Day One Hundred and Eighteen: My New Bike

Since I got a chance to reconnect at brunch I learned that my friend was selling her bike. It's a cruiser, just what I've always wanted. I am excited to start biking the park. It is a great way for me to exercise without doing damage to my ankles. I tried to fit the bike in my car today, however it wouldn't fit so I'm going to pick it up tomorrow and bike it home. I am going to have such good times on the bike. I learned that everything happens for a reason (i.e brunch led to my bike). I can't wait to decorate it with Hello Kitty stickers. The bike is so perfect it even has a basket. I learned that good things come to those who wait. I also learned that its the simplest things in life that can brighten your day.

Day One Hundred and Seventeen: Tribeca Renuion

I was so nervous about going to this brunch with my old coworkers, because I felt that I am in such a weird place in my life and I don't feel comfortable in my body still. However when I got there it was so great to see everyone and catch up. I really connected with my friends again and it was nice to just relax and share where I'm at with my life and for my friends to have no judgments against me. I am so happy that we are going to connect more in the future. We are all growing up and growing at the same time. I am so thrilled that everyone is in a happy place in their lives, even if I'm not. I learned that it is good to face your fears, because you never know what the results may be. I also learned that I really need to do a better job with connecting with positive people in my life. I hope that we continue to connect on a more consistent basis.

Day One Hundred and Sixteen: Pole Camp

Holy Shit I had a workout today. I started Pole Camp today, which is kind of like boot camp in terms of pole dancing. We learned all kinds of new combinations and my body is tired. I sometimes forget how much upper body strength is needed for pole dancing. It is much harder now that I am trying to pick up so much weight. My body is definitely heavier. It makes me miss my old body so much and how much freer I felt on the pole before I gained all this weight. Either way I still had a lot of fun. I learned that I have to work harder if I want the pole to come easier to me. I also learned that I am very envious of other women's bodies at this day and time and I am constantly comparing myself to others.

Day One Hundred and Fifteen: Taking Suggestions

I've been having a really rough week and I've really wanted to return to my old way of living. I am missing the fun times that I used to have in the summer time. I talked to others in recovery and they gave me some assignments, which I did even though they were making me even more angry. I always feel bad about being angry, but I am learning that its okay to be angry sometimes, it all depends on how you deal with your anger. I am learning to identify my emotions and accept them for what they are. I also am learning that I don't have to apologize for being angry. I can see some small level of growth in myself and dealing with the reality of living.

Day One Hundred and Fourteen: Frozen Yogurt

I don't know what's going on with me but I've been craving frozen yogurt like crazy. Everyday I've been walking past yogurt places and not being able to say no, especially since they have cookies and cream flavored yogurt. I know this cannot be healthy, but I feel like I deserve a treat every now and again. I just hope it doesn't become a daily ritual. I went to a new meeting today and I really liked it. I've been checking out new meetings to shake it up a bit and so far they have all been good. I learned that I need variety in my life when it comes to going to meetings and I also learned that frozen yogurt is my new nemesis. Oh it tastes so good, but I will pay for it in the morning when I hop on that scale.

Day One Hundred and Thirteen: Catching up

I finally got to spend some time with my friend Keyanna and have a girl chat. I really need girl chat at least once a week. I miss the old days when we used to have a weekly Monday night date to catch up, but life goes on and I'm not trying to live in the past. I am really lucky to have friends in my life even if it's only a few. I'd rather have a few good friends than a bunch of associates. I had a good time with her and I hope that we can do it more often. I learned that I truly value the friendships that I do have and I am really lucky to call my friends my actual friends.

Day One Hundred and Twelve: 3 times hopefully a charm

I did three workouts today, I ran in the morning and went to yoga and pilates this afternoon. I was whipped by the time I made it to pilates, but I'm trying to be on my grind when it comes to losing this weight. I also took care of myself by setting up a doctor's appointment to make sure everything is functioning properly. I know that I've probably done some damage to my body from the use of drugs, but I have been putting off getting checked out for such a long time that I want to start being responsible for myself. I learned that I can do a triple exercise routine and not do further damage to my foot. I also learned that I am becoming more productive in my life.

Day One Hundred and Eleven: Ha Ha Bitch

My erotic creature is on fire. Today our assignment in dance class was Hot Fire in the City and I was burning it up. I realized that my erotic creature is such a tease and she likes to take control on the dance floor. I was able to strip down to a swimsuit even though I can't stand my body right now. I am trying to accept myself for where I'm at but it is a constant battle. I am learning that through dance I can accept myself, even though it hasn't really come through in other areas of my life yet. I am also learning to try to be happy and adopt a more positive attitude.

Day One Hundred and Ten: Alone Time

Sometimes I forget how crucial some alone time can be. I had my niece and nephew this morning, and boy are they balls of energy. We went to the playground, followed by pizza, some games at the house and I dropped them off at her birthday party. I was totally spent afterwards. Sometimes I don't know how Kisha deals with that on a everyday basis, but at the same time I do play hard with them. I came home and took a nap and treated myself to some ice cream. I definitely need the night off. I learned that I can be by myself without isolating and feel good about that choice. I also learned that I have become more responsible when it comes to taking care of myself and giving my body what it needs.

Day One Hundred and Nine: Mani/Pedi with my Neice

Today I took Haven to get her first professional mani/pedi. It was hilarious because she was mesmerized by the entire process. It was our girl's night out, which finished up with pinkberry for desert. We watched this cheesy movie and had a dance party. However she had a hair appointment today and I had to come out her hair, that was a process and it made me grateful that I didn't have children yet. Its hard to deal with a 7 year old whose grown up in the city, she was like I want manicure/pedicure and a massage. Thank God I know how to say No. Massage, where did that come from? I learned that I feel sorry for the man who has to take her out, its going to be murder on his wallet. LOL. Regardless we still had a good time. I also learned once again that I am not ready for children.

Day One Hundred and Eight: Cute Boy

I had an audition today and ran into a good friend that I thought had moved to LA. He always is hitting on me in a nonchalant way that kind of makes me curious, but I took a vow that I would not date any actors, it's just too much emotionally draining sometimes. However I like the his persistence. Who knows, maybe I should give it a shot. I'm going to have to think on this one for awhile. I mean he is cute and its hard for me to resist a cute guy. I learned that maybe I am ready to get back in the dating scene, but I'm not really sure about having a serious relationship. I also learned that you never know why someone continues to appear in your life over and over again. Maybe this is a sign that I need to pay attention to. Only time will tell.

Day One Hundred and Seven: Milkshakes are Bad

I was craving a milkshake like crazy today. I couldn't deny myself even though I know that I'm lactose intolerant. Well that was a mistake I ended up throwing up that milkshake all over New York City. It was like I had morning sickness. I would cough and milkshake would come spewing out. Totally gross. However I learned a valuable lesson, I will not give in to those cravings anymore. I also learned that I need to listen to my body. Even though its summertime it looks like there will be no more milkshakes for me.

Day One Hundred and Six: New Look

I was getting tired of my weave and decided to take it out. I forgot how long of a process that can be sometimes and I feel like I accidently cut some of my hair off, but it's all good since I can't do anything to reverse it. I can't tell if my natural hair grew or not, but its so interesting to see what I look like with a new hair do. I learned that I love to switch up my look every now and again. It makes me feel mysterious that I can't be penned down to one look. It is very freeing to change it up. I learned that I want a new hairstyle so I'll probably be getting that done really soon.

Day One Hundred and Five: Movie Date

I love going to the movies by myself. I can sit back and watch the movie without wondering if the person I'm with is enjoying the show as well. I went to see the buzzed about Fruitvale Station, but I didn't really enjoy it. I found myself checking the time to see when the movie would be over. It was still nice to treat myself to something. I learned that I do like doing things by myself. I also learned its good to go on a movie date with myself at least once a month.

Day One Hundred and Four: Tie Me Up

Today was magical in terms of my dance class. I had my teacher tie me up to the pole today and it was invigorating. I learned so much about my erotic creature. I already knew she was a flirt but being bound showed me how much she loves taunting her playfulness towards the person she dances for. I really enjoy this class it makes me feel joyous and free. It was so nice to be able to move slowly but to not be able to fully escape the binding. At some point I just really let myself go. I learned that its definitely time for me to explore my erotic creature's facets more often. I also learned that I am one sexy little kitten and I like it.

Day One Hundred and Three: TRX workout

I took a TRX class today and it kicked my ass. I work out hard on my own, but when I go to a class I realize how much harder I work with the added pressure of the teacher barking at you. Awww man that class was rough but I made it through it and was able to take a two hour yoga class afterwards. I really like to push myself hoping that this weight will somehow come off. I am definitely going to add this class to my repertoire. I learned that its good to switch it up sometimes and that I can prosper when I put my mind to things. I learned that I need to continue to push myself in new ways on a weekly basis. Whatever it takes.

Day One Hundred and Two: 90 Day Panel

I shared on my first 90 day panel in my recovery program and it felt okay. It was nice to have two other people to share with me so that it took some of the pressure off. It felt a little easier this time around and I am glad I am able to do service. I am now being asked to do other panels and I feel good about that. I am starting to come into my own through this process. I can look at my life experiences and accept them for what they are and learn from them. I learned that I am just another human being whose story others can relate to and those are the ties that bind us. I learned that I am not alone in my experiences and there are others out there who want to help me grow and learn from their experiences as well.

Day: One Hundered and One: Two Auditions

I had my first on camera audition in a long time, and I was extremely intimidated because my body isn't at my best. I was self conscious about my body compared to the other girls whose bodies looked like my old body. I wish that I could see some results for all the work that I 've put in these past couple of months, but it seems like I'm stuck with this body for a little while. I'm trying to practice patience with myself, but that is still an uphill battle. I guess we will see what happens in terms of getting a call back. I learned that I am still not completely there with my self confidence in terms of my new shape. I learned that I have to start accepting this part of myself at some point. I also learned that its just one of those challenges that I'm going to have ups and downs with.

Day One Hundred: Dinner with Kisha

I really needed some girl time today and I got to have dinner with one of my best girlfriends. Its so nice to get out and be able to vent to a friend. She gave me some good advice. I really appreciate having such a good support system in my life. I am truly at a place where I can be present with other people and actually have a conversation without the use of drugs and alcohol to loosen me up. I am learning that I really need my friends more so now than when I was using, because I can't hole up in my bubble anymore. I'm also learning what it means to be a good friend at the same time.

Day Ninety Nine: Boat Cruise

Today I went on a boat cruise and it was very interesting, it was a party on the boat. The worst thing about it was once I was tired of partying I couldn't get off the boat. I did see a lot of interesting characters on the boat and I was able to be around drugs and alcohol and not have any deep cravings to participate. I learned that I can be in a non sober environment and not be tempted. Overall I had some fun when the music I like was being played, but the crowd was still a little bit too old for me. However, I am learning to try new things.

Day Ninety Eight: Creating Recipes

I went to the grocery store today and was annoyed to the fullest with this mother who was letting her children terrorize the store. I wanted to say something, but through this process of changing I've come to say to myself it's none of my business. But I wanted to kick those kids so badly. Regardless I was able to stay on budget with my groceries and was extremely proud of myself. I got home and made this kale, apple. cranberry, and pumpkin seed dish and it was very tasty. I'm trying to do a better job with spending my money and eating healthier. I was happy with my choices and I also made it to yoga today so that was a win win. I learned that one good choice leads to another one. I also learned that I miss being vegan because I felt so clean when I was. I'm still trying to lose this weight and anything I can do that's helpful to that challenge I will try.

Day Ninety Seven: Dancing on the Boardwalk

This week has been all about dancing for me. I am truly happy when I'm on the dance floor getting my groove on. I went to a dance party at Coney Island and it was really cool and fun. There were so many different types of people and everyone was having fun under the sun. The best part is that it was free and it occurs all summer long on the weekends. I will definitely hit that up again. I also hadn't been to Coney Island in many years and it was cool to just do something different with my day. I learned that I won't wear heels next time because my feet were killing me by the end. I also learned that I can feel sexy in my body, since so many guys came up to me and wanted to know who I was with and also told me how sexy I was. Maybe I don't look as bad as I think I do.

Day Ninety Six: Another Party

I went to another party tonight. It was okay. I'm getting sick of these sober dances. I want to go out to a real club. I tried once and I was able to be okay without the lure of alcohol beating down my throat. I danced the night away as usual. There is just something about dancing that can put me in a good mood. I hope that soon I'll be able to party more often with other people my age. I learned that miss going out like normal people. I also learned that I can be strong when it comes to making lemonade out of lemons. I will continue to try to work things out when it comes to my cravings.

Day Ninety Five: Qualification

Today I shared my experience, strength, and hope at a meeting. I was extremely nervous because I wondered what I was going to say. I hoped that I did a good job. I guess other people related to my story, but it was a big crowd and I was feeling insecure while they were listening since it felt like they were just staring at me. I hope I touched someone. I will have to do more of these qualifications in the future. I 'm happy that its over with though. I learned that I do have valuable information to share and that I need to help inspire others, because we can all touch at least one person.

Day Ninety Four: BBQ

Today is the 4th of July and this is my first one clean and sober. The fourth is a big trigger for me because it reminds me of being married and having a BBQ. My life is changing, I stopped by a friend's BBQ for a few and then attended a meeting. I realized I don't really like going to BBQ's that much, but it was great to see my friends and the kids. I really have a great relationship with those kids. No fireworks for me tonight, I'm not really a holiday celebration person. I learned that I can do things differently and I have to start new patterns for myself, because more holidays will be coming. I learned that I am learning self control and that the bitterness that I feel when I see other people enjoying life while drinking has started to lessen.

Day Ninety Three: Dance Party

I love to move my body. There is just something about letting loose on the dance floor that makes me feel happy inside. My friend Mackenzie and I went out to a lounge and danced it up. I was truly in heaven. The music was great and the crowd was cool and above all it was totally free. This was my first time since I've entered the program that I've been to a regular party. I did good. I didn't drink and it was okay. I just hope that I burned off some calories. I learned that I can start edging myself back into regular society when it comes to partying. I also learned that music is such a release for me. I'm just going to keep on rockin'.

Day Ninety Two: Writing TIme

I went to the library today to work on my memoir. I've decided to give myself at least 20 minutes a day to work on my memoir. I want to take the memoir class in the fall and I've got to get at least a couple of chapters under my belt. I was able to make some changes to the chapter and figure out what I want to focus on. I really do love writing and I have to push myself to continue on my own since I no longer have class. I need to get involved with a writers group so that I can continue to have my work looked at, so that I can work on my chapters. I learned that if I just make myself do some writing I can get a lot accomplished. I've also learned how to get past my writer's block by just trying to write on a consistent basis.

Day Ninety One: Nap Time

Today was a rough day for me, I was once again questioning the purpose of my life. I feel so numb sometimes and I don't know what the universe has in store for me. I miss my old life at times and wonder what this new one will bring me. I woke up extremely tired and my whole body was aching and I felt those pings of depression coming back at me. I realized I really needed a nap so I took one. I am remembering what a little bit of sleep can do for me. I still was depressed probably from the uncertainty of life. I really needed some time to myself so I blew off yoga and took a kindergarten nap. I learned that I have to listen to my body and not push myself so hard. I have also learned that there are going to be ups and downs in my mood, but I can survive them. I just need to take more naps since my sleep is inconsistent.