animals  It was really cute to watch him feed the goats and the sheep. The only thing I hated was that they had snakes there. We were looking at this lizard and all of a sudden this big ass boa constrictor just slithers in out of nowhere. Uggh I still hate snakes, I had to move because I couldn't handle it anymore. Those fuckers still make me tremble. Overall it was good to spend time with him. I learned that I love babies more, because I can't always deal with children. I also learned that kids grow up so fast, it's like one moment away and they come back so big. I also learned that I'm not ready to have kids yet.

Day One Hundred and Forty Nine: Weight Watchers

As I've written many times before this weight gain is killing me, especially my self esteem. I never thought I would ever be this heavy and it's driving me insane, since I work out so much and eat right and still am not seeing any results. I somehow keep gaining weight. I'm tired of buying new clothes. this weight gain has made me hate shopping. Through the suggestion of a couple of people around me I decided to try weight watchers and I really hope that it helps. I've already been keeping a food diary so this isn't much different. Its making me realize that I am not eating enough in the day. I learned that this program could possibly be helpful and I'm learning to be open minded to the idea of trying something different. Hopefully this will help.

Day One Hundred and Forty Eight: Spa Castle

I've been really down the last couple of days and spent all morning crying for some reason unknown to me, so I decided to take myself to the Spa Castle in Queens to get some relaxation time. I sat in the saunas and went into the pool with the massaging jets. It was nice and somewhat relaxing except for the kids who kept splashing in the pool. I want a kid free experience sometimes, more like most of the time. I learned that I need to treat myself a little better and start caring for myself the way that I care about other people. I also learned that just a piece of relaxation time a week is totally worth it.

Day One Hundred and Forty Seven:Clean House

Ughhh my house was so dirty I couldn't stand it anymore. I devoted 3 hours to deep cleaning the house.  I was down on my knees scrubbing the bathroom floor. The only room left to do is the kitchen, but I will tackle that tomorrow since I have all this cooking to do. I love when my house is clean, but it only takes a day or two before it starts getting cluttered again, usually because I am always on the go. I find serenity in having a clean space. I learned that I am a clutter bug, but I love a clean space. I also learned that I have so much shit in my space that I need to get rid of.

Day One Hundred and Forty Six: Afro Punk Festival

This weekend was the Afro-Punk festival and I decided to check it out today. It was okay, there were so many people there and at first it felt weird to be coming there alone, but I saw this good band and I lost myself for a minute and wasn't self conscious. Score!!!! They had two stages with a multiple number of groups. I wanted to see ?uestlove but I started getting tired and couldn't wait any longer so I bailed out. I ate some tasty food off some of the food trucks and walked around. New York is so funny because it is made up of so many different characters. I saw people with all kinds of hair colors, men in skirts, mid-drifts everywhere, it was a lot of hot messes. There was also the permanent smell of weed which had me jonesing as usual, but I took care of myself by leaving once it got to be too much. I learned that I am really starting to learn how to take care of myself in tempting situations. I also learned that I can really go to a big activity alone and get over my self conscious feelings.

Day One Hundred and Forty Five: Speaker Jam

Today I have 5 months clean in recovery. I still can't wait till I get 6 months so that I can get my key tag. Those key tags motivate me for some reason, but they say whatever keeps you coming. I went to my first speaker jam and it was okay. It was extremely crowded and one of the speakers I heard was crazy. I felt like all she was doing was talking about sex, but I totally get that, but it was a little too much for me. It gave me an idea of what the world convention would look like. I've learned that I'm finally getting accustomed to listening to speakers and that I'm starting to get more accustomed to being in the program. I learned that I'm definitely an addict and that I'm exactly where I need to be.

Day One Hundred and Forty Four: Manhattan Bridge

I finally conquered the Manhattan Bridge. I was able to bike the entire bridge without stopping. I think my stamina is finally starting to build up. That bridge is so long and its on a constant incline. I just have to mentally tell myself that I can do it while I'm biking. I really love love love biking, it has become my new form of meditation and I'm definitely getting more aggressive with my riding. I still hate the Brooklyn Bridge, even though it's the shortest, it's always super crowded. I learned that I can actually bike the bridge without stopping and I also learned that if I set my mind to it I can do anything.

Day One Hundred and Forty Three: Collage

I've been really miserable the past couple of weeks, even though I've been trying to do things for myself on a consistent basis. I really am missing my old life, it seemed like I was having more fun. Today I picked up Real Simple Magazine so I can make myself a motivation collage. I remember having a really good time doing art projects as a kid and hopefully this project will continue to keep me inspired. I 'm learning that I'm starting to get really depressed again. I also learned that hopefully having more fun in my life will help me find that upswing again.

Day One Hundred and Forty Two: Pimped Out

Today I pimped out my bike with Hello Kitty stickers. I'm so happy with the results. Anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I am when it comes to Hello Kitty. It's like if I see hello kitty stuff I can't help but buy it. It's hard for me to turn Hello Kitty items down, even if they are useless items. I bought some stickers at Target and glued them onto my bike today. I biked to the city today and did yoga and Pilate's, which made me realize that I am burning off all the food I've eaten since I've been doing this food and exercise calculator to help me lose this weight. I count this as my artist date since it involved my creativity with deciding how I wanted my bike to look. I learned that I really love biking now, even though I hate bridges. Today I took the Williamsburg bridge and I will probably never do that again, since it has 2 massive hills. Oh hell no! I also learned that I can accomplish my bike riding and exercise goals in the same day. I really learned that I have to eat more, so my body isn't holding on to my fat and therefore not allowing me to lose any weight.

Day One Hundred and Forty One:Resume

I'm getting myself together to start looking for a job. I worked on recreating my resume and it was all because of my therapist who helped me get it started. I hope that I will find a job that will support my needs and that I actually enjoy. I'm getting kind of anxious about entering a new field, its the fear of the unknown. I also took a big step in my dieting, by joining web md calorie tracker. I really hope that I can start to lose at least a pound, it would really help boost my self esteem. I'm learning all these new programs to help prepare me for a new job and I know that I'm a quick learner, but I still have some doubts about my abilities from time to time. I've learned that I really am afraid of change. I also learned that I can accomplish goals when I set my mind to it.

Day One Hundred and Forty: Gladys Knight Concert

I wanted to do something fun for myself, so when Kisha told me about the free concert at Wingate Field in Brooklyn I was so there. The concert was okay, but I was in a kind of distracted mood. I've been trying to get out and do some fun things, but I realize a lot of stuff isn't fun to me anymore. I went with a friend and it was okay, but sometimes I just like doing things by myself. I am trying to be more comfortable with just doing things by myself and I 've learned that I usually have a better time when I'm by myself, but I totally have to work on not isolating. I miss my old days with my best friends and all the fun we would have together. I learned that finding out what I like to do has become a disappointing process at times, but I'm going to keep on giving myself a chance. I learned that I also am a major isolator, but I'm still working on it.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Nine:Road Trip

I took a road trip to Jersey, so that I could hit up BJ's and Target. Even though we have Target in Brooklyn they never have anything on the shelves and I love Jersey Target since its so big. Target is my number one addiction though, I can't seem to control myself in that store. I'll walk in planning to get one item and then I'll wander around the store for hours and end up with a $200 bill. Its so crazy. I shouldn't be left there alone. I also had a glutinous trip food wise. I dined at Joe's Crab Shack, it is so good, and spun off to Sonic afterwards to get a cherry vanilla slush. Jersey always triggers old memories for me of married life. I still haven't completely gone through all the stages of grief that I associate with that relationship. I learned that Target is not a healthy place for me to go to alone. I also learned that I miss my old life. I'm trying very hard to move on and live in today and not the past. So far I'm doing a good job, but damn it is hard work.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Eight: Pamper Me

I had a pamper me day today. I rode my bike into the city. I am doing this very frequently now and some of the hills are starting to become a little easier to get up. I went to get a mani/pedi and a 90 minute massage. I need a massage like every week because of the tension in my shoulder. Even after a layer has been massaged out the amount of tightness in my neck and shoulders is still unbearable. I still am having problems with my right shoulder. I have really needed a day like this since I was feeling pretty down the last couple of days. I learned that my body is mad at me and I need to treat it a little better. I also learned that I need massage a least once a week. I also got a chance to talk with my sponsor and we had a good conversation. I'm getting better at reaching out, but I still like to keep to myself the majority of the time.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Seven: Movie Night

I went to see the movie The Butler, and boy was it long. I went by myself to a 7:15 showing where the audience was filled with couples. This was my first time feeling weird going to the movies by myself. I go to the movies by myself all the time, but there was something about going on a Friday night that made it different. The movie theater was packed and I was happy to see a black movie getting so much support from different races. I learned that I feel alone sometimes and that is a uncomfortable feeling for me to sit in. I also learned that I don't like crowded movies. I do enjoy going by myself because I can really enjoy the movie without talking with another person about what's going on.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Six: Power Point

I've been learning Microsoft office programs through Lynda.com so that I can be prepared when I start searching for a job next month. I finally finished learning Excel, the most boring program ever, I'm pretty sure I won't need to know half that information, but at least I learned it. Now I've moved on to Power Point. I feel like I'm being very proactive right now when it comes to my preparation for getting a job. Today I was a little down, I guess the after effects of it being my anniversary started to sink in today. I just feel like I never got any real closure on the situation, since the person that I considered my best friend no longer has any contact with me. I still wonder if he ever thinks of me. I sometimes still feel discarded like a piece of trash. I learned that being proactive is helping build up my self esteem. I also learned that I feel uncomfortable about the fact that I don't have any real closure and that I am fearful for the day that I run into my ex, specifically because of the fact that I haven't reached a point where I feel like all my questions can be answered.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Five: Getting Past the Pain

Today was my wedding anniversary, and it was my first one since becoming divorced. I didn't really have too many feelings about it, which surprised me. Last week I was in mourning over the end of the relationship but on the actual day I didn't feel too much. I made sure that I stayed super busy so that I didn't have much time to reminisce. I biked into the city, went to physical therapy, yoga, and counseling. I was beat by the time I got home. I did a good job of taking care of myself. I learned that I am starting to move on and that its getting a little easier day by day. I still go through stages of grief, but I'm definitely in a much healthier place.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Four: Migina and Christina time

I went with Migina and Christina to look at wedding dresses for Migina. I can't believe she's getting married so soon, I'm so happy for her. It was so great to see them and catch up, I totally need to hang out with them more. They are both still in class and it sounds like everything has been going well. We went to Westville for lunch, oh god I love that place, and had some good chat time. I am feeling in a much better place with my life and I think that they can tell. I learned that even though I don't miss acting class I really miss my acting friends. I also learned that looking at wedding dresses doesn't make me depressed and that I am really entering the stages of moving forward in my new role as a divorce'.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Three: Biker Chic

I'm still in love with my bike. Today I had quite an adventure. I biked from Brooklyn to Manhattan, went to my therapist appointment, than to the home depot, uptown to yoga, and further uptown to a meeting. I biked all day long. However the greatest part of my trip was biking down the Westside bike path. I had views of NJ, and I didn't even realize there was a park over there. I saw sculptures and basketball and tennis courts. If I didn't have a bike I wouldn't have known that this place existed. I learned that through my bike riding I am experiencing new parts of the city. I also learned that I could bike the city without being scared. Although I do continuously lookout for parked cars, so I don't slam into someone's door. I need to get a new basket for my bike since the current one is falling apart. I also make it up the hill on Washington without having to stop.Overall I enjoyed the day.

Day One Hundred and Thirty Two:Lama Marut

Tonight I went to a spiritual speaking event given by Lama Marut, basically talking about how to live in reality through radical acceptance. It was very similar to what I'm learning in my NA program. He talked about two mantras to live by. Of course I've already forgotten them, but summed up one was talking about it is in this moment. Life is what it is in this moment. What I got from it was living in a state of continued gratitude and accepting that life is what it is. More so about having expectations and wanting what we want now, and not wanting what we have is what causes discontentment in life. It wasn't exactly my cup of tea, but the message made me appreciate my program so much more. It told me that what I'm working on through my spiritual principles are very similar to the principals of eastern religion, however I like my program more. I learned that I am starting to become more connected to the principals that are practiced in NA. I also learned that these are very simple concepts that are hard for complicated people to grasp. Today I learned that I am grateful for NA.

Day One Hundred and Thirty One:Summer Streets New York

I've been trying to take advantage of all the free stuff that the city has to offer lately. So today I hit up some exercise classes that were being given by crunch as part of the summer streets festivals. I biked into the city and took yoga, strength training, and a Caribbean dance class before I was ready to fall out. Then I biked it back to Brooklyn. The festival had all kinds of things like a zipline and spin classes and it was all free. However on the flip side my thighs (Thelma and Louise) are totally out of control. They are now rubbing together to the point where I'm getting rug burn from my thighs and now I have these open sores from chaffing. I'm totally unhappy about this. Hopefully when I see the nutritionist this weight problem can be solved. I learned that I really do love being active even if I have to do it by myself. I learned I still can't take the hills in Brooklyn quite yet without stopping for a water break. I also learned that I'm trying to practice patience to the best of my ability when it comes to my weight.

Day One Hundred and Thirty: Concert in Prospect Park

This week I have been trying to do more things by myself so I can get to know myself better. I went to a concert in prospect park last night and I met some really nice people who were sitting next to me. It was nice to come alone and then feel included. It rained during some of the concert, but I was able to sit there calmly and enjoy the event. The first performer was kind of annoying, but I sat through it while the people around me were also annoyed as well. We shared many laughs. Then Shaggy came out and everyone was happy. However someone was smoking some of the best weed I had smelled in a long time and of course there were plenty of people drinking. After a while I had to cut out, because of the overwhelming smell of the alcohol, and I didn't want to walk through the park by myself too late. I learned that I can remove myself from toxic situations. I also learned that I shouldn't stop doing things that I want to do just because I have to go at it alone. I am learning to become more comfortable with going out alone without knowing someone is waiting for me at home.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Nine:Dancing in the City

Tonight I went out with my friend Mackenzie to a party at Apothece in the city. It was great to get out on the town and go dancing, but I wasn't ready for this place yet. The music was chill and I met a guy who was acting like a stalker on the dance floor, but I still had a good time. However this place specialized in making specialty drinks and that was hard for me to deal with. This was my first time going to a bar without another recovering addict. I learned that I'm not ready to go to bars by myself where everyone is drinking around me. It was also my first time having to tell people that I don't drink and I don't smoke. Smelling all that good kush was a reminder of how much I miss it sometimes. I learned that I jumped into a dangerous zone too early, but I am happy that I did learn that about myself.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Eight: Anger in Check

I have a horrible problem with my anger. It only takes the littlest thing to piss me off. However today there was an incident where I practiced control. I went to yoga class today and was running a little behind. There was another student, a male of course, who was also running behind. When I walked over to the door to open it, he said wait. Immediately I became upset because he was telling me what to do. I wanted to clock him so bad. I began to open the door and he was like just wait. Now I really wanted to clock him, but instead I said please don't tell me what to do it's rude. He shook his head but he shut up. I realized that I really hate when men try to tell me what to do. Especially because he wasn't a teacher just another person practicing yoga. I had to say the serenity prayer like 4 times. It took me about 30 minutes to let it go, which is a success for me since I can hold on to my anger all day. I learned that I can control myself in situations that make me want to get violent. I also learned that I really don't like being told what to do.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Seven:Taking Care of Myself

Since this massive weight gain I've been trying to determine where the problem lies. I think it comes from my night eating and my medication. I finally made a doctor's appointment to get a physical done. I had gained more weight according to the scale and my blood pressure was high, most likely from smoking cigarettes. They ended up giving me an EKG, and doing blood work. Hopefully we can find out what that's all about. I even did my routine STD testing, which makes me happy that I'm taking care of myself by going to see the doctor. I asked about diet pills, but of course I have to talk to my pysch doctor to see how my medications will interact. He was also cautious about giving them to me because they are a stimulant. I learned that I can finally follow through with taking care of myself. I also learned that I need to meet with a nutritionist to help me with my eating.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Six: Biking to the City

I bought my helmet and my bike lock and I biked from Brooklyn to my morning meeting in Manhattan today. It was my first time going across the Brooklyn Bridge without a car. That bridge was no joke but I made it without stopping. I can't believe that I was biking the city with cars. I did feel good about my journey, even though when I parked my bike I was scared someone would try to steal my basket so I took it with me everywhere I went.  I will definitely bike to the city another time this week, it is great exercise and its nice to experience the world through a different perspective. I learned that I can bike with traffic. I also learned that I do have the stamina to keep up with other bikers, even though its harder on the cruiser since there are no gears to help me with the hills. Overall today was a good day even though I was wiped out and crashed on the couch when I got home.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Five: Dancing by Myself

I've been down these past couple of days. I wanted to do something to lift my spirits. I decided to go to Coney Island and dance on the boardwalk. Being alone always tends to kick up feelings dealing with not being comfortable with myself quite yet. But I decided to go despite my reservations. I danced and met some people to dance with and had an alright time, at least it got my mind of things for a couple of hours. I learned that going places by myself doesn't always have to be a sad ordeal. I will do more activities by myself so that I can continue to find comfort in being alone. I learned that I can do some things by myself without them depressing me, I also learned that its okay to be alone and hopefully I won't look at it as being the end of the world.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Four: Night at the Musuem

It was Target 1st Saturdays at the Brooklyn Museum. It was my first time going and I had an okay time. I still don't like museums, walking around looking at art work just doesn't do anything for me. I always am confused on what is determined to be art, like this big plastic rat that they had on display. I totally didn't get it. The theme was Afro-Caribbean music, so there were a couple different bands playing and people were dancing. I was happy that I went, but I don't know if its totally my scene, but I did spy a cute boy there. I learned that I still don't like museums and that's probably never going to change. I also learned that I still appear attractive to men despite this massive weight gain.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Three: Push Yourself

I was down today. A lot of feelings have been kicked up for my this week and I am just learning how to identify them. I didn't want to do much of anything but I decided to ride the park again this morning and push myself to go to yoga and Pilate's even though all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I made it to the classes and even though I was falling asleep in yoga I was able to get though it and I felt better physically afterwards. I have noticed that I get down before I have speaking engagements, I'm always hoping that I do a good job and pass on a message of hope. I learned that I get anxious about putting myself out there and I also learned that I can go to my classes if I just make my feet move.

Day One Hundred and Twenty Two: Oh hills

Today I decided to bike Prospect Park, oh man, there is a killer hill and my bike only goes one speed. I was dying trying to push myself up that never ending hill, which I must admit I walked up the last part. I am so happy that I actually got up this morning and started my day the way I had planned. I am so happy to be able to bike that park and get some exercise and some fresh air all at the same time. My thighs are just not quite ready for the hill yet, but I will definitely continue to build up my strength. I learned that the park is no joke and it definitely feels like a hardcore workout. I also learned that I want to work up to biking the park twice in the morning.

Day One Hundred and Twenty One: Aquasize

This was my last day in the Poconos and I took an aqua aerobics class. It was the cutest thing ever, it was me and a bunch of older ladies. The instructor was 82 years old and so funny and cute. I really loved this experience. It reminded me of what it must be like to live in a retirement community in Florida. The workout also surprised me because when I got out of the pool my thighs were burning. I learned that I've found another workout that could work for me. I also learned that I love older women, they bring me joy through watching their conversations and seeing their outlook on life.

Day One Hundred and Twenty: I'm a writer

I finally read the first chapter of The Artists Way. I've had the book for years but never have been able to follow through with doing the assignments. I've been doing my morning pages but that's it. I went on the artist date with myself and played some computer games. I also looked at the part of pretending you are another person and I chose to be a writer for this week. I was able to revise an entire chapter for my memoir and I think it came out good. I learned that I can get a lot of work done with my writing once I set my mind to it. I also learned that revising doesn't have to be as bad as my mind thinks it is.

Day One Hundred and Nineteen: Road Trip

Kisha invited me to a retreat from the city in the Poconos. This was my first time going alone on a trip and it brought up lots of memories for me. Driving through Jersey still makes me sad, because I remember being married and the times we spent together. I realized I've never gone anywhere by myself in terms of driving. I got lost on the way and was getting really anxious. Although I was grateful to have a place to escape to, I realized that I need to be around noise consistently. I learned that its hard for me to function in peace and quiet. I also learned that I still miss being married and having the consistent support of another person by my side. I learned that I can travel by myself, its just something that I still have to get accustomed to.