Day Twenty Nine: Return to the Old

Today I started my acting class again. Like I've said before I haven't been really feeling acting lately since I'm so enthralled with writing. I think I like writing more since it keeps me behind the scenes. I can also feel free just to be myself and not worry so much about the judgement and rejection that comes along with auditioning. It doesn't hurt that I also feel more confident as a writer. However on the flip side I did get to connect with my friends from class. It was a little weird to be back, I felt like a new person, since I'm newly sober. It was great to see my former classmates and how much they have progressed. I hope that I get my passion back, but right now I'm feeling rather lukewarm about it all. I've learned that coming home in a sense can be a very scary thing especially when you are still trying to find yourself. I also learned that I am truly grateful for my friendships that this class provides me. I also learned that I can actually be connected and listen when I'm sober. Overall a scary but a productive experience.

cool as ever Migina

 

Cutie pie Christina

 

Silly pants Shayna

 

I love these girls with all my heart

Day Twenty Eight: Healthy Meal

I finally made it to the grocery store. My cabinets were bare and I was ordering out everyday. I love the convenience of getting delivery, but the cost is eating into my wallet. I'm starting this new diet so I know I have to cook more for myself so I know whats in the food. I went shopping during the afternoon so it wouldn't be too crowded. I came home, unloaded my stash of veggies, pita chips, and popcorners and cooked dinner for myself. I made smoky collard greens, black eyed peas, and sweet polenta. It was mighty tasty if I say so myself. I forgot how much I like my cooking, its the cleaning up afterwards that I can't stand, I learned that I still have my cooking gene and I love my genius in the kitchen. Yummy Yummy for my tummy. Today is a good day.

Day Twenty Seven: Pampering Me

Now that my house is clean I decided it was time to put an extra umph in my beauty routine. I washed my hair in the kitchen sink just like I used to do as a little girl. Now it feels all soft and clean and I feel like a new woman. I also shaved my legs just becuase. Usually I only shave if I'm seeing someone but today I did it for me. I also did a cool corn husk facial mask from the body shop. My skin feels pampered and I feel more relaxed. All those actions motivated me to cook a healthy dinner; polenta, greens, and blackeyed peas, so yummy. Now its time to catch up on some Sunday night tv, ie. Revenge one of my favorite series. I actually got the dishes done as well. Yay for me, because I HATE doing dishes, it reminds me of growing up handwashing dishes even though we had a dishwasher. I definitely need to pamper myself more often, expecially now that I can't exercise, which used to be my pampering routine. I learned that looking pretty for myself is so much better than trying to do it for others. XOXO for me.

Day Twenty Six: Clean House

My apartment looked like a tornado had run through it. Clothes everywhere, food cartons on the floor, dishes piling in the sink, laundry that needs to be done. I hate cleaning up, but I love when my apartment is clean. It feels like a new space. I decided to bite the bullet and start with the living room. I dusted and vacuumed, put all my clothes away, organized my mail and papers. I burned some incense and listened to my ipod turned up real loud to get me in the mood. It actually went faster than I thought. The cats had left hair all over the apartment and I got it all out. I also got a chance to grab all the shirts that I had set aside for donations. Now my place is clean and serene. I learned that if you just put one foot in front of the other the motivation to get things done will just come. I learned that you should always show up to complete the task and it won't be as bad as I picture it in my mind.

Day Twenty Five: Welcome to the Jungle

Today was my last pole dancing class for the session and the assignment was wild kingdom. You were supposed to choose an animal that you thought your erotic creature represented.Surprisingly I decided that I was going to be a peacock, usually I feel more like a snake, but living in my body now I feel more strong and bold and felt like strutting my stuff. I wore this big poofy skirt and a lacy bra and let my feathers fly. We got to interact with each other in the class and it was like a writhing jungle of animals. I forgot where I was and got lost in the interaction with the other girls. It was a reminder of how much I love the land of make believe and how much you can learn just from uncontrolled movement. My teacher had me stalking another student through a competition of getting the person in the lap dance chair to pay attention to either one of us. It was so much fun, I left floating on a cloud of happiness. I learned that free movement is essential to my sanity. I really need to let go in so many areas of my life, but at least I can start with my inner goddess. Watch out world cause this peacock is ready to show her feathers and fly.

Day Twenty Four: Gearing up for Acting

I haven't really been feeling like acting lately. I feel totally disconnected from my previous dream of being an actress. I decided,with a huge suggestion from my psychiatrist, to return to class. I used to love acting class, but lately I've been feeling writing more than anything. I signed up for class and read two plays. I haven't worked on a character in forever and I'm definitely feeling rusty. I did enjoy one of the plays, the other I could take it or leave it. The assignment reminded me of all the work that it takes to act. I feel like others outside the industry don't understand how much time, dedication, and work that it takes to be so vulnerable and to constantly be rejected. Hopefully returning to class will be a cathartic experience. I'm hoping that my love for my craft will return, but I won't know until class resumes this Tuesday. Wishing myself luck, or better yet patience for myself to let the nuts and bolts readjust. I'm learning to just treat each experience as a new one and its okay to not feel like acting. I have to give myself a break and don't beat myself up too much for not being that enthusiastic. Just remember that each life experience can be a learning experience even if I learn that I'm not so into it.

Day Twenty Three: Releasing the Past

Today was a really hard day for me. I haven't been feeling very strong in my early recovery, temptation is all around me. I watch TV and people are drinking and doing drugs, I walk outside I smell marijuana everywhere. I am clearly being tested on a whole new level. But on the upswing I was able to get rid of one my former connects numbers on my own. Its been really hard for me to let go of my connections, there is still that part of me that wants to have a backup plan, kinda like having a dick in a glass jar on the shelf just in case times get a little rough. However, I did it and my hands weren't shaking this time around. I can't move forward without leaving my past behind me. Today was a step in that direction. I learned its not the end of the world to not have a backup plan. I just need to continue to stay in the here and now, and continue to take one second at a time, even though I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. I will continue to work hard to keep my sobriety even though I don't always feel peachy keen. I learned that I am only as sick as my secrets and as I  continue to expose myself I get healthier. Vulnerability is the key to open the door to my inner happiness.