Day Sixty Seven: Revealing myself

I had a conversation with a friend who is in the program with me about my causes of depression. I was able to be completely honest about my life and let them know some of my deepest secrets about things that had happened to me. I didn't cry, but just talked about some major things that had happened in my life. What gave me hope was  that as I told them about certain things they fully listened to me without judgment and offered me a hug. I felt welcomed by this person. I learned that it can be life changing to share your secrets, especially when you get support. I learned that I don't have to keep my walls up all the time and that I am slowly learning to trust others. I hope to continue on this path in all my relationships.

Day Sixty Six: Lunch with Shayna

I always enjoy seeing Shayna, she always brightens my day. We had lunch at Westville, where I love their sweet potato fries, which are never greasy. We got to talk about what was going on in acting class and other things going on in our lives. I am really starting to feel like I'm getting more comfortable in my body and with my friends without the use of drugs. This current day felt a little easier dealing with others than previous days where trying to have a conversation was straining for me. I really am enjoying learning about myself and that I know I will always have support from my friends. I learned that I can live a life without drugs as long as I stay on my psychiatric medication. I also learned that I am grateful for the friends that have stuck by me during this trying time in my life.

Day Sixty Five: Yoga and the Gym

My quest to lose weight has gotten a leg up. My ankles are not completely better yet but they are doing well enough that I could go to the gym and to yoga class on the same day. I have to remember to not overdo it since that's what landed me in the injured zone in the first place. I haven't seen results as of yet but I will try to continue to workout five days a week, no doubles of yoga, and no stressing by weighing myself everyday. I really do suffer from body dysmorphia. I have to continue to do my affirmations where I accept myself where I'm at in this present moment. I have given myself to the end of the year versus the end of the month to fit back into my clothing. I learned that I have to pace myself when it comes to exercise because I can be a little anorexic in that department. I also learned that I can't put my weight over my recovery.

Day Sixty Four: Cornstarch Really

I'm dying from the heat rash that has encompassed my entire body. I love summertime weather but it does not love me. I am allergic to the sun, which really sucks when its so hot outside and I have to try to stay covered up. Today I was itching up a storm from the heat rash and the bug bites all over my body. I was informed today that cornstarch would help with the itching. So I slathered my body in cornstarch and I'm hoping that it works. I'm still going to have to take some Benadryl so I can get  some rest without being annoyed with the itching. Today I learned another home remedy with the cornstarch. Hopefully all this itching will subside soon.

Day Sixty Three: Oh Chavelas

Chavelas used to be one of my favorite places to eat and drink. I was craving their beans and rice and Camarones alla Mexicana. However I wasn't ready to eat there yet. The call of the bar was too strong. I would drink pitchers of Sangria all by myself in the past, but now having 70 days clean I have to be aware of which battles I pick. I decided I could have the food as long as I picked it up instead of eating in the restaurant. My memories served me correctly, the food was excellent and I didn't put my self at risk. I am learning that I can make positive choices especially when I choose to continue to listen to my best self. I am learning to recognize what thoughts are the next best choice for me.

Day Sixty Two: New Chapter

I finished another chapter in my memoir for writing class. I also developed the timeline for what stories I wanted to include. Now I have an outline for my writing. I never thought I would get to this point. I feel more organized in my thought process and I never knew that I would be able to do this clean and sober. I've been on a roll today. I really lucked out because only 3 of us showed up to class which allowed us to have more individual time with the teacher. I am learning to count my blessings. Each day has made me more grateful and I feel my self esteem improving. I am so happy that I am getting to this place in my life. I think I am finding out what I want out of life. I learned that if I continue to take one day at a time more will be revealed to me.

Day Sixty One: Baby Date

I always wondered what kind of mother I would be. I used to believe that my children would never look up to me because I hadn't been successful in certain areas of my life. But after spending time with my nephew I realized that I would be a good mother. We went to Central Park to the playground and the zoo. Zipping him around the city was so fun. I am so happy that we have such a great relationship. We came home and he played with the cats. I have such a good time when I'm around him. I have been in such a positive mood whenever he is around me, even my psychiatrist said we had a great relationship. I learned that no matter what you do your children will admire you, because you are there for them. I learned that maybe one day when I'm ready I'll have a baby and won't be so concerned about how they see me but the fact that I will always be there for them.