Day One Hundred and Seventy Seven: Chill Out

Today I had a chill out day, I went to work and to my outpatient group, but after that I didn't feel like working out so I ditched out on doing yoga and running on the elliptical. My body really needed a break. I watched the 2 hour premiere of Grey's Anatomy instead. I ate some pasta and fish and passed out in my comfy bed. I am learning that its okay to take a day off from working out every once in a while and that the world isn't going to end just because I don't work out. I also am continuously learning that I am extremely hard on myself and that I need to give myself a break. At least I am recognizing these patterns so that suggests progress to me.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Six: Determined

I am seriously determined to lose this weight, but I am always craving sugar. I have began to manage my pita chip addiction so I'm not eating a whole bag a night, just 7-10 chips which is about one serving. I am following the diet that my nutritionist set up and following the exercise plan, but I'm am pissed because I forgot to wear my activity monitor which measures my movement when I was doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes. I am tired of being in the recovery program and I am trying to just get through it, practicing one day at a time. I am tired. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to even if it is not enjoyable for me. I've also been learning that I wish life were different.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Five: 6 months

Today I reached my 6 month of being clean. I thought I would feel differently, more excited. In the beginning I was really motivated to get me key tags but everything around me thus far has felt like blah. I'm in a totally depressive state of mind. Lately I haven't been craving drugs and alcohol, but I know that there is a piece of me that still wants to drink. I went to a new meeting last night  with a lot of newcomers, but that still didn't deter my thoughts of being over the program. I think I am just drained from all the changes I am making in my life. I will just continue to operate on the one day at a time plan. I also think I am still grieving my divorce. September is a really hard month for me since that was when everything went down between me and my ex. I learned that I am getting more annoyed by the program on a daily basis and I've lost my will to want to keep doing this. I also learned that even though I don't completely recognize how hard I'm working I am still reaching milestones. I am going to try to practice positive thinking today.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Four: Elliptical Hell

So I've started this new diet, as suggested by my nutritionist, I hope that it works. I have to make major changes like no salt, no shellfish, no coconut products. She also advised me to run on the elliptical machine 45 minutes a day 4-5 times a week, which is fine, but I ran today and it felt like forever. I just want to see some changes, even if they are a pound or two here and there. I will fit back into my clothes by the end of next year. Of course I wish that it was sooner but I have to realize that its going to take some time. That elliptical machine was kicking my ass. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to, but that 45 minutes was long. I also learned that I can follow this plan for a while and see how it works and not make it a lifetime commitment like I tend to do in my head.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Three: Productive

I was extremely productive this weekend. I cleaned my entire apartment, I even washed the dishes which I can't stand doing. I did my laundry, paid my bills, went to the grocery store, and cooked up a bunch of food for the week. But alas I still didn't have any fun. Life has become totally monotonous for me. I wish I had some money so that I could run away and live abroad for awhile. I need to figure out what is fun for me, since my old fun activities don't feel fun for me anymore. I learned that I need to definitely have more fun in my life, even though it is good to come home to a clean house it's not the only thing that's going to drive me in life.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Two; Overwhelmed

I went to see a nutritionist today and basically she told me I was going to have to change my entire diet, which is just another stressor for me since I'm going through so many life changes right now. I'm in a recovery program, I just started a new job in a new industry, and now I can't enjoy food the way that I would like to. I really used to love eating and now it just feels like something that I just do, because I have to do it. I'm not having any fun in my life right now. I had a massive crying attack after I left the appointment. I am just a little depressed now, but at least now I can recognize that feeling. I learned that all these changes are making me hate my life right now, but that its okay to feel that way because hopefully the feelings will pass.

Day One Hundred and Seventy One: Identifying

Today I went to support one of my people from my outpatient group by hearing her qualify. It was so interesting because I didn't know that we had so much in common. I even fellowshiped after the meeting, which I never do. I really felt at home with the people. I'm supposed to speak on Friday and of course I'm super nervous. I learned that looks can be deceiving and that many people go through similar situations as you and you can never tell by looking at the outside. I also learned that sharing our experiences brings people closer together.

Day One Hundred and Seventy: Finally Some Work

My first week at work is almost over and I finally got some busy work, through typing up documents for some of the lawyers, man it's hard to read their handwriting sometimes, but I was so happy to be given something to do because siting around all day makes the time go really slowly. I need more projects and the more they get comfortable with me the more stuff they will give me to do I hope. I just don't know how to deal with down time. On a brighter note my brother called me on his own accord just to check up and see how I was doing. Its so weird to think about him being my little brother when he's now 28 years old. It feels weird to be struggling in my life as his big sister I don't know if I set a good example of what to strive to. Overall it was nice to talk to him. I learned that I don't feel good about myself in terms of how others see me, but I know its all in my head. I also learned that I want more work to do, that I have to consistently stay busy, because boredom makes me want to drift off into la-la-land. If I'm not busy I want to take advantage of the lull time by making it more interesting usually through the use of illegal materials.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Nine: Scam

So I told my parents about the personal assistant job and my mom was convinced it was a scam and she didn't want me to act on it. She called me at 7 in the morning to tell me not to go through with the job and she had a bad feeling in her gut. I had no feeling, which continues to inform me on how I never see red flags. I think I wanted it to be a real offer because I'm struggling to save right now. I believed her after she sent me some information about internet scams and I told the guy I couldn't work for him. I felt really sad and bad, because I hate not being able to follow through with my word, which is something I'm consistently working on, is letting go of the guilt when I am making positive decisions for myself. I was really down the rest of the day since I felt like I was so naive and don't make good decisions. I learned that most of the time that I am still to hard on myself and I need to give myself a break from time to time. I also learned that its okay to believe my mother even though I think she gets nervous about everything, she usually does know what she's talking about

Day One Hundred and Sixty Eight: Another Job

So today I got an email from an individual that I had applied for a personal assistant position with. I am very excited to do this job since it will provide me with extra money that I can put directly into my savings. I really want to bring my credit card balances down, pay off my medical bills, and lawyer fees, and take the cats to the doctor which is long overdo. I need to focus on balancing my budget and planning for the next year. I'm trying to practice this concept of having faith that my Higher Power will provided for me and that if I continue to be productive good things will come my way, but I still struggle with that every now and again. Believing in something invisible is not a tangible idea for me for some reason. I learned that I am definitely more responsible these days, but I still have a little trouble with balancing my budget. I am learning how important it is for me to plan my weeks out, but hopefully everything will work itself out.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Seven; First Day

Today was my first day working at the law firm. Everyone is really nice and I think I can handle the job. Its so weird to be in a new environment and this is my first job in New York City where I've been clean. I did want to drink though after the first couple of hours. Time moves really slowly when you're not busy and I'm so used to being in jobs where I was constantly moving so this is really different for me. I am trying to stay open minded but that feeling of needing more money is starting to creep up on me. I know I should be taking things slowly, but I'm always thinking about the future. I learned that I need to take one day at a time and not be in any rush to get a second job already. I also learned that admin work is pretty boring unless you have a project that you are working on.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Six: Romeo and Juliet

Kisha received some tickets to see Romeo and Juliet and I got to tag along. I'm not really a big Shakespeare fan, but I know that show pretty well so it wasn't too hard to keep up. It was okay for me, but I don't believe in these over dramatic love stories. I just can't wrap my head around it. I don't get the feeling that you could meet someone and instantly fall head over heels in love with them to the point that you are willing to die for them. It's just too much. Kisha enjoyed the show she said it was one of the best adaptations that she has seen. I just hated the premise as per usual. I learned that I really hate love stories, which is probably why I hate romantic comedies. I also learned that I am really cynical when it comes to relationships and dealing with love, and that I've felt this way for a really long time, but my divorce clearly pushed me that way even more so.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Five: Kisha's Birthday

Today was Kisha's birthday party and she had a wine and chocolate tasting where she did all this research about which wines would bring out the essence of the chocolate. Of course I couldn't participate so I had sparkling water instead of wine, which didn't suck too bad. However they did have a Moscato there and I ended up smelling the bottle. Kisha only chose red wines, since she knew I was not a red wine drinker. There are times that I still think I can drink, but then I wonder if it will lead to other things. My counselors are convinced that it will and that I have no control. I just want to feel normal sometimes. We later went to a bar where they were playing Haitian music for the majority of the time. I couldn't take it anymore so I cut out early but Kisha was having a good time so that was the only thing that mattered. I learned that I am getting more comfortable in just drinking water, but I still feel like I'm missing out on all the fun. I also learned that I have deep seated issues with not feeling a part of the crowd.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Four: Friday the Thirteenth

I love Friday the Thirteenth. Every time  it rolls around people act like its such a bad luck kind of mood, but I totally embrace it. I found out that I got a personal assistant job on the side that I think I can balance with my 9-5.  I broke my plan to not attend any meetings this week, by going to my Friday morning home group, because I didn't want them to think that I was on the run. It was good to see people. but I'm still as confused as ever about my status. I just can't seem to except the fact that I have to surrender to the program. I learned that I hate rules and the same lesson that I've been learning through this process is that I am just rebellious. I really have a problem with authority and I've been that way for a very long time and I kind of don't want to change it.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Three: Clothes Shoping

Since I recently obtained a professional job I realize that I have no clothes in my closet, at least none that fit me. I hate clothes shopping now that I am at this larger size. I still have not gotten completely used to it yet, but regardless I'm coping the best way that I know how to. I lucked out because I have no extra money to spend but I have tons of Target gift cards and I found some great looking work clothes there. Who knew? But also another reason to watch myself because Target is the devil for me. I can't go in there without buying something. I learned that once again Target has come to my rescue. I also learned that I really have to watch my spending more since I need new clothes for the winter if I don't drop some of this weight.

Day One Hundred and Sixty Two: I Got the Job

I found out today that I got the job at the law firm and I didn't know how to feel about that. I really like the place and I will start on Monday. I can't believe that I'm going to be working so soon, but that's what I wanted. I'm a little nervous but I know I can do this job. It's a start and it will definitely give me a some experience in the administrative assistant world. I am happy that I found a job so now I can really start saving some money. I got another job offer and I am hoping that I can do both of them. That would really help with my saving. I learned that some of my wishes are coming true and I am learning that I can save some money and have a little cushion so that I feel that I can live the lifestyle that I want. Hopefully everything will work itself out in time.

Day One Hundred and Sixty One: Queens

I continued on my job interview process today. I had an interview all the way out in Queens and that commute was horrendous. There were a lot of people there and I felt like it was a waste of time. The work was for an insurance company and even though the pay was good it still didn't fit my style. I've decided that I want to work somewhere where I don't regret going to work everyday and corporate may not be the place for me. That commute was just another reason for me to hate Queens. After living there I never wanted to return to Queens again. I learned that it's okay for me to not want to work in a particular area and that it's okay for me to say no.

Day One Hundred and Sixty: Job Interview

I just started applying for jobs last week and I had my first interview at a law office. I really liked the people who worked there and this would be a great opportunity to get my feet wet in a new industry. I was really anxious about going, because I hadn't been on an interview in this industry before and I really am pulling away from acting so that I can survive in NYC.  I was so anxious to the point that I was crying before my interview. My mother helped me breathe before I had to go in and I got some confidence in selling myself. It wasn't as bad as I pictured it to be and I really got through it. I learned that my anxiety really has me over the edge and I don't know how to control it. I'm so used to getting away from my feelings that dealing with them is really scary. I learned that I can survive and push through and things will be not as bad as I think they are in my head.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Nine:Over Extended

Today I really pushed myself today. I went to the morning meeting and biked to the meeting, to my dance class, and to yoga. I really want to lose this weight so I'm trying my hardest to make sure that I exercise. I also want to ride my bike before winter comes, since I won't be able to bike anymore because I hate the cold. I know I am over extending my body, but I am really trying to push myself. I learned that I could do all these exercises and still cross that bridge. I also learned that I am sick of going to meetings and I've decided to take the next week off from them. I want to make sure that I'm really missing them and that I need them in my life. I'm still quite unsure of how I'm living my life at times

Day One Hundred and Fifty Eight: Pregnant Women Everywhere

I went to yoga today and another one of my yoga teachers is pregnant. That is the third teacher this year and it's really got me thinking about how I would have hoped to have been pregnant at this time in my life. It makes me feel sad because I never pictured having a baby with anyone but my ex husband and now that we are no longer together I have a hard time envisioning myself in another relationship. I know that everything happens for whatever reason its supposed to but I am still in fear that my opportunity to have a family is gone. I am still not done mourning the loss of my previous life, the support, security, and the faith that someone would love me until the day I died. Hopefully I will find that again. I learned that I miss my old life and the dreams that will no longer happen with him haunt me. I also learned that I am jealous when I see pregnant women with wedding rings because I am reminded that I don't have that anymore. However I'm still trying to have some faith that it will happen for me at some point, but that shit is really hard.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Seven: Me Time

Today I had no restraints so I got up early and biked into the city, had a great tasty waffle, got my nails done, went to yoga and pilates, and saw the movie Blue Jasmine which was really good. I am so happy that I do have this time off to discover myself and treat myself to things. I stay so busy even though I'm not working a steady job as of yet. I wish that I could get more voice over gigs. since that is what I really want to do with my life. If I could have my dreams come true I would be doing cartoon voice overs and writing. I hope that I can get to that place in my career and I think that I would truly be happy to get up and go to work, instead of going to work just to survive. I learned that my ideas about what I really want are starting to compose themselves in my thoughts. I also learned that I know what I want.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Six:Duped

Today I thought I would be interviewing for a job at a law office and it turned out to be a temp agency. I felt duped by the job posting. The people at the agency were telling me jobs were paying like $10 an hour and of course I really got upset. It made me feel like I should just go back to waiting tables since I knew I could make more money that way, even though its a dangerous environment for me to be in. I just want to have one job, not have to get two to support myself. I remember working 3 jobs at a time and how exhausted I was with life, because I had no time to enjoy it. I know the right job will come for me, so I just have to stay focused on what I want and not just saying yes to everything because it's an opportunity. I learned that the pay rate for office jobs may not be the best, but that I can say no to positions that don't satisfy me. I also learned to write out what I want and don't want in a position and that just like employers are interviewing me, I am interviewing them as well.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Five: My Ideal

I applied for my ideal job today and I am praying that I get an interview, followed by getting the job. Its a personal assistant job for an elderly gentlemen that includes normal house duties along with taking him on walks, helping him with exercise, and managing business affairs. I really want this job. I think I would be perfect at it. My counselor reminded me today that I am interviewing the people just like they are interviewing me. I still have issues with saying no to job situations. Once I say I'm going to do something I try to stick to it, even when I'm miserable in the situation. I learned that I don't have to stay in miserable situations and that I have choices. I just hope I find a job soon because I really could stand the extra money. I also learned what I want to do and what I don't want to do job wise.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Four: Early Riser

I got up at 5am and went to a 7:30 yoga class. It feels good to start my day off so early since I have more time free by the afternoon, to do whatever I want. I am starting the process of looking for a job, so I worked on my resume and applied for a bunch of executive assistant positions. I am nervous about finding a job, because one I want immediate gratification and two I'm entering a totally new industry that I know I am capable of , but at the same time I haven't worked in before. I just can't return to working in bars and restaurants because that is a dangerous environment for me. I was stressing about applying but once I got past the first job applying became easier. I learned that I can write bomb ass cover letters. I also learned that if I just do the legwork without getting stressed about it I can get my tasks accomplished.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Three: Exercise Overload

Today was a holiday and The West Indian Parade was down the block. I hate that parade since it blocks off all the streets that I need to take home. I decided to ride my bike to the city and do yoga and pilates on the Upper West Side. I made it even though it was raining pretty much the entire ride home, which was scary since my hands kept slipping on the handle bars. I'm getting really good with biking the city and know how to be more aggressive riding with the cars, especially the taxi cabs. I came home and took the rest of the day off and watched some movies. I didn't go to a meeting and I was so happy, sometimes I need a day off from the meetings. I learned that I could bike in the rain. I also learned that I am becoming an avid biker of New York City.

Day One Hundred and Fifty Two:Bad Ass in Boots

Today I went to my dance class and our assignment was Bad Ass in Boots and I wore my motorcycle boots and had an exceptional time. My erotic creature felt grounded and naughty. I have such a good time in my dance class, even though I still need to hit the gym. I was really antsy and the dance class wore me out. I still can't do the same amount of tricks that I used to be able to do, but I was able to finally do this move where you're upside down and pushing away from the pole using all your upper arm and core strength. I can't wait until I lose some weight so I can get bolder with my tricks. I learned that I can cure my antsyness with slowing down in dance class. I also learned that I could hold my weight up on the pole. Overall I'm still working hard to enjoy this part of my exercise routine.