Day Ninety:Blindfold Dance

Today was my favorite time of the week, which is going to my pole dancing class. Its the one thing I do for myself which has nothing to do with recovery. The assignment was to dance blindfolded and it was such a freeing experience. I became totally unselfconscious about my movement and was able to just let go, to the point that it made my teacher emotional. We did the entire class blindfolded and I loved it, I may add that to my repertoire. I just want to dance some more so I've decided to dance for myself at least twice a week so that I can continue to embrace my body. I learned that being in the dark and just letting go can be extremely freeing. I also learned that I can be sexy with this new body that I have. Day by day I am getting more comfortable with myself.

Day Eighty Nine; End of my class

Today was the last day of my writing class and I'm sad that its over, but today she gave me a writing assignment to make an old paragraph more poetic and I was able to do that. I've decided I need to join a writing group so that I can focus on getting more work done. Otherwise I won't do anything. Yesterday I was dropped by my legit agency and I've never felt better. I felt like they didn't really get me and now I feel free, even though my main track is not focused on acting at this moment. I was rejected, but for the first time in life I was grateful for this rejection because for some reason I feel like my life will be better without them. Today feels like the end of an era, and the beginning of some great possibilities. I am happy with where I'm at in terms of what I want to continue to work on artistically. I learned that sometimes breaking up can be the best thing for you. I also learned that its not the end of the world to be dumped, it really can be looked at as a new door opening that might lead you down a path that you never would have seen before.

Day Eighty Eight: Missing my Friends

I've really been missing my friends lately, we haven't all chilled out in a really long time. I had a good cry fest with my mom last night and was telling her that all these changes I'm making and that are going on in my life are scaring me. Its nice to be completely honest about what I'm feeling from time to time. So today I gave myself a little dose of friend medicine and went to visit Kisha and Keyanna at the preschool. They were swamped with work, but it was great to even catch up for 10 minutes. We will definitely have a girls date at some  point this upcoming week. I miss the days of our monthly dates, when life felt so care free and I was still drinking and getting high. I have to stop romancing the good times of getting high if I want to continue to live clean. I've learned that I need some more girl time in my life and that I really have to work to continue these relationships. I am grateful for those I do have in my life.

Day Eighty Seven: Lazy Town

I gave myself permission to sleep in today, oh to wake up at 9 am versus 6 seems so nice. I wanted a lazy day to myself. I went to counseling and did my triple work out and treated myself to a iced green tea. I know its not that cool of a treat but I was definitely happy. After counseling I decided to get back on my meds, since she could see the difference in me as well. I came home and fell out after all that moving and shaking. I learned that I need to give myself more lazy days while I can before I re-enter the workforce. I deserve to have some time to myself. I learned that its okay to catch up on some extra rest and that if I were in Spain I would be having siesta. I learned that I need to continue to work on myself with the help of suggestions from others.

Day Eighty Six: Now I'm a Doctor

My weight gain has been driving me insane and I blame my psych medications. I decided that I was not going to take them anymore for the past three days. I just went cold turkey and out of my mind at the same time. I ended up having a full on meltdown on 23rd street where I was crying uncontrollably. I totally see the difference on and off my meds, but I still don't want to be on them even though with them I am much more balanced. I was so used to self medicating my mental illness that this new process of working with doctor approved meds feels foreign to me. I have declared myself a doctor since I'm fucking with my prescriptions. I have learned how really off my rocker I can get when I'm not on my medication. I learned that I really need to be on them during this time in my life. I hope that maybe someday I can get off them, but today just isn't that day.

Day Eighty Five: And it Begins

Now that my ankles are almost back to their regular usage I am back on my exercise plan. Today I ran on the elliptical for 30 minutes, went to Pilate's, and then went to yoga. Three times a day I am back on the exercise since I've been eating like a pig late at night. I really have to push myself to keep exercising but reminding myself to be careful so that I don't re injure my ankles. I learned that I clearly have body dysmorphic disorder and I totally need help with working on that. No matter what I do I feel like I'm just getting fatter and fatter and its kicking up my depression. I hate to be so vain, but I don't feel like I'm living in my body. There are certain days where I'd rather be insane and skinny vs. happy and fat. I learned that I need to continue to push myself but I need help from outside sources and it's okay to ask for help when you need it.

Day Eighty Four: Grocery Run

I really love going to the grocery store, probably because that means my refrigerator will be fully stocked after I make that run. Since my counseling appointment was put on hold, I decided to make due with the extra time and get some things accomplished. Walking through the aisles I always have cravings even when I'm not hungry. The grocery store is a trigger for my fatty gene, where I buy massive amounts of pita chips. I don't know how to stop buying those addictive little snack. I've been trying to be good about my eating but it just hasn't been happening since I keep sleep eating. I don't know what that is about. I learned that I'm always going to love food, but I need to really watch my munching.

Day Eighty Three: Sleepover

My beautiful happy birthday boyfriend and I had a sleepover, where all he did was sleep the whole night through, but when he woke up this morning he had a smile on his face. Of course I got a kick from him asking me for pizza for breakfast, he's such a trip, that's why I love him so much. We went to a meeting where he was romancing all the ladies, he is so irresistible. We went to the park and played hide and seek, and he pretended he was a magician taking a bird out of his hat. I could spend my life with this little boy. I get so much joy from the time we can spend together. I am truly grateful to have him and his sisters in my life. I learned that its the small things that really make me day. I don't want kids yet, but its nice to feel like I have them sometimes.

Day Eighty Two: I made it

I am 90 days clean and sober, I never thought I was going to get here. Its definitely been an uphill battle. I woke up and put on a dress and heels so that I could match my outsides with how my insides feel. I just never thought this day would come and now I don't know what to do with myself. I have learned so much about patience through this process of recovery. I definitely am not excited about the next chapter because it means more work, but I learned that if I put my mind to it I can accomplish some goals. I am positively beaming today and my joy is being felt by anyone I encounter.

Day Eighty One: Solstice in Times Square

Today I participated in the summer solstice in times square, where you can do yoga in the middle of times square. It was very interesting seeing all the people come out to do yoga, but it wasn't as serene as I like my yoga to be. The microphone system was acting up and there was construction going on behind us, but I still tried to concentrate. I've been wanting to do this for two years and today I was a little disappointed. I thought it would be cool, but it really wasn't. I would have rathered to go to my regular class in a quiet studio that probably would have been more of a workout, but I'm working on trying new things so I stayed throughout the class. I learned that having high expectations can sometimes lead to disappointment. I also learned that I could concentrate in the middle of times square, no easy feat. I guess I just would have preferred a different teacher, too much spirituality not enough movement for my personal taste, but its all good I won't always get me way. Lesson learned

Day Eighty: Chavelas

After attending a meeting last night my tummy was grumbling for one of my favorite restaurants Chavela's  in Brooklyn. They make such amazing sangria, even though I can't touch the stuff. I thought I could sit down in the restaurant, but so many people were drinking I think it would have been too much temptation. Just a couple of months ago I would have taken the risk, but now I really don't want to put myself in any sticky situations. Its funny how a little time clean can change my way of thinking. I am definitely feeling a little different in my outlook on life. I'm not completely gung ho, but I am recognizing my blessings. I learned that if I take a step back before making a decision I usually make better choices. I also learned to listen to my heart and not my head because that can be a very confusing place for me.

Day Seventy Nine: Pamper me day

I decided that I needed a pamper me day. I got a manicure, pedicure, and a bikini wax. I love stepping out of the salon and feeling so clean and pretty. It definitely made me feel better about my body, even though I'm still obsessed with my weight. There is this great place in Manhattan that gives you a deal of $21 for mani/pedi. The girl who does my nails is a real gem. It finally didn't rain and I looked extremely pretty in my mind. Sometimes a girl just needs some good treatment from others to help brighten her mood. I learned that I need to do more nice things for myself and that I'm lucky that I can take time to do that.

Day Seventy Eight: Budgeting

I had to put my big girl panties on today. My funds are getting low and I definitely have to budget better. I can't just go around placing my bank card down, I really have to balance my checkbook. However at the end of the day I have been doing a good job of paying my bills on time. I finally  opened my mail after three weeks of not looking at it, following my out of sight out of mind mantra just isn't working anymore. I was able to decide what I could afford and what needed to be put on hold at this time. Its funny because I learned about balancing my checkbook in the fourth grade, yet those skills have been under utilized. I learned that if I just stop procrastinating I can get on top of things. I also learned that bills aren't the enemy but just a way of living life on life's terms. I will be opening my mail from now on.

Day Seventy Seven: Battling Depression

I am still totally insecure about what others think of me. I know that I shouldn't give others so much power, but I just haven't reached that stage in my development yet. When I'm sharing in meetings I think people hate me, but I still share because I have to voice my feelings. I had a little tiff with my friend the day before and I could tell that it was still bothering me. It reminded me of how I feel like I can't do anything right and I suck when it comes to relationships. I haven't been able to call some of my friends because it's been so long and I feel embarrassed. I learned that self esteem takes time to develop but as long as I recognize when these thoughts occur and bring me down I can take a step back and question why I am taking things so personally. I am learning to recognize my behaviors that don't serve a purpose. Hey its definitely a step in the right direction.

Day Seventy Six: Dancing and Yoga

I finally feel like my flow of exercising is coming back. In pole dancing class I played with stripping off layers of clothing while I danced and it really did give me something. I am learning how to loosen up through this experience however I'm still self conscious about my body. My body feels heavy when I'm trying to climb the pole and go upside down. I'm still out of shape, but I'm working on it. After my dance class I went to yoga and I'm almost able to balance again. Exercising in this way doesn't feel like I'm doing too much. I have been watching myself, since exercise is just another addiction for me, since I can be so controlling about my weight. I've learned to embrace where I'm at even though I haven't seen any end results, but I know this can work itself out with time. I am learning how to be more patient.

Day Seventy Five: Private Lessons

I went to my writing class and only 3 of us were present, which was kind of cool since it allowed us to get individual help with our assignments. I was able to put a timeline together and put my memoir together through life lessons. I felt very successful with my vision and hopefully all of it will work out. Writing is harder than I thought, I consistently find myself having writer's block. I never felt that way when I was getting high, the words just seemed to spew out of my mind and on to the page. I learned that my higher power has been providing me with many lessons through this experience. I've also learned that I could possibly be a professional writer if I keep moving in this direction.

Day Seventy Four: Movie night

One of my friends from the program came over and we watched a movie. I miss just hanging out with my friends and doing simple things, like watching TV. The movie was okay, I think I fell asleep a little bit. I was talking and walking in my sleep again. Its so weird, this whole thing of sleep eating and walking. I talked to my therapist about this, but still haven't gained any insight. I learned that I can have simple nights and still have a good time. I also learned that its great to have friends who truly understand you.

Day Seventy Three: Date with Isa

I got to see my baby today. He was so good, he came with me to the doctor and we played the entire afternoon. I love spending time with him, it's like being a mom without having to go through the transformation of pregnancy. I love love love him. I even don't smoke a lot when I'm around him.  I have learned that spending time with a baby really brightens up my life. I have also learned how much I appreciate his mother for letting him play such a big part in my life.

Day Seventy Two: Doubling Up

Yay, it finally happened, I lost 5 pounds. I stopped doing that crazy diet and went back to being vegan and I think its working. Today I went to Pilate's and to yoga again and I finally think I can get my body back. I know it's not going to come off easy but just losing that little bit has got my engine going. Pilate's was hard as usual but I totally want to strengthen my core so I can get rid of my poochie belly. Yoga helps me mentally and physically and I can feel serene and lengthened afterwards. I learned that I can exercise without being high and still feel connected to the spiritual side of yoga. I learned that if I just keep working at it the pounds will start to come off. Once I stopped stressing about eating I think my body can now respond in a more positive light. I am happy today, hopefully I will be able to fit into my clothes again. I'm aiming for the end of the year this time instead of the end of the month. I finally have come to accept where I am.

Day Seventy One: Good Eats

Today I was back on the exercise train, I did yoga and then followed it up with Pilate's. My ankles are finally at a point where I can do some positions, but not all of them. I have to remember to pace myself so that I don't injure myself more so. I don't want to be cut off from exercising ever again. This weight gain has made me crazy. I went to the grocery store today and came home and cooked a couple of meals for the week and I cleaned up the kitchen. Today I had an awesome quinoa burger with a pineapple slice on it and I made sweet corn and okra for my starch and veggies. I love the grocery store because I always eat good for the first couple of days after I've come back. I learned that if I cook and clean while cooking it will all get done and I can relax afterward. I also learned that I do love cooking for others as long as its on my terms, as in no expectations. I will strive to getting back in the kitchen on a weekly basis.

Day Seventy: Voice over

I really love doing voice overs. I got a last minute call to come record a spot and I didn't even have to audition. Thanks to my higher power things are really falling in line with this process. I would love to get on a cartoon and do that for the rest of my life. I did find myself being a little self conscious because I always want to do what the client wants immediately, but I have to remember they picked me for some reason and that they already have faith in my ability otherwise they wouldn't have offered me the job. I think I've found my niche. I hope so at least. I learned that I am truly grateful for these opportunities and that I can still have a career in acting without having to do it from the front lines. I learned that I like to continue to be hidden and that it's  good for me to acknowledge where I'm at. I just have to put a demo tape together and continue to have faith that my dream may come true someday.

Day Sixty Nine: Sharing

I had to share at an NA meeting today and I felt totally uncomfortable. It's really hard to stand up in front of a group of people and tell them where you are at in your process. I found myself being very self conscious about what I was talking about, but after the meeting a lot of women came up to me and gave me their phone numbers. I just wish I could reach out more, but more and more each day I realize that I am a loner. I like to work things out on my own and asking others for help is hard for me. I am scared to get 90 days because that's when people start asking you to share your experience, strength, and hope. I sometimes think that my experience will not help anyone. However, through the process of sharing in front of the room I did find others that related to my struggles. I learned that its okay to be nervous about standing up in front of people and revealing my thoughts and that the comfort ability will hopefully come in time.

Day Sixty Eight: Doubts

Today I went to my writing class and had a piece reviewed. I get so scared that I am not a good writer or that my pieces won't relate to others. I read others work and get jealous and intimidated that I'm not good enough. Being good enough is one of those qualities that continues to beat up my self esteem. Through this process I've been feeling better about myself, but I continue to have doubts, which I think is pretty normal. I've learned that this is one of my character defects, this need to be the best or be perfect. I've been striving for perfection my entire life, even though I know there is no such thing as perfect. I've learned that I need to give myself a break and realize that life is just a learning process and I'm not always going to confident, but if I continue to work on myself the confidence in my gifts will come.

Day Sixty Seven: Revealing myself

I had a conversation with a friend who is in the program with me about my causes of depression. I was able to be completely honest about my life and let them know some of my deepest secrets about things that had happened to me. I didn't cry, but just talked about some major things that had happened in my life. What gave me hope was  that as I told them about certain things they fully listened to me without judgment and offered me a hug. I felt welcomed by this person. I learned that it can be life changing to share your secrets, especially when you get support. I learned that I don't have to keep my walls up all the time and that I am slowly learning to trust others. I hope to continue on this path in all my relationships.

Day Sixty Six: Lunch with Shayna

I always enjoy seeing Shayna, she always brightens my day. We had lunch at Westville, where I love their sweet potato fries, which are never greasy. We got to talk about what was going on in acting class and other things going on in our lives. I am really starting to feel like I'm getting more comfortable in my body and with my friends without the use of drugs. This current day felt a little easier dealing with others than previous days where trying to have a conversation was straining for me. I really am enjoying learning about myself and that I know I will always have support from my friends. I learned that I can live a life without drugs as long as I stay on my psychiatric medication. I also learned that I am grateful for the friends that have stuck by me during this trying time in my life.

Day Sixty Five: Yoga and the Gym

My quest to lose weight has gotten a leg up. My ankles are not completely better yet but they are doing well enough that I could go to the gym and to yoga class on the same day. I have to remember to not overdo it since that's what landed me in the injured zone in the first place. I haven't seen results as of yet but I will try to continue to workout five days a week, no doubles of yoga, and no stressing by weighing myself everyday. I really do suffer from body dysmorphia. I have to continue to do my affirmations where I accept myself where I'm at in this present moment. I have given myself to the end of the year versus the end of the month to fit back into my clothing. I learned that I have to pace myself when it comes to exercise because I can be a little anorexic in that department. I also learned that I can't put my weight over my recovery.

Day Sixty Four: Cornstarch Really

I'm dying from the heat rash that has encompassed my entire body. I love summertime weather but it does not love me. I am allergic to the sun, which really sucks when its so hot outside and I have to try to stay covered up. Today I was itching up a storm from the heat rash and the bug bites all over my body. I was informed today that cornstarch would help with the itching. So I slathered my body in cornstarch and I'm hoping that it works. I'm still going to have to take some Benadryl so I can get  some rest without being annoyed with the itching. Today I learned another home remedy with the cornstarch. Hopefully all this itching will subside soon.

Day Sixty Three: Oh Chavelas

Chavelas used to be one of my favorite places to eat and drink. I was craving their beans and rice and Camarones alla Mexicana. However I wasn't ready to eat there yet. The call of the bar was too strong. I would drink pitchers of Sangria all by myself in the past, but now having 70 days clean I have to be aware of which battles I pick. I decided I could have the food as long as I picked it up instead of eating in the restaurant. My memories served me correctly, the food was excellent and I didn't put my self at risk. I am learning that I can make positive choices especially when I choose to continue to listen to my best self. I am learning to recognize what thoughts are the next best choice for me.

Day Sixty Two: New Chapter

I finished another chapter in my memoir for writing class. I also developed the timeline for what stories I wanted to include. Now I have an outline for my writing. I never thought I would get to this point. I feel more organized in my thought process and I never knew that I would be able to do this clean and sober. I've been on a roll today. I really lucked out because only 3 of us showed up to class which allowed us to have more individual time with the teacher. I am learning to count my blessings. Each day has made me more grateful and I feel my self esteem improving. I am so happy that I am getting to this place in my life. I think I am finding out what I want out of life. I learned that if I continue to take one day at a time more will be revealed to me.

Day Sixty One: Baby Date

I always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I used to believe that my children would never look up to me because I hadn't been successful in certain areas of my life. But after spending time with my nephew I realized that I would be a good mother. We went to Central Park to the playground and the zoo. Zipping him around the city was so fun. I am so happy that we have such a great relationship. We came home and he played with the cats. I have such a good time when I'm around him. I have been in such a positive mood whenever he is around me, even my psychiatrist said we had a great relationship. I learned that no matter what you do your children will admire you, because you are there for them. I learned that maybe one day when I'm ready I'll have a baby and won't be so concerned about how they see me but the fact that I will always be there for them.