Day One Hundred and Seventy Seven: Chill Out

Today I had a chill out day, I went to work and to my outpatient group, but after that I didn't feel like working out so I ditched out on doing yoga and running on the elliptical. My body really needed a break. I watched the 2 hour premiere of Grey's Anatomy instead. I ate some pasta and fish and passed out in my comfy bed. I am learning that its okay to take a day off from working out every once in a while and that the world isn't going to end just because I don't work out. I also am continuously learning that I am extremely hard on myself and that I need to give myself a break. At least I am recognizing these patterns so that suggests progress to me.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Six: Determined

I am seriously determined to lose this weight, but I am always craving sugar. I have began to manage my pita chip addiction so I'm not eating a whole bag a night, just 7-10 chips which is about one serving. I am following the diet that my nutritionist set up and following the exercise plan, but I'm am pissed because I forgot to wear my activity monitor which measures my movement when I was doing the elliptical machine for 45 minutes. I am tired of being in the recovery program and I am trying to just get through it, practicing one day at a time. I am tired. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to even if it is not enjoyable for me. I've also been learning that I wish life were different.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Five: 6 months

Today I reached my 6 month of being clean. I thought I would feel differently, more excited. In the beginning I was really motivated to get me key tags but everything around me thus far has felt like blah. I'm in a totally depressive state of mind. Lately I haven't been craving drugs and alcohol, but I know that there is a piece of me that still wants to drink. I went to a new meeting last night  with a lot of newcomers, but that still didn't deter my thoughts of being over the program. I think I am just drained from all the changes I am making in my life. I will just continue to operate on the one day at a time plan. I also think I am still grieving my divorce. September is a really hard month for me since that was when everything went down between me and my ex. I learned that I am getting more annoyed by the program on a daily basis and I've lost my will to want to keep doing this. I also learned that even though I don't completely recognize how hard I'm working I am still reaching milestones. I am going to try to practice positive thinking today.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Four: Elliptical Hell

So I've started this new diet, as suggested by my nutritionist, I hope that it works. I have to make major changes like no salt, no shellfish, no coconut products. She also advised me to run on the elliptical machine 45 minutes a day 4-5 times a week, which is fine, but I ran today and it felt like forever. I just want to see some changes, even if they are a pound or two here and there. I will fit back into my clothes by the end of next year. Of course I wish that it was sooner but I have to realize that its going to take some time. That elliptical machine was kicking my ass. I learned that I can do anything I set my mind to, but that 45 minutes was long. I also learned that I can follow this plan for a while and see how it works and not make it a lifetime commitment like I tend to do in my head.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Three: Productive

I was extremely productive this weekend. I cleaned my entire apartment, I even washed the dishes which I can't stand doing. I did my laundry, paid my bills, went to the grocery store, and cooked up a bunch of food for the week. But alas I still didn't have any fun. Life has become totally monotonous for me. I wish I had some money so that I could run away and live abroad for awhile. I need to figure out what is fun for me, since my old fun activities don't feel fun for me anymore. I learned that I need to definitely have more fun in my life, even though it is good to come home to a clean house it's not the only thing that's going to drive me in life.

Day One Hundred and Seventy Two; Overwhelmed

I went to see a nutritionist today and basically she told me I was going to have to change my entire diet, which is just another stressor for me since I'm going through so many life changes right now. I'm in a recovery program, I just started a new job in a new industry, and now I can't enjoy food the way that I would like to. I really used to love eating and now it just feels like something that I just do, because I have to do it. I'm not having any fun in my life right now. I had a massive crying attack after I left the appointment. I am just a little depressed now, but at least now I can recognize that feeling. I learned that all these changes are making me hate my life right now, but that its okay to feel that way because hopefully the feelings will pass.

Day One Hundred and Seventy One: Identifying

Today I went to support one of my people from my outpatient group by hearing her qualify. It was so interesting because I didn't know that we had so much in common. I even fellowshiped after the meeting, which I never do. I really felt at home with the people. I'm supposed to speak on Friday and of course I'm super nervous. I learned that looks can be deceiving and that many people go through similar situations as you and you can never tell by looking at the outside. I also learned that sharing our experiences brings people closer together.